Humanness

Six years ago today my mom got a phone call, the kind of phone call one never hopes for...I remember her trying to stay calm as she said to me, "There was an accident..." then proceeded to tell me that my 7 year old cousin, Tommie, had been killed and my aunt was rushed to the hospital for surgery. What happened after that is basically a scary stressful blur looking back...

I remember shaking and bawling my eyes out as I saw my baby cousin for the last time.

I remember the helpless feeling of not having any words but desperately wanting to take my aunt's pain away.

I remember the most beautiful funeral I've ever seen as a caravan of motorcycles accompanied the tiny white coffin to the graveyard.

 I remember wishing I'd been around my family more rather than growing up 5 hours away.

I remember being so confused about everything.

I remember being angry with God...then being mad at myself for being mad at God.

Though I still have a hard time reliving this, I know I walked away from it a better person...I got to see my family band together even though they usually fight a ton. I realized just how important it is to tell people you love them...not to be terribly cliche, but you really never know when it may be your last chance to tell them. It occurred to me that I don't make it back to visit my family enough. 

Most importantly though, I was reminded of how very human I am...I was really angry with God for a rather long time and I felt like a terrible Christian for being mad at God...I mean, He's God, we're not allowed to be mad at Him, right? But we're human and that's a very real human emotional reaction. The thing is, sometimes you just have to let yourself feel whatever it is you're going to feel...but don't hold onto those feelings. Take them all to God and say, "Hey God, I really don't understand what you're doing and I'm having trouble with it and I'm a little ticked at you right now but I don't want to feel that way...could you maybe help me out with that?" He already knows what you're feeling anyway, He just wants you to talk to Him about it and ask for His help. Oh but we just hate to ask for help, don't we? It's hard to remember that God is our Father just waiting to help us and wrap His loving arms around us as soon as we turn our eyes to Him and say, "I can't handle this alone, please help me Abba Father." Abba Father...it's like you're saying Daddy...like a little kid calling out. I love that picture! Just think of your Dad...if you cry out to him, "Daddy, I need you help!" is he just going to ignore you? No, he's going to run to you and do everything in his power to help...and that's what God wants to do too.

So on a day that once held so much darkness for me, I can now rejoice in the love of God. I will never understand why Tommie left us so suddenly and at such a young age but I handed all of my pain from this situation over to God and he put my mind at ease. I'm held in the arms of the Creator of the universe and that's the most comforting feeling I know!