Once upon a time, my life revolved around my religion. I was
that girl with Bible verses tattooed on me. My Facebook posts were regularly
verses or biblical words of encouragement. I went to church every Sunday. I
attended youth group until I was old enough to be a sponsor, which I did. I
went on mission trips, I worked at a church camp, and I was part of a campus
ministry at my university. I talked the talk and did my best to walk the walk.
So I’m tattooed and I swear and sometimes enjoy an adult beverage? My God doesn’t
condemn for that. I’ve always tried to do my best and love people like they
ought to be loved.
Anyway, as you may or may not know, I began struggling with
depression at the age of 15. A few things happened around that time; namely the
deaths of my 7 year old cousin and a fellow student from my school. I really
began to question God at that point. If He did exist, I couldn’t see how He
could be at all good. I mean, how could He let 2 such young people die? How
could He let me struggle the way I was for no reason? It just didn’t seem
right. It was pretty dark for quite some time. Later though, I found solace in
the idea of God. I found comfort in the idea of always being loved and
important. And I was perfectly happy that way for several years. My depression
went up and down over the years, but never got to be too much for me to handle.
Until it did.
April 2015, everything was going right in my life. I was
doing all of the things I told you about earlier, walking the good Christian
walk. I was just about to graduate from the Honor’s College at my university
and had secured my dream job. Something wasn’t right, though. I couldn’t quite
place my finger on it, but everything started slipping. My life just wasn’t in
my control anymore. I’ll spare you the details of the story, since you’ve
probably already read it in the past. I sought solace in God the way I had when
I was younger…but I found nothing. I found emptiness, loneliness, and even more
darkness. I became angry with God. I couldn’t see how a God who was supposed to
be loving and good would let me live in such darkness. I walked away from the
church. I didn’t speak to anyone and no one made any attempt to contact me for
about 3 months. When they did try, I wrote them off completely, saying it had
been too long and I was too deeply hurt. And that was that.
I was no longer part of the church. I was angry at God. I
felt hurt by God. I felt unloved by the God that was supposed to love us all as
His children. I had been abandoned. Then I tried to kill myself. Obviously that
didn’t work and some say there’s a reason for that. Some say that I was saved
by something greater than all of us because I still have more to do on this
Earth. I don’t know about that. What I do know is that I have come to a place
of acceptance with God. I believe in God, I don’t think this Earth could exist
in its wonderfully complex state without an intelligent designer. But I still
have trouble believing that God loves us as much as I was always taught. I
mean, how could I be loved so much and left to suffer for long and so deeply?
Here’s what I’ve come to accept though, God is real. That’s
about all I know at this point. Do I feel love from God? Not really. What I do
finally feel though is a sense of love from and for myself. And I think that’s
the key. It’s not about finding the Divine on the outside. In my understanding
of things, the Divine is in each of us and that’s what matters. I have found
that piece of the divine within myself. There is a part of me that knows peace
and love and I think I’ve discovered that part. It’s been through yoga and
meditation and energy work and opening my mind up to finding God in other
things and places that I’ve discovered this part of me. So maybe my style looks
a little different these days. Maybe you won’t see me in a church or see Bible verses
on my Facebook wall. What you will see from me, though, is love. I will love
people, because that’s really all we can do in this life. I will love myself
because, since we’re all one, I can’t love you unless I love myself first. So
while loving me isn’t my strength, I’ll do so because I want to be better able
to love you and the rest of the world. So maybe I do yoga and meditate and play
around with healing crystals, but those things don’t make me any less of a believer
than you or anyone else. Those things just mean I find God in a different place
than you do. I find Him in little things, I find Him in the energy that makes
up each of us, in the silence of meditation, in the strength of my body in a
yoga pose, and in the vibration of a crystal. I find God in everything and everyone.
Long story short, I’m not religious anymore. I subscribe to no religion; I
subscribe only to love, that’s what truly matters in this world.
“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples,
no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple.
The philosophy is kindness.” (Dalai Lama)
