We have ways of making you talk...

We all know this scene from the movie, right? The one where the bad guy's been caught but he's not about to admit a thing or give up any secrets to anyone so they put him under that super intense light and whoever is interrogating him gets right up in his face and says, "We have ways of making you talk..." While I've never been in this situation for really real, this is how much of my life has felt...like someone is right up in my face, grilling me, trying to get me to say something.
And let me tell you, that's not a fun situation to be in. Yeah, I'm quiet, I know this. I've been like that for as long as I can remember so I really can't tell you why. I mean, I'm sure it's frustrating to people when they can tell I'm thinking something and I never say it...but if people could only imagine how much more frustrating it is to be on the flip side of this scenario, man would their perspectives change! Those times that you have a profound (or maybe just funny) thing to say, and you have it all worked out in your mind what you'll say and how you'll say it but then you, for some unknown reason, can't bring yourself to speak up...know what I'm talking about? That's pretty much all the time for me, and it sucks. I'm really not sure why this happens.
I've always seen myself as more an observer and a thinker. And let me tell you, silence has a huge advantage when you want to learn things...interestingly enough, my silence has helped me learn quite a bit about speaking up from time to time.
Let's go back to Christmas break in Nicaragua. Each night, our group would sit around and talk about the day. People would discuss what we'd done, things we'd seen, what God was teaching us, etc and I would listen. I never said a single thing on any of the nights we were there. Then on our last day, a counselor came in to talk to us and kind of debrief with us. He wanted to know how our week was, what we'd learned, general thoughts, and whatnot. I had successfully managed to sit by silently for most of that time until he called me out and made me talk...rude. After that little fun time, one of our fearless leaders, Molly, told me she was glad to hear what I had to say for once. Then we had the whole discussion about me being quiet all the time and I thought that was the end of that.
Little did I know that the first time I saw her again, Molly would offer me a challenge of sorts (though she probably wouldn't call it that). How? Well, I went to tell her good-bye and she said to me simply, "See you later...we'll talk?" In my head I was thinking, "Talk about what? Why do you want to talk to me? Didn't I explain this whole quiet thing to you?" but what I said was, "Yeah, that'd be great." And so we started talking...and it's been pretty great. There's now one more person in that small circle of people that I let in, people that I trust. And now, I'm really working on expanding that circle and letting more people in because I can really see the value in it. I mean, I am beyond thankful to have someone who takes an hour out of their busy week just to sit and talk about life, it's such a blessing in my life. I want to be that person to someone else...I want to be the person they trust, the one they know they can talk to, the one they can ask questions. That's a goal of mine, to get to that place where I can not only let people be that for me but to let people know that I'll be that for them.
I realize though, that that's going to take some real effort on my part. It means making that choice to spend time with people even though I'd rather be alone sometimes. It means speaking up when something's on my mind. It means not being afraid to tell someone I need to talk. Right now, it's a matter of trying and learning. I'm trying to be better about not only talking but really letting people in and connecting. I'm trying to speak up. I'm learning what it's like to have those people you can talk to about everything. I'm learning that people do want to hear what I'm thinking from time to time. Most of all, I'm learning that when it comes down to it, God will always give me the words to say if I ask Him and that's all that matters.