Life isn't fair

In the past week life has decided to throw some surprises my way.

Expensive surprises.

I don't know if you know this, but I'm not sitting on a whole pile of money these days.

I spent most of yesterday bemoaning my difficult life and just how unfair it all is and freaking out about how everything would get taken care of.

It was all very woe is me and overly dramatic.

But in the moment, it made sense to me.

In the moment, all I could see was my peers who don't have to work because their parents pay for everything.

In the moment, my mind replayed over and over the struggles of growing up without a whole lot.

All I could see was how unfair it was.

All I could see was people around me who haven't had to take on any responsibilities in life or even start to grow up.

And those moments sucked.

But I've had a perspective shift in the past 24 hours for a couple of reasons.

The first being thanks to a little thing called Global Rich List.

This site lets you put in your income and it tells you where you stand in the world.

I found out that I'm in the top 5.23% of the richest people in the world.

Talk about being slapped back to sense.

94% of the world lives on less money than me.

Who am I to complain about money, ever?

The second thing that helped me change my thinking was my parents.

I realized that when they were my age, they were already raising 2 kids.

My mom worked her way through college while raising my sister on her own until my dad came into the picture. I'm barely making it through with my jobs and school, so my mom must be superwoman to have pulled this off.

And my dad, that guy. Talk about someone who worked hard to get where he is today and always provide for his family. That guy truly amazes me. And kind of makes me question the necessity of college.

Anyway, my parents didn't have it easy growing up either. We don't come from money. 

They didn't have parents who handed them everything. They've worked hard their whole lives too.

They understand.

I'm sure they looked around them at one point and were jealous of their peers who seemed to have it easier. Maybe not, I dunno.

Basically, I've learned that I have to stop looking at other people's lives.

That's not the life I've been given, but the one I have is great!

When I compare my life to the people around me, sure it looks hard sometimes.

But when I really think about it, my life looks so easy to about 94% of the world. 

Life isn't fair, and it never will be.

Comparison really will steal your joy.

Looking around isn't going to change my situation.

Being content and thankful for what I do have certainly will change how I walk through any given situation in life though.

So here's to living my life, and not wishing for someone else's.

God loves Fred Phelps

Unless you've been living under a rock somewhere, you've probably heard that the founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps, recently passed away. Some of the reactions I've seen to this have really bothered me...things like people saying that it's good that he's dead. People talking about protesting his funeral like he did to so many.

And I get that, I do.

Trust me, I have very strong feelings about Westboro and the pain they cause for so many.

But at the same time...we should probably stop to look at our own hearts when we're saying it's good that a man just died.

Who's to say that I'm any better than Fred Phelps?

No I don't protest funerals or tell people that God hates them.
But sometimes my heart is full of anger and hostility toward others.
I judge and I tear people down in my mind until my opinion of them is so low that I have no respect for them at all, even if sometimes I don't really know anything about them.

And it sucks because I know that's not a heart like Jesus'. I know that I have SO much growing still to do. But I also know that God still loves me. I believe that every time God sees those things in my heart, he yearns for me to bring them to Him because He alone can transform my heart and mind.

I think that sometimes when God looks at my heart and sees those things, He sees an erring child whom He desperately wants to help. And maybe that's what He saw when He looked at Fred Phelps, too.
I guess I'm trying to say that maybe ole Fred wasn't so different from the rest of us.

We all need Jesus, and that's that.

I'm thankful for a Father who accepts me and chose me despite my imperfections. I am thankful that He is transforming my heart and molding it into what He created it to be, day by day. I'm thankful that even when I take 2 steps back in my journey with Him, He's right there with me to lead me forward again.

I'm thankful that God loves each of us. You, me, and even Fred Phelps.

OK go!

I spent the past week in Oklahoma with Campus House on our annual spring break mission trip. It was so wonderful! We worked with an organization called Agape Lane that works with Native American churches. Basically, the churches sign up for things they need fixed and we're split up into teams to go out and work on whatever those things may be for the week.

I went on this trip last year as well. And while that was a great experience, this year was something entirely different and wonderful for me. That being said, let me tell you about it...

My work crew this year was assigned to stay at the camp and complete various projects there. We built a wall for the loft where the girls sleep, we tore out doors, we put in new doors, we put up new trim, we tore out half of a wall, we put up a new half of said wall, and a few other odds and ends. My favorite part of the work was definitely tearing things up! But then it was really cool to see those very things we destroyed make way for the new things that we were putting in. It was rewarding to see all of our hard work actually produce something. Last year, I was on a painting crew. Painting is all well and good and is needed sometimes but I felt like I did so much more this year when I actually got to be part of building new things. Plus I got to play with power tools all week. :)

I think though, this year, my favorite part of this trip was family group time. That's weird for me. But I loved it. Last year, my family group leader had to call me out specifically to get a word out of me. This year, I was the one sharing. I was eager to talk to my group about the day and loved walking through our devos with them each night. Perhaps strangest of all was when our leaders said they wanted us to share testimonies and I didn't tremble at the thought, I actually wanted to share it. And I did. That's weird. But it's awesome. And our whole group shared their stories. So I now have the privilege of knowing a few of my brothers and sisters in Christ that much better and I'm extremely thankful for that.

And as much as I wish I could tell you the week was all sunshine and rainbows and group hugs, it just wasn't. There was one day that all I wanted to do when we finished working was cry. I was tired, we had worked hard, and I mis-measured the boards we needed for our final thing that day. Awesome, ugh, not. Thank goodness I was working with a wonderful crew who didn't give me crap about messing up, but instead encouraged me and loved on me when I needed it. There were shenanigans that forced me to spend the day looking into my own heart and not liking everything I saw there. But I think that's good and it's important. We can't fix those things if we never stop to consider them.

All things considered, it was a fantastic trip! I got to work hard and serve while spending an entire week in fellowship with my brothers and sister from Campus House, which is always a blessing in and of itself.

Tear Streaked Prayers

It's hard to ignore the reality lately that we live in a fallen and broken world. It's been all around this week. Monday, my sweet little cousin, Tommie, would have turned 14 years old had she not left us in a tragic car accident 7 years ago. 

Tuesday, we all got the terrible news of precious Hailey being taken. 

And Wednesday, the heartbreak grew and the reality of Hailey's tragedy set in. 

There was news from my home town of some high school kids in a bad car wreck. 

And then news today about deep hurts within a family that is very near and dear to my heart. A family who we've lost contact with through the years but now I desperately just want to hug each of them and tell them how much they mean to me and how much I love them.

And I don't know what to do. 

I don't know how to respond besides to sit here and cry out to God as the tears stream down my face. 

All of this hurt is so big. 

It's so real. 

And I wish I could take it away. 

But I can't. 

But I know that the God who put the stars in their places and set this world into motion can. 

And He wants to. 

He wants to wrap his arms around us and let us cry on his shoulders, like any father does. 

We have to bring it to him though and hand our hurt over to him.

Honestly, words aren't enough tonight. And maybe they never really are, but I'm at a loss here. I'm surrounded by brokenness that I am absolutely powerless to fix and I hate that.

So I'll sit here and I talk to the Father.

I'll sit here and let the tears streak my face because I really don't know what else to do.

Cliff diving and other adventures...

I got a call last Friday that sent me jumping around my apartment in excitement. In fact, I haven't really stopped jumping around about it since. It is the opportunity to do something awesome. It is an opportunity that, in all honesty, I didn't think I would actually get. But I did.

And now I'm staring at this big, unknown adventure.
It kind of like I'm about to dive off a cliff with no idea where I'll land.
Once upon a time this would have scared me. I wouldn't have even been brave enough to dream of it being possible.

I guess there are still things that scare me. Mostly about how real life is going to happen and I will return to being a responsible adult after this adventure. It occurred to me tonight that I only have one year left in school and then I'm supposed to be on to the "real world" doing "grown-up" things. I know what I want to do, but I don't know how to make that happen. And it's hard to keep those things from affecting the now. It's hard to keep them from clouding my excitement about this opportunity.

Wouldn't it be easier to stay where I am?
Wouldn't it be safer to do what I know?
Wouldn't it be more responsible to save and save to ensure an easier and more secure future?

Yes. The answer to all of those is yes, I know it is.

But I don't want easy.
I don't want safe.
And to a degree, I don't want "responsible."

I want radical.
I want world changing.
I want such unshakable trust in the Lord that I will walk into anything He has for me.
I want to stand on the edge of those cliffs and know that jumping doesn't mean I'm falling into the unknown; it means I'm jumping into the arms of the Father.

Where I'm going to land: Glorieta, New Mexico

Being in America is weird...

I've been back from Nicaragua for just over a week now. It was a phenomenal trip. But coming back this year has been harder to process than last year.

Honestly, being in the states brings a steady stream of frustrations for me.

For example...I wait tables on the weekends. I make more in tips in one day than it costs to send a kid to school for an entire year at one of the schools we worked at. Why is that a reality?!? Why are there kids who can't go to school when people can hand me outlandish amounts of money just for bringing them cashew chicken? I literally do not understand this.

Why do I get to sit here on my big comfortable bed, in my nice comfortable apartment while there's a family in Tipitapa huddled together in one bed tonight because they only have one mosquito net in their home that's just one room? 

Why do I complain about my homework when most of the world will never even get the chance to go to school?

Why am I stashing money away in a savings account when there are children starving all over the world and even right in my own city?

What did I ever do to deserve the blessing that is simply being born in the richest country in the world?

Nothing. I don't deserve this. None of us do.

But that's how it is.

 

So do we just go on living it up as rich Americans and occasionally saying thanks to God for having so richly blessed us?

I REALLY don't think so. And I really think we've gotten it largely wrong so far.

I know that we've been so blessed because we have a mission in this world. Those are our brothers and sisters out there in the world and they need our love. Sometimes showing love means sharing our the abundant resources that God has placed in our care.  

Poverty, hunger, homelessness, human trafficking, and every other ill in this world are not nameless faceless issues. They are full of faces of people who need our love. People who have stories just like you and I do. My hearts aches for them. My soul yearns to be sitting side by side with them, living this life, fighting its battles, and praising God together.

But right now I'm here. Right now I'm trying not to get frustrated with the world around me as it spins on, largely unaware of what I've seen and the people I've met and grown to love. Right now I'm in America, and it's weird.

Nicaragua 2014

A bit more than a year ago, I first entertained the idea of MAYBE going to Nicaragua.....but I was scared. That's when a very wise friend of mine gave me some of the best advice I've ever gotten, "It scares you? You know what that means, right? It means you HAVE to do it."

When applications for the trip came out this year, I wanted nothing more than to return to the place that I had so grown to love, the place that I'd thought and prayed about almost daily since I first left it.

And thanks to God placing in my life some amazing churches and individuals who partnered with me, I was able to end 2013 the same way I began it; watching fireworks and burning scarecrows through the gate of Pequeño Benjamin. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Our first day at Pequeño Benjamin didn't go quite as planned. Seeing as it was New Year's day and it poured down rain that morning, we had no kids around. So Alexandra, the director of the school, told us she had some classrooms that could use painting. We set to work right away by taking everything off the walls, spraying them with water, and scrubbing them down to get them ready for fresh paint. After all of this we got the chance to sit down and talk with Marcus, the missionary we work with in Nicaragua, and hear about his vision and why he does what he does. He's a really cool guy and he's doing lots of big things for God!

After listening to Marcus, some of the older kids ( ages11-15 or so) from the school came to start work on a drama that Blake had written for them. Being that age of kids, I think we were all worried they would hate it...but they really got into, even on the first day, which was so fun to see.

After everyone had gotten to experience their first bucket showers, our team spent the evening eating dinner, worshiping, and talking together. All in all, it was a great start to the trip!

 Day 2 was much like the first with the exception that the kids actually showed up :). We kicked off with some fun VBS type songs and a short devo before the boys took off for the soccer field. Those of us not playing soccer spent the morning coloring, making bracelets, playing jump rope, and just generally hanging out with the kiddos. After our lunch break it was back to work on the classrooms that we now had paint for. I, and some others, spent the rest of the day painting away while some people worked on the drama and others went with Pedro to help out with moving some stuff at the farm. We wrapped up our day in our usual style, dinner as a team and later some worship and a devo...my devo, which I was kind of freaking out about before hand. But I think it went well.

I don't want to bore you with repetition so let's just say ditto for day 3. That night was different because we got to do home stays. Courtney and I were welcomed into the home of a single mother and her two kids.They shared their photo albums with us and told us all about their lives then took us on a short walk around Tipitapa before heading back to the house. Their home was literally just one big room for everything and still they welcomed us, complete strangers, in and shared all they had with us. That kind of thing really gets to you, let me tell ya. 

Saturday was our 4th day in the country and our first time to venture past the walls of the school. We headed out to Marcus' farm to clean up the storage area and get it ready for the next shipment that he was waiting on from the states. We also cleaned up all the trash that was around the farm while we were there. That day we finally finished up the painting work! And those classrooms looked totally new and amazing, if I do say so myself. That evening, the kids in the drama met us at school to walk to church for the youth service. As we set out, I noticed that the boys from the school spread out and were walking in a sort of circle around us. Alexandra told me that the boys had said they were going to protect us as we walked. The kids did their drama and it was amazing! We got to worship in Spanish which was also so great. When the time came to head back to the school, the boys again volunteered to walk with us. They led the way and stood on each side, making sure we were safe. Seeing them do that really touched my heart.

Sunday we got up bright and early to head off to Granada for the day. We got to go to a church service that was in both English and Spanish. We walked around Granada and went to a burger joint for lunch, which really made the team happy. Later that day we went to Masaya for shopping at the market and to see the volcano. We didn't get too close to the volcano because there was too much activity, it was still cool though. We finished off our day with what else but Papa John's for dinner before heading back to school.

On Monday, we got to head to San Benito to the school where Valerie worked for 6 months. It was way different than Tipitapa. The houses are smaller and look more like shacks. The school is newer so it's still small and being developed. The kids, we were told, spend most of their days fending for themselves because their parents often get on the bus really early to go to work in Managua. Monday is also the day I began feeling ill. It was terrible because I felt totally useless all day, which I really hated. Still, I enjoyed seeing a new place and meeting new kids as well as the teachers at the school in San Benito.

Tuesday was also spent in San Benito, where we were hosting a soccer tournament. We also played jump rope and things with the kids who weren't playing soccer. Our afternoon work projects in San Benito consisted of the boys helping put up a concrete fence and us girls working on scraping walls so they could be repainted. I was still not feeling great on Tuesday and spent some of the morning napping in the truck before we could get medicine in town at lunch time. I was so worn out from not feeling good that I slept straight through our evening devo time and didn't wake up until the next day.

Wednesday was much the same. We wrapped up the soccer tourney and then headed out to the farm to help Marcus with one last project. The project was bringing big bundles of cornstalks in from the field. We even got to ride on top of the cornstalks after they were piled up on the trailer.

And that was it. We cleaned up Pequeño Benjamin and headed off to Managua to stay the night before leaving the next morning. While in Managua we got to eat dinner at the house where Valerie lived and we got to here stories from many of our Nicaraguan brothers and sisters. It was a wonderful night filled with laughter and love like you'd find at your typical family dinner.

Despite the fact that my stomach started hating me halfway through this trip, it was a truly amazing experience. I'm still in awe of the fact that God has let me go love on these amazing people 2 times now. My eyes have been opened up wide to this great big family we have in Christ. My heart longs to meet my brothers and sisters all over the world and get the chance to love on them and spend time with them and hear their stories. I want all of my days to feel like my days in Nicaragua, like I'm waking up with purpose and have a job to get done that is about more than me. I've realized that I wasn't born into the richest country in the world by pure luck. God wants me to do something with that blessing. And looking into the future, I can see it. I can see myself all over the world helping my brothers and sisters and loving them because God loves them and we're family in the grand scheme of things. And that makes me so ready to go, so ready to chaseafter these dreams, so ready to be His hands and feet in this world.

If you've read all the way to here, thanks! Sorry it was long...I tried to condense, but there's lots of greatness to share :) If you want to hear more or have questions about my trip, hit me up some time.