Life in the Land of Oz

Ok, I know it's like actually literally the opposite of the land of Oz since "We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto;" but the land of Oz sounds so much cooler than Kansas, plus there's a Wizard of Oz museum here, plus I just love Wizard of Oz. So we're gonna go with it.

Well, I live here now. That's so weird to say and I still can't really believe it. It's strange because once upon a time, I moved out of the country on my own and it never really felt weird to say I lived in Honduras. I think it's got to do with everything being so similar and family being so close, relatively speaking. In Honduras, it was very clear that I was very far away and things were significantly different so I could tell I had made a big change right away. Here, not so much. It kinda still just feels like I'm here to visit my sister and I'll be heading back home soon. I suppose it will sink in more the longer I'm here.

So I don't know if you know this, but I haven't worked since mid December. The day I went to the hospital for my last inpatient stay, I decided my mental state just wasn't suitable for caring for tiny humans and I quit my job while I sat in the emergency room. It's been strange, because well, I like to work and work a lot; then one day I just couldn't anymore. I have hated being dependent on my family for everything since I suddenly lost my income, but they have been a huge huge help to me and never even questioned it. I don't know what I would have done without them standing behind me. They're just great. Anywho, back to the topic of work; I haven't been doing it lately. Before I moved, my therapist and I agreed that maybe I wasn't ready to go back to work yet. She suggested perhaps applying for disability just to get me by until my brain straightened back out. I kicked this idea around for a while and figured it was probably my best bet. I'm still not having enough good days to pretend to be ok for people. But fast forward to last weekend which was moving weekend and I was feeling great.

I got all settled in here and even felt good enough to go out and apply for a job on Monday. I was on top the world! I voluntarily got out of the house and made a move to get my butt back to work. But then I didn't hear back from the place I had applied. Bam, hit with rejection which really puts me in a bad way very very quickly. And the part of my brain that might come up with rational explanations for not getting a call is drowned out by the part that screams, "EVERYONE HATES YOU, YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING, JUST GIVE UP!" Then the darkness just hit me like a ton of bricks and took over my brain again. I applied for disability yesterday because, I'm really not sure I'm ready to go back to work. I think my therapist was right when she said that I've lost that mask that I have to wear when dealing with people. But guys, adulting will kick you right in the freaking shins every single time.

Basically, insurance and the market place are kind of a mess and I have to find new doctors ASAP. My therapist said she wasn't sure I'd be able to keep making myself live for long without someone to talk to. I can't say she's wrong about that either. So, I can't use my Missouri insurance here, but I also can't just like transfer my policy. And when I tell the marketplace that I haven't made any money in the past month and can't estimate income for the year they're like, "oh, you're too poor, we won't help you pay for insurance;" which is just like, nonsense. But long story short, I have to hope my Missouri doctors will just refill my prescriptions without making me come in or I have to drive home if they want to see me. And I'm hoping I can work out some sort of video chat sessions or something with my therapist. Ugh, it's such a mess. Because of this mess I decided it didn't matter if I was ready to return to work, I'm just going to have to make myself. At the risk of rejection (again) I called to check on my application. Turns out they had lost it, but the manager wanted to meet with me. So now I have a job and can straighten the insurance mess eventually. I still really don't think I'm ready to work again, but I just couldn't wait around for a decision about disability. We'll see how it goes I guess.

Wow, this is way longer than I expected. If you're still with me, thanks for letting me ramble. Getting thoughts out is really helpful for me, even if no one ever reads them.