I came here to serve.
I came here to be part of something bigger than myself.
I came here to love others.
But somewhere along the way, I lost it.
I lost my heart to serve.
I lost the love that always puts others first.
I lost the grace that is always forgiving.
I'm not sure when this began, but I can tell you that last week was when I finally broke. I got so mad. I was just over all of it. I was tired of feeling like I was the only person working. I was tired of cleaning up after people who weren't doing their jobs right. In the midst of utter chaos due to miscommunication, I looked out at everything that had been left to do and everything that was breaking and I made it all about me. I made it about how I was working my butt off. I made it about how I didn't feel appreciated. And I saw something in myself that I hate to see. I saw anger, selfishness, and unforgiveness. And I hated myself for it.
Thankfully, my team was nothing but forgiving when I apologized for my behavior toward them. Even better, I serve a God who doesn't turn His back on me when I fail Him miserably like this again and again. I serve a God who takes me back every single time. I serve a God who's still working on me. I serve a God who will keep working on me because He loves me so much that He died to take away my broken mess of a life.
I was reminded of this today in our final worship service as a staff for the summer. It's kind of funny actually because I've only been to one other staff worship service this whole summer, as I usually go to church with my sister. But I heard that Debbie was speaking this morning and I wanted to hear what she had to say. Of course, it's not a coincidence that the words that the Lord gave her to give to us spoke right to my heart and the place I've been for at least a few weeks now. She spoke on the condition of our hearts when we're serving. Because, yeah, we're all here and working this summer but are we doing it with love? Are we forgetting the bigger picture and letting our frustrations get the better of us? I know I have. Time and time again.
And let's be real here, this isn't a thing just from this summer, it's a thing in my heart. And this summer has done a good job of bringing that out into the light. It's been like a smack in the face. And I needed it. Because I wasn't shining Christ's light in my work or in the way I serve.
So I've got one week left here. That's it. One week to make the best it possibly can be. One week to love the people here. One week to serve. One week to make sure I'm putting myself last, always. And then I'm right back to work at home. And I pray that I not forget this lesson I've learned here this summer. May I humble myself every day and be ready to serve in whatever way I'm needed.
In the words of a good friend...
Some days I really suck, but God is ALWAYS good.
And I'm so thankful that's true.
