I'm both happy and sad...and that's ok.

"So this is my life and I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." (The perks of Being a Wallflower)
I used to read this quote and kind of wallow in it. I read it as saying that I was always somewhat sad, no matter what. Even on the brightest, sunniest, and best of days, I was sad. I appreciated that a book actually got that. Charlie felt like I felt. Charlie had to be in a psych ward, just like me. Even if it was just in a work of fiction, I wasn't alone in how I felt. The thing is though, that I was always trying to figure out why I felt that way. Why me? What did I do to deserve to always feel sad? I've come to the conclusion that "why" is the most dangerous question I can ask, at least for big things in life such as this. There are 2 simple reasons for this: there is no one on this earth who can actually tell me why and even if there was, the answer would never satisfy me. I would always walk away feeling frustrated. And that's where I would stay. I would ruminate on the frustration until I eventually spiraled out of control, ending up at the bottom of that damned rabbit hole. Over the past several months, though, I have had a drastic shift in perspective. I have challenged myself to stop asking "why" and it is so freeing. (Not so) Simple acceptance brings so much more peace to my life.

I still love the Perks quote as it still resonates deeply with me. I think now I would just reword it a tiny bit..."I'm both happy and sad and that means I'm alive and it's amazing." The cool thing is that I am both happy and sad, but I now know how to make that ok. I've learned that feeling that sad isn't something to be ashamed of and it doesn't have to take over my life. I can acknowledge the sad, feel it, then let it pass by without clinging to it. And the happy, oh man, the happy. I know to be mindful and soak up as much as I can from each moment while I'm in it. I know to give myself over to the happiness even if that means I'm singing and dancing and acting a fool in front of everyone (that's exceedingly rare, btw). If it makes me happy, then who cares? I don't anymore.

Learning to live life again is cool. Learning to see the world with fresh eyes is truly awe inspiring. Friends, I want you to take a few things from reading this: you are NEVER alone, no matter how you feel....please never let your mind convince you otherwise; it's ok to feel sad, but don't allow it to set up shop in your mind; stop asking why, it will free you like you would never believe; embrace the happy moments as long as possible.

So this is life and I want you to know that I hope you're both happy and sad and that means you're really alive. And that, my loves, is the most amazing feeling of all.