I lost it.

I came here to serve.

I came here to be part of something bigger than myself.

I came here to love others.

But somewhere along the way, I lost it.

I lost my heart to serve.

I lost the love that always puts others first.

I lost the grace that is always forgiving.

I'm not sure when this began, but I can tell you that last week was when I finally broke. I got so mad. I was just over all of it. I was tired of feeling like I was the only person working. I was tired of cleaning up after people who weren't doing their jobs right. In the midst of utter chaos due to miscommunication, I looked out at everything that had been left to do and everything that was breaking and I made it all about me. I made it about how I was working my butt off. I made it about how I didn't feel appreciated. And I saw something in myself that I hate to see. I saw anger, selfishness, and unforgiveness. And I hated myself for it.

Thankfully, my team was nothing but forgiving when I apologized for my behavior toward them. Even better, I serve a God who doesn't turn His back on me when I fail Him miserably like this again and again. I serve a God who takes me back every single time. I serve a God who's still working on me. I serve a God who will keep working on me because He loves me so much that He died to take away my broken mess of a life.

I was reminded of this today in our final worship service as a staff for the summer. It's kind of funny actually because I've only been to one other staff worship service this whole summer, as I usually go to church with my sister. But I heard that Debbie was speaking this morning and I wanted to hear what she had to say. Of course, it's not a coincidence that the words that the Lord gave her to give to us spoke right to my heart and the place I've been for at least a few weeks now. She spoke on the condition of our hearts when we're serving. Because, yeah, we're all here and working this summer but are we doing it with love? Are we forgetting the bigger picture and letting our frustrations get the better of us? I know I have. Time and time again.

And let's be real here, this isn't a thing just from this summer, it's a thing in my heart. And this summer has done a good job of bringing that out into the light. It's been like a smack in the face. And I needed it. Because I wasn't shining Christ's light in my work or in the way I serve. 

So I've got one week left here. That's it. One week to make the best it possibly can be. One week to love the people here. One week to serve. One week to make sure I'm putting myself last, always. And then I'm right back to work at home. And I pray that I not forget this lesson I've learned here this summer. May I humble myself every day and be ready to serve in whatever way I'm needed.

In the words of a good friend...

Some days I really suck, but God is ALWAYS good. 

And I'm so thankful that's true. 

And I'm so thankful that even when I suck, He picks me up and tells me to try again.

Here am I; send me

I've been thinking a lot lately about a night a few years ago. I'm not sure how many years, as I don't remember what year it was exactly, but I was still in high school.
It was a sticky Midwestern night in Carbondale, Illinois. Southland's youth group was at the Christ in Youth conference that we attended every summer. But this night was different than any other night at any other CIY I've ever been to.

You see, this was the night that I first felt called out into the world for mission type work in some form or fashion. This was the year that CIY made the Baht video about Rapha house and I was ready to go to Cambodia right then and there (I still want to go to Cambodia).
I had no idea that years later I would find myself in Nicaragua over Christmas break, absolutely sure that that's the kind of thing I was supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. Granted, I still don't know what this will look like exactly, but I do feel God's call on my life to go love on people all around this great big world.

And the coolest thing happened tonight. I was sitting in Fuge's worship service, thinking about that night at CIY years ago. I was thinking how scary it felt to know I was called to something so big and not having a clue where to begin. I was thinking about the kids filling the chapel who might be feeling how I felt that night.

And then I got a message from one of our church's other youth sponsors. Tonight was the last night of CIY for them. And as it turns out, one of our youth group girls felt that same call this week that I first felt however many years ago. And I get the absolute privilege of sitting down and talking to her about missions when I go home. And I couldn't be more excited. I can't wait to share my passion and my heart for the while at the same time watching that grow in one of my youth group girls!

I don't have a great conclusion here, I was hust so excited and had to share what a cool night it has been :)

We're going to be best friends...

"We're going to be best friends."
"Oh we are?"
"Yep, we're going to be best friends and you're going to tell me all about your life and it'll be great."
"Sorry, no. I don't do that."
That's a real conversation I had near the beginning of the summer. And it's weird. I just wrote it off after that day and continued to work with this person like normal.
That was, until a couple days ago. Because, you see, at the end of last week my brain decided to do that funny thing where it goes all wonky for an undetermined amount of time. And for a few days, things were not good inside my brain. And when things are not good inside my brain, I'm kind of a bummer to be around. But it's the people who stick by me in those times that I cherish most. It's the ones who can see through my excuses who don't take, "I'm fine" for an answer and who let me care who I know I can lean on if I need to. And that's exactly what this person did for me last week. She was there. She let me know she cared. When I text her over the weekend to say thanks for caring, her response was simply, "I told we'd be friends and that's what friends do." And I was blown away by that.
So tomorrow, we're going to sit down and talk about my life. And that's something I don't do. But I have been so blessed to find an amazing new friend and confidant here that I'm going to let her in even though that's hard for me.

That's what's on my mind tonight...but in the way of my normal camp life update, last week was rather boring. It was a very small week so things were slow and the week kind of dragged. My mom is in New Mexico right now! And we had community day on Saturday. It was very cool to see everyone get to come out and enjoy this amazing place for the day. I guess that all I got for ya this week. Thanks for keeping up with my life and the interesting journey that this summer has been.

Today

Today I'm sitting on a dock, feet dangling in the cool lake water, watching the sun as it slowly dips down to kiss the mountain tops. 

And today I am completely content.

And that's kind of weird because if we're being honest, I've spent much of this summer frustrated. And that's kind of ruined this experience for me at times. But in thinking about that, I realized that I was the problem all along. It's my own expectations of people that lead me to frustration with them in the first place. So that's on me, and it's a thing I need to work on. And I can't let that affect the I love people or the way I serve them. That realization has done wonders for me.

Today I'm thankful that my big sister is 1 hour from me and that we get spend each weekend together. That's a bigger blessing than I can really explain.

Today I'm thankful for people who take the time to be my friend, even when I'm not the easiest to get to know. And for the times we can just sit together and spend time.

Today, I'm content with this day and what it's been for me. And most of all, today I'm hopeful because my Lord is doing bigger things than I could ever imagine.

Is it really a new week already?

Well another week is beginning today and I've been trying to think of what to tell you about last week. Last week was interesting, to say the least. But as I'm going over last week in my mind, all I really want to tell you is that I work with some truly outstanding individuals.

Seriously.

These are people who, even when exhausted from their own work, will go help out somewhere else just because they known it needs done. They're people who sacrifice free time to work so a sick coworker can stay in bed. They're people who remain joyful even through the stressful of the day to day. They're people who will ask how I'm doing and really want to know the truth. They're people who hug me when I cry. They're people who continue to try to be part of my life even though I'm hesitant to let them in. And I am just in awe of these people and feel so incredibly blessed to get to spend the summer working with them!

Last week, for the first time this summer, I really wanted to be home. It finally hit me how hard it is to be away from the people you care about, especially when you know they are hurting. Being 12 hours away and not able to simply be there for people kind of sucks. But technology is cool and I finally figured out video chatting on my phone. So that was a definite plus last week as I got to have nice long chats with some people I dearly miss.

I'm refreshed and ready for another week after spending the weekend with my sister in Albuquerque. I'm excited to have another group of campers come in this afternoon to spend the week here in this amazing place. May their hearts and minds, as well as ours, be open to what God wants to teach us this week.

So this is my life...

It's hard to believe that another week has passed. It's even harder to believe that I have been here for a whole month. Like, when did that even happen?

This week was much better than last! I actually got sleep when I finally fell into bed each night! Shout out to my awesome sister for over-nighting me ear plugs last week. Haha, but for real though.

This was the first week for Fuge, which as far as I can tell is basically a Baptist CIY type of deal. They had a small group this week so we got some room to breathe as we settled into what will be our schedule for the next 7 weeks. Days were still long as we are now opening up in the early morning for coffee and I'm also usually the closer for late night which ends at 11 or 11:30 each night. We keep busy when the coffee shop is closed because we got 6 pallets of shirts in to fold...it's so many shirts. We've made it better by also having a Harry Potter marathon while we fold :-)

I did get to do some fun things this week like the zip drop and bag jump. There's still a long list of adventures for me out here though.

Had a relaxing day off today, got to sleep in then go to church and a movie with friends. I'm connecting with the other summer staffers more these days, so that's cool.

I'm really most excited for next weekend and every weekend after because I'll get to spend time with my big sister at her new house. This is by far the closest we've been together in 3 years and I plan to soak up every minute we have together.

I miss some things about being home. Mostly having a place to myself and time to myself. Also I miss my best friend. Like, a ton. It's funny that you don't realize how much time you spend with people until you're far apart.

Thanks for all the letters, cards, and packages you've been sending! Mail always makes my day and I usually walk all the way across camp each day just to check the mail.

Sorry for a boring update. I love you people and miss you dearly.

What it's all about

Well, another week is in the books...and boy was it a week. We had our first ever campers, a group of over 1,000 that rented out the whole place. IT. WAS. INSANITY. You wouldn't think running the coffee shops would be stressful, but when you tell 1,000 kids they are free to go in there for free time, there is a line the entire time. Blenders are whirring the entire time. Kids are glaring because they want their fraps. The entire time. And when that's your whole day, from 9 am to midnight, with free time only to eat then immediately clean up dishes from 1,000 people, you get real tired real fast. And when you can't sleep due to snoring roommates, you get exhausted really fast. Add to that a boss you don't exactly see eye to eye with mist of the time and you get a very stressful situation.
But as tired as I was, there was so much good. I'm forming solid relationships with the people I work with all day everyday.  I'm work in on my patience both with kids and coworkers.
I'm learning to give up control. Many times I'm told to do things that I don't think make sense and that I would ordinarily question. I'm working on just accepting whoever is in authority over me and do what they say even if I think it's dumb. A lot of times I think it's dumb. But I try to have an attitude that at least isn't negative.
But you know what's even cooler?  1,000 kids spent all last week growing closer to God. They adventured, they formed relationships, and they heard lots of  Biblical truth. And that's what we're here for. And maybe I don't see that happening from my little corner of camp. But that's ok because I know that it's still happening. I have trouble remembering that in the thick of the week. All I want tot think about is sleep and the terrible job support staff did closing the coffee shop. This week, I'm going to strive to remember why I'm here...I'm here to serve. And that isn't always fun, easy, clean, or sleep filled. But it's not about me.
So tonight our first round of group camp shows up and tomorrow Fuge camp begins. And it's gonna be awesome. I'm going ro be tired and I might get annoyed but I will be there best servant I can be simply so that each person I come into contact with can see God's love through me. Because that's what it's all about.