The strangest snow day there ever was.

Thursday morning around 5 am, I found myself standing on my mom’s porch, in the snow; wearing pajamas, chacos, and a light fleece jacket. I remember my mom coming to the door and starting to freak out. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what she was so worried about; all I had done was show up at her house for breakfast as I do almost every single day. Sure, this time I had walked through the snow wearing sandals. And yeah, I was still wearing my pajamas and my jacket was nowhere near warm enough, but so what? Once I got inside, my mom kept asking where all I’d been and how long I’d been outside and what did I think I was doing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t answer those questions. I did have a few to ask myself though, “Where is Casey? She was with me…” and “What about Blondie? She should be here, too.”

“Jacque…what are you talking about? Casey is in Kansas and Blondie is in Joplin…you came here alone…”

 

“Oh wait,” I quickly said, “I meant Karman, I know she’s here, I can see her red hair peeking up over the couch and she was just at my house for hours before I decided to come here.”

“Jacque,” my mom said slowly, "I haven’t seen Karman in months, she didn’t come here with you…”

At this point, I was beginning to think things were a bit odd. After all, I distinctly remembered walking out of my house all together. I remember passing certain houses. I remember that when we arrived, my mom was standing by a big tree in her yard talking to her neighbor. It didn’t matter to me that there haven’t been neighbors there for probably a year, I KNEW I saw them. For the next couple of hours, I sat very still and confused as my mom kept trying to get straighter answers out of me. The thing was, I just couldn’t remember things, I tried so hard and all I could remember was the fact that I’d kept running into things in my house while Karman and I had been there chatting.

I got dropped back off at my house and tucked into my bed to warm up. Apparently, I didn’t do much sleeping though as my mom tells me she later returned to find me standing in my room talking to one of my teddy bears. I had tried to change my clothes, but couldn’t even handle that as I stood there in shorts, one sock, and my fleece jacket with no shirt under it. This gap of time when I was home alone is the hardest part to remember. Perhaps the being out in the cold had made me slightly more aware of things while I was outside walking. Who knows?

I certainly don’t know. I bet I do know one thing though, I bet at this point you’re thinking, “Man, this girl must have been seriously fucked up that night.” The thing is I wasn’t. I was stone cold sober. And I suppose that’s what really makes this deal a bit creepy for me. It would make more sense if I had been impaired. Like in Perks of Being a Wallflower when Charlie is given acid and he ends up standing in the driveway shoveling a perfect circle in the snow. But as I said, he was tripping so it made sense for him to think a tree turned into a dragon and for him to just fall asleep in the snow. My experience makes for less sense. After reading various things on the internet about this type of scenario (and after my mom called my nurses from the psych hospital to get their advice/ opinions) I believe I suffered what is known as a psychotic break. The basic premise being that sometimes things just get so bad in the brain that it shuts off for a little while; and you end up hallucinating.

This has never happened to me before and, man, I hope it never does again. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. On that note, I suppose I can update on my brain in general again. On December 15, I was again admitted to the Marian Center because my treatment team and I all deemed me a danger to myself. I started an additional medication there which brings me up to 3 psych meds every day. Fun times. I also started my ECT treatments while I was in the hospital. They were pretty uneventful and all I can really remember from those days is being put to sleep the waking up later in my room. Unfortunately, I can’t say I’ve seen much of a change from the ECT treatments. Still, I haven’t given up hope that they may kick in later like medication is supposed to work.

Thank you all very much for your words of support and encouragement as I continue to try and battle through these long days and nights. You are far more helpful and uplifting than you can ever know. Also, please know that I don’t write about these things for attention. I write about these things because they should be perfectly normal to discuss, just like any other illness. I write about these things because I want someone else to see that it’s ok to reach out for help.