Being Afraid of the Dark

"You have to deal with the bad times because they make the good times so much better."

"We wouldn't know how good the good times are if it wasn't for the bad ones."

These are the things people say...these are the things we believe. 

I think this is nonsense. 

And maybe I'm dead wrong about that, but in my head the bad times don't make the good ones seem better, they make them terrifying. 

They make every day feel like you're standing on the edge of a black hole that you might just topple into at any moment. 

The bad times become comfortable. 

We learn how to navigate the darkness, how to do life normally when we feel anything but normal. 

But then when there's light? 

Well that's a different story. It's something that can so quickly slip away. 

And if you've embraced the little bit of time in the light...well the fall back into the dark hurts like hell. 

And it leaves you wondering how you ended up there again. 

Why you can't just be a normal human being who can embrace the gift that life is and love it on a day to day basis. 

But that's what you begin to accept. 

That's life and you press on hoping beyond hope one day it will be better. 

But the better days are difficult to grapple with when you're always afraid of the darkness coming back.

So can I tell you what I think needs to happen?

I think we need to stop telling people that their pain will be worth it one day, that some mysterious time in the blind future, what hurts right now will make it better later.

I think we need to be people who accept the fact that other people are people too.

And I think we need to make an effort to make it better right now instead of telling them it will be better later.

I think that even when we don't understand things, it's our responsibility to take people's hands and let them know that we're there and we aren't walking away.

I think we need to do what we can to make them smile and make them laugh on those days when smiles and laughter seem impossible.

Because here and now is what's important, not the inevitable better days in the future that seem eternities away.

And when the days are good?

For the love of all things good and holy, embrace them!

They are fleeting and they are far between some times. 

So acknowledge that.

Know that they might not last but don't let that knowledge scare you into loving them.

Let that knowledge push you to live and love it.

Don't let the fear of falling back into the dark turn into an even greater fear of the light.

People Need Other People

This print hangs right at the foot of my bed, it is the first thing I see each morning and one of the last I see each night.

And I love it.

But do I believe it?

Because for some time I know that I didn't believe it. I knew in the back of my mind that it was true, that people really do need other people. But I didn't think it applied to me.

I thought that I was different.

I thought that I could go it alone and take everything that life could possibly throw me, on my own.

But that life is hard.

That life is lonely, even if we'd rather not admit it.

The thing about putting walls up around your heart is that they keep people from hurting you, but don't let the people in who can keep you from hurting yourself.

Please don't freak out over that last statement, 

I don't mean physically hurting...I mean the type of hurting you that your brain can do when it runs free. 

The kind when you get lost inside your own dark and twisty places with no one to share that pain and confusion with.

But people, man, people take that pain and confusion and they ignore it. 

They don't treat it like they should when you let them in. 

They pretend it's not a huge deal.

They take the trust that you gave them and stomp on it.

So you just stop trusting people.

And that's when the walls go up.

And you start resenting the world and every single person outside of those walls.

But then, someone cares enough to break down your walls.

And maybe that was the whole point of the walls in the first place, to see who would care enough to break them down.

Have you seen Grey's Anatomy? Grey's introduced the notion of someone being your person. Meredith and Christina are each other's person. They are there for each other through thick and thin, no matter what life throws at them. 

I used to think that was silly.  

I've had some great friends over the years, don't get me wrong, but never before have I had a person.

And now I do. 

I have a person who I can tell everything to.

I have a person who really cares.

And I am beyond thankful for that.

I can't describe to you how amazing it is to know that another human being cares about you even when they may be going through storms of their own.

Moral of the story?

People really do need other people.

I understand if you have walls up, I really do.

But take a minute and look at who's still there despite your walls.

Because, those people, they're the ones who will hold your hand through whatever life has for you.

Those are your people.

Never let them go.

I wrote a poem...

Sometimes, during my 3 hour night class, my brain wanders a bit. Here is the product of tonight's wandering...I haven't played around with poetry in a while so sorry if this is awful.

So What Will You Do With Your Life?
Someone once told me I could be what I want to be.

I told them, "I want to be free."

But as I grew older, things started to change.
They told me to be realistic and stable.

I told them,  "I'll go anywhere I'm able."

They said go to school, get a job, and save money.
They said find a man to love you and call you honey.

I told them, "That's not for me."

They frowned at me and shook their heads.
They said my dreams were much too grand.

I told them, "I can do it, just take my hand."

So here I stand, feeling wild and free.
Wondering if they ever really meant to be what I want to be.

I'm a gypsy, are you coming with me?

Oh hey there, internet...it's been a while. In fact, I realized I haven't written since I left camp. Well, I've written, I've written a ton actually...just perhaps not things I want the entirety of the internet to be privy to. But I've been wanting to return. There's something about knowing that my thoughts are out there to be pondered by others that I like. And I've had a ton of thoughts as of late. Not that I don't always, but my brain has been exceptionally busy.

So, I graduate in May. FINALLY. So obviously the question everyone feels inclined to ask me is what I'm going to do with my life. And my answer remains, I don't really know. I know how this looks. It makes me look lazy and unambitious. But let me assure you that it is quite the opposite. You see, I look at this whole world and see it as full of opportunity to go places and do things and live. I just don't know where to start.

Also, I seem to have missed out on the "American Dream" gene. What I mean by that is that there is no part of me whatsoever that has any interest in accumulating wealth and buying a house and settling down, etc. In fact, that sentence was a but painful to write...really, I was cringing the whole time.

Can I let you in on a secret? Can I tell you what my ultimate dream life would look like? I want to be a nomad. I want to fall in love with new places over and over again for the rest of my life. I want to sell all of my crap and just go. Where? Everywhere. Seriously, in the states, out of the states, everywhere. I want to pick a place on the map, go there, find a job, and just do life there for a while until I leave again.

Who ever told us that wasn't ok? Who told us we had to be responsible adults who have retirement accounts and 9-5 jobs? Because I think that person needs to be punched. Because there's too much out there for me to stay in one place for the rest of my life. There are people to meet and places to explore. Granted, I'm not saying I'd be reckless. I'm all for paying your bills and staying out of debt...but who says I have to stay in one place to do that? I don't think I do. I think I could pull it off,

Will this be my life? I'm really not sure yet. Will I end up at a bilingual school in Honduras this time next year? I don't know yet.


All I know is I cannot settle for ordinary. My heart was made to wander and I don't think that's a bad thing.

I lost it.

I came here to serve.

I came here to be part of something bigger than myself.

I came here to love others.

But somewhere along the way, I lost it.

I lost my heart to serve.

I lost the love that always puts others first.

I lost the grace that is always forgiving.

I'm not sure when this began, but I can tell you that last week was when I finally broke. I got so mad. I was just over all of it. I was tired of feeling like I was the only person working. I was tired of cleaning up after people who weren't doing their jobs right. In the midst of utter chaos due to miscommunication, I looked out at everything that had been left to do and everything that was breaking and I made it all about me. I made it about how I was working my butt off. I made it about how I didn't feel appreciated. And I saw something in myself that I hate to see. I saw anger, selfishness, and unforgiveness. And I hated myself for it.

Thankfully, my team was nothing but forgiving when I apologized for my behavior toward them. Even better, I serve a God who doesn't turn His back on me when I fail Him miserably like this again and again. I serve a God who takes me back every single time. I serve a God who's still working on me. I serve a God who will keep working on me because He loves me so much that He died to take away my broken mess of a life.

I was reminded of this today in our final worship service as a staff for the summer. It's kind of funny actually because I've only been to one other staff worship service this whole summer, as I usually go to church with my sister. But I heard that Debbie was speaking this morning and I wanted to hear what she had to say. Of course, it's not a coincidence that the words that the Lord gave her to give to us spoke right to my heart and the place I've been for at least a few weeks now. She spoke on the condition of our hearts when we're serving. Because, yeah, we're all here and working this summer but are we doing it with love? Are we forgetting the bigger picture and letting our frustrations get the better of us? I know I have. Time and time again.

And let's be real here, this isn't a thing just from this summer, it's a thing in my heart. And this summer has done a good job of bringing that out into the light. It's been like a smack in the face. And I needed it. Because I wasn't shining Christ's light in my work or in the way I serve. 

So I've got one week left here. That's it. One week to make the best it possibly can be. One week to love the people here. One week to serve. One week to make sure I'm putting myself last, always. And then I'm right back to work at home. And I pray that I not forget this lesson I've learned here this summer. May I humble myself every day and be ready to serve in whatever way I'm needed.

In the words of a good friend...

Some days I really suck, but God is ALWAYS good. 

And I'm so thankful that's true. 

And I'm so thankful that even when I suck, He picks me up and tells me to try again.

Here am I; send me

I've been thinking a lot lately about a night a few years ago. I'm not sure how many years, as I don't remember what year it was exactly, but I was still in high school.
It was a sticky Midwestern night in Carbondale, Illinois. Southland's youth group was at the Christ in Youth conference that we attended every summer. But this night was different than any other night at any other CIY I've ever been to.

You see, this was the night that I first felt called out into the world for mission type work in some form or fashion. This was the year that CIY made the Baht video about Rapha house and I was ready to go to Cambodia right then and there (I still want to go to Cambodia).
I had no idea that years later I would find myself in Nicaragua over Christmas break, absolutely sure that that's the kind of thing I was supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. Granted, I still don't know what this will look like exactly, but I do feel God's call on my life to go love on people all around this great big world.

And the coolest thing happened tonight. I was sitting in Fuge's worship service, thinking about that night at CIY years ago. I was thinking how scary it felt to know I was called to something so big and not having a clue where to begin. I was thinking about the kids filling the chapel who might be feeling how I felt that night.

And then I got a message from one of our church's other youth sponsors. Tonight was the last night of CIY for them. And as it turns out, one of our youth group girls felt that same call this week that I first felt however many years ago. And I get the absolute privilege of sitting down and talking to her about missions when I go home. And I couldn't be more excited. I can't wait to share my passion and my heart for the while at the same time watching that grow in one of my youth group girls!

I don't have a great conclusion here, I was hust so excited and had to share what a cool night it has been :)

We're going to be best friends...

"We're going to be best friends."
"Oh we are?"
"Yep, we're going to be best friends and you're going to tell me all about your life and it'll be great."
"Sorry, no. I don't do that."
That's a real conversation I had near the beginning of the summer. And it's weird. I just wrote it off after that day and continued to work with this person like normal.
That was, until a couple days ago. Because, you see, at the end of last week my brain decided to do that funny thing where it goes all wonky for an undetermined amount of time. And for a few days, things were not good inside my brain. And when things are not good inside my brain, I'm kind of a bummer to be around. But it's the people who stick by me in those times that I cherish most. It's the ones who can see through my excuses who don't take, "I'm fine" for an answer and who let me care who I know I can lean on if I need to. And that's exactly what this person did for me last week. She was there. She let me know she cared. When I text her over the weekend to say thanks for caring, her response was simply, "I told we'd be friends and that's what friends do." And I was blown away by that.
So tomorrow, we're going to sit down and talk about my life. And that's something I don't do. But I have been so blessed to find an amazing new friend and confidant here that I'm going to let her in even though that's hard for me.

That's what's on my mind tonight...but in the way of my normal camp life update, last week was rather boring. It was a very small week so things were slow and the week kind of dragged. My mom is in New Mexico right now! And we had community day on Saturday. It was very cool to see everyone get to come out and enjoy this amazing place for the day. I guess that all I got for ya this week. Thanks for keeping up with my life and the interesting journey that this summer has been.

Today

Today I'm sitting on a dock, feet dangling in the cool lake water, watching the sun as it slowly dips down to kiss the mountain tops. 

And today I am completely content.

And that's kind of weird because if we're being honest, I've spent much of this summer frustrated. And that's kind of ruined this experience for me at times. But in thinking about that, I realized that I was the problem all along. It's my own expectations of people that lead me to frustration with them in the first place. So that's on me, and it's a thing I need to work on. And I can't let that affect the I love people or the way I serve them. That realization has done wonders for me.

Today I'm thankful that my big sister is 1 hour from me and that we get spend each weekend together. That's a bigger blessing than I can really explain.

Today I'm thankful for people who take the time to be my friend, even when I'm not the easiest to get to know. And for the times we can just sit together and spend time.

Today, I'm content with this day and what it's been for me. And most of all, today I'm hopeful because my Lord is doing bigger things than I could ever imagine.

Is it really a new week already?

Well another week is beginning today and I've been trying to think of what to tell you about last week. Last week was interesting, to say the least. But as I'm going over last week in my mind, all I really want to tell you is that I work with some truly outstanding individuals.

Seriously.

These are people who, even when exhausted from their own work, will go help out somewhere else just because they known it needs done. They're people who sacrifice free time to work so a sick coworker can stay in bed. They're people who remain joyful even through the stressful of the day to day. They're people who will ask how I'm doing and really want to know the truth. They're people who hug me when I cry. They're people who continue to try to be part of my life even though I'm hesitant to let them in. And I am just in awe of these people and feel so incredibly blessed to get to spend the summer working with them!

Last week, for the first time this summer, I really wanted to be home. It finally hit me how hard it is to be away from the people you care about, especially when you know they are hurting. Being 12 hours away and not able to simply be there for people kind of sucks. But technology is cool and I finally figured out video chatting on my phone. So that was a definite plus last week as I got to have nice long chats with some people I dearly miss.

I'm refreshed and ready for another week after spending the weekend with my sister in Albuquerque. I'm excited to have another group of campers come in this afternoon to spend the week here in this amazing place. May their hearts and minds, as well as ours, be open to what God wants to teach us this week.

So this is my life...

It's hard to believe that another week has passed. It's even harder to believe that I have been here for a whole month. Like, when did that even happen?

This week was much better than last! I actually got sleep when I finally fell into bed each night! Shout out to my awesome sister for over-nighting me ear plugs last week. Haha, but for real though.

This was the first week for Fuge, which as far as I can tell is basically a Baptist CIY type of deal. They had a small group this week so we got some room to breathe as we settled into what will be our schedule for the next 7 weeks. Days were still long as we are now opening up in the early morning for coffee and I'm also usually the closer for late night which ends at 11 or 11:30 each night. We keep busy when the coffee shop is closed because we got 6 pallets of shirts in to fold...it's so many shirts. We've made it better by also having a Harry Potter marathon while we fold :-)

I did get to do some fun things this week like the zip drop and bag jump. There's still a long list of adventures for me out here though.

Had a relaxing day off today, got to sleep in then go to church and a movie with friends. I'm connecting with the other summer staffers more these days, so that's cool.

I'm really most excited for next weekend and every weekend after because I'll get to spend time with my big sister at her new house. This is by far the closest we've been together in 3 years and I plan to soak up every minute we have together.

I miss some things about being home. Mostly having a place to myself and time to myself. Also I miss my best friend. Like, a ton. It's funny that you don't realize how much time you spend with people until you're far apart.

Thanks for all the letters, cards, and packages you've been sending! Mail always makes my day and I usually walk all the way across camp each day just to check the mail.

Sorry for a boring update. I love you people and miss you dearly.

What it's all about

Well, another week is in the books...and boy was it a week. We had our first ever campers, a group of over 1,000 that rented out the whole place. IT. WAS. INSANITY. You wouldn't think running the coffee shops would be stressful, but when you tell 1,000 kids they are free to go in there for free time, there is a line the entire time. Blenders are whirring the entire time. Kids are glaring because they want their fraps. The entire time. And when that's your whole day, from 9 am to midnight, with free time only to eat then immediately clean up dishes from 1,000 people, you get real tired real fast. And when you can't sleep due to snoring roommates, you get exhausted really fast. Add to that a boss you don't exactly see eye to eye with mist of the time and you get a very stressful situation.
But as tired as I was, there was so much good. I'm forming solid relationships with the people I work with all day everyday.  I'm work in on my patience both with kids and coworkers.
I'm learning to give up control. Many times I'm told to do things that I don't think make sense and that I would ordinarily question. I'm working on just accepting whoever is in authority over me and do what they say even if I think it's dumb. A lot of times I think it's dumb. But I try to have an attitude that at least isn't negative.
But you know what's even cooler?  1,000 kids spent all last week growing closer to God. They adventured, they formed relationships, and they heard lots of  Biblical truth. And that's what we're here for. And maybe I don't see that happening from my little corner of camp. But that's ok because I know that it's still happening. I have trouble remembering that in the thick of the week. All I want tot think about is sleep and the terrible job support staff did closing the coffee shop. This week, I'm going to strive to remember why I'm here...I'm here to serve. And that isn't always fun, easy, clean, or sleep filled. But it's not about me.
So tonight our first round of group camp shows up and tomorrow Fuge camp begins. And it's gonna be awesome. I'm going ro be tired and I might get annoyed but I will be there best servant I can be simply so that each person I come into contact with can see God's love through me. Because that's what it's all about.

Outsider

I'm an outsider here.
Please note that I don't say that like it's a bad thing at all. It's just weird. What I mean, I think, is that being here and surrounded by people at all times is so strange to me. Everyone else seems to want to spend every moment of every day together, even when we have free time. Meanwhile, I've been content to spend my entire day off alone. I saw a movie alone and then spent the rest of the day laying in a hammock, happily lost in a book. I think the most I've spoken today has been like 2 sentences. And it has been lovely. I do love spending time with people and getting to know them, but it's exhausting after a while. I fear I may be being taken the wrong way by some of my peers. I'm not really sure there's anything to be done about that though. If I over extend myself I tend to lose my mind. And I'd rather that not happen here. I guess we'll see how it all plays out as the summer goes on. I'm probably just over thinking it and likely nobody even notices my not hanging out with them all the time.

In other news, we wrapped up our 2 weeks of staff training last night. I feel like my 2 weeks was less training and more a mad rush to get things ready, but yeah, that's over now. Tomorrow we have over 1,000 campers coming. It is going to be craziness! But I'm eager to get to work and see what life looks like when campers are actually here. There are so many unknown things in this adventure for everyone and it's going to be so cool to see God work in this amazing place.

Please be praying for campers, staff, volunteers, and just this place in general as we are about to jump into something huge!

One week down, many to go

Laying in my bunk bed, unable to sleep yet again thanks to the lovely snoring of my roommates, so I thought it'd be a good time to update everyone on life here at camp.
The summer staff as a whole has been here for a week now. It seems like so much longer already. Our days basically consist of everyone eating breakfast together and then splitting off to train on various things around camp or do various work things that need to happen before campers arrive. My team has pretty much been holed up in the coffee shop the whole week. And I'm totally ok with that. We have a really small team; just myself,  one other summer staffer, and 3 full time girls. We all work together and get along so well. We've spent many hours this week jamming out to Disney music in the coffee shop together so you know I like these people. :-)

I've done lots of really random tasks this week, from learning to make espresso shots to carrying plywood up stairs. I suppose that's camp life. I love always having things to do even if they seem random. We keep busy basically from breakfast until dinner which is great.

I'm already being shoved out of my comfort zone here though. Which is good but obviously uncomfortable for me. For one, we've all been assigned a full-time staff person as our mentor to have one on one meetings with. So not my thing, especially when someone else assigns the person to me. This week we're also the guinea pigs for the camp counselors. That means we have to have all of thosen fun little sit in a circle and talk about your feelings chats. Also not my favorite things. But this summer isn't about staying in my comfort zone so I'm doing my best to look on the bright side of both of these situations.

In other news, yesterday we got our first day off and I used it to go to Santa Fe to see X-Men with some new friends. Considering the amount of joking I did with my friends before leaving home about spending all my days off holed up in a movie theatre, I find this hilarious.

Oh, also, the weather is totes cray around here! It has rained for the past 4 days. But it is sunny most of the day then dark clouds will roll in and it will pour and hail for a bit before the sun comes out again. And it's cold. I had a hoodie on today and it's nearly June, people!

And I got my first letter out here last week. That really made me smile. So even though I have my phone and Facebook and everything...remember that letters are the bomb. Hint, hint :-)

That's all I got for ya about my first week. I love and miss all of you at home! Thanks for following along with my adventure.

Greetings from New Mexico

So I'm writing this on my phone. Because I'm in my hammock. On the side of a mountain. Typical.
Anyway, I know I've only been gone a few days but I wanted to keep y'all updated. So the 12 hour drive here was good and uneventful. I arrived Friday afternoon and was immediately in awe of the beauty of this place. The lake, the mountains, the trees, all of it is amazing! I really just wanna jump in the lake but it's kind of freezing still. Everyone I've met is super nice and I've enjoyed spending time with the whole group of summer staff. Um, let's see here...I have 3 roommates who seem pretty cool.
I'm discovering that the Campus House key words for mission trips, patience and flexibility, are going to be super important here as well. I haven't really known what's going on since I've been here which is pretty frustrating to me. I'm trying to remember that mantra of patience and flexibility to remind me that that people who need to know what's going do know and that I'll be filled in if and when I need to.
Today the summer staff all loaded up and went to church together in El Dorado. The church was really great and I loved going with all of the staff to worship together. We now have the afternoon free until cooking out all together tonight once everyone has arrived. I took the free time to enjoy some quiet time on a solo hike. I found a place to put my hammock up and now I'm just chilling out and enjoying the beauty of creation.
This place is cool. God is going to do some cool things this summer and I cannot wait.

Getting the grade

2 Days ago I entered the classroom of my friend and former teacher, Rachel Shuck. I was visiting so that she could proof read my Spanish paper as she has all of my Spanish papers for the past 4 years. And you know what? 

She told me that my writing has gotten good and that she can really see improvement. 

And right then, I decided that I could not care less about what my professor says about this paper. 

I can guarantee that he will rip it to pieces. 

But that doesn't matter. 

Because the person whose Spanish 1 class I sat in nearly 8 years ago told me that she can see my writing improving each time she reads my papers. 

And that's what matters to me. 

Because that means I'm learning. 

That means my knowledge of the language I love is ever improving.

And this pretty much sums up my feelings about grades in general. 

I sometimes say that ruining my GPA was the best thing for me because I realized that the 4.0 cumulative would ever happen again after that. Since then, I'm content to learn and d my best but not kill myself for an A.

I've been thinking about grades quite a bit lately thanks to an education class I had this semester and I'm over it. I think that grades give kids the wrong motivation in school and that they are totally overrated. 

That being said, I'm very interested to find out what other people think about this. So tell me what you think...do we need grades? Are they helpful or harmful? Why do you think this?

Can't wait to hear your thoughts!

Life isn't fair

In the past week life has decided to throw some surprises my way.

Expensive surprises.

I don't know if you know this, but I'm not sitting on a whole pile of money these days.

I spent most of yesterday bemoaning my difficult life and just how unfair it all is and freaking out about how everything would get taken care of.

It was all very woe is me and overly dramatic.

But in the moment, it made sense to me.

In the moment, all I could see was my peers who don't have to work because their parents pay for everything.

In the moment, my mind replayed over and over the struggles of growing up without a whole lot.

All I could see was how unfair it was.

All I could see was people around me who haven't had to take on any responsibilities in life or even start to grow up.

And those moments sucked.

But I've had a perspective shift in the past 24 hours for a couple of reasons.

The first being thanks to a little thing called Global Rich List.

This site lets you put in your income and it tells you where you stand in the world.

I found out that I'm in the top 5.23% of the richest people in the world.

Talk about being slapped back to sense.

94% of the world lives on less money than me.

Who am I to complain about money, ever?

The second thing that helped me change my thinking was my parents.

I realized that when they were my age, they were already raising 2 kids.

My mom worked her way through college while raising my sister on her own until my dad came into the picture. I'm barely making it through with my jobs and school, so my mom must be superwoman to have pulled this off.

And my dad, that guy. Talk about someone who worked hard to get where he is today and always provide for his family. That guy truly amazes me. And kind of makes me question the necessity of college.

Anyway, my parents didn't have it easy growing up either. We don't come from money. 

They didn't have parents who handed them everything. They've worked hard their whole lives too.

They understand.

I'm sure they looked around them at one point and were jealous of their peers who seemed to have it easier. Maybe not, I dunno.

Basically, I've learned that I have to stop looking at other people's lives.

That's not the life I've been given, but the one I have is great!

When I compare my life to the people around me, sure it looks hard sometimes.

But when I really think about it, my life looks so easy to about 94% of the world. 

Life isn't fair, and it never will be.

Comparison really will steal your joy.

Looking around isn't going to change my situation.

Being content and thankful for what I do have certainly will change how I walk through any given situation in life though.

So here's to living my life, and not wishing for someone else's.

God loves Fred Phelps

Unless you've been living under a rock somewhere, you've probably heard that the founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps, recently passed away. Some of the reactions I've seen to this have really bothered me...things like people saying that it's good that he's dead. People talking about protesting his funeral like he did to so many.

And I get that, I do.

Trust me, I have very strong feelings about Westboro and the pain they cause for so many.

But at the same time...we should probably stop to look at our own hearts when we're saying it's good that a man just died.

Who's to say that I'm any better than Fred Phelps?

No I don't protest funerals or tell people that God hates them.
But sometimes my heart is full of anger and hostility toward others.
I judge and I tear people down in my mind until my opinion of them is so low that I have no respect for them at all, even if sometimes I don't really know anything about them.

And it sucks because I know that's not a heart like Jesus'. I know that I have SO much growing still to do. But I also know that God still loves me. I believe that every time God sees those things in my heart, he yearns for me to bring them to Him because He alone can transform my heart and mind.

I think that sometimes when God looks at my heart and sees those things, He sees an erring child whom He desperately wants to help. And maybe that's what He saw when He looked at Fred Phelps, too.
I guess I'm trying to say that maybe ole Fred wasn't so different from the rest of us.

We all need Jesus, and that's that.

I'm thankful for a Father who accepts me and chose me despite my imperfections. I am thankful that He is transforming my heart and molding it into what He created it to be, day by day. I'm thankful that even when I take 2 steps back in my journey with Him, He's right there with me to lead me forward again.

I'm thankful that God loves each of us. You, me, and even Fred Phelps.

OK go!

I spent the past week in Oklahoma with Campus House on our annual spring break mission trip. It was so wonderful! We worked with an organization called Agape Lane that works with Native American churches. Basically, the churches sign up for things they need fixed and we're split up into teams to go out and work on whatever those things may be for the week.

I went on this trip last year as well. And while that was a great experience, this year was something entirely different and wonderful for me. That being said, let me tell you about it...

My work crew this year was assigned to stay at the camp and complete various projects there. We built a wall for the loft where the girls sleep, we tore out doors, we put in new doors, we put up new trim, we tore out half of a wall, we put up a new half of said wall, and a few other odds and ends. My favorite part of the work was definitely tearing things up! But then it was really cool to see those very things we destroyed make way for the new things that we were putting in. It was rewarding to see all of our hard work actually produce something. Last year, I was on a painting crew. Painting is all well and good and is needed sometimes but I felt like I did so much more this year when I actually got to be part of building new things. Plus I got to play with power tools all week. :)

I think though, this year, my favorite part of this trip was family group time. That's weird for me. But I loved it. Last year, my family group leader had to call me out specifically to get a word out of me. This year, I was the one sharing. I was eager to talk to my group about the day and loved walking through our devos with them each night. Perhaps strangest of all was when our leaders said they wanted us to share testimonies and I didn't tremble at the thought, I actually wanted to share it. And I did. That's weird. But it's awesome. And our whole group shared their stories. So I now have the privilege of knowing a few of my brothers and sisters in Christ that much better and I'm extremely thankful for that.

And as much as I wish I could tell you the week was all sunshine and rainbows and group hugs, it just wasn't. There was one day that all I wanted to do when we finished working was cry. I was tired, we had worked hard, and I mis-measured the boards we needed for our final thing that day. Awesome, ugh, not. Thank goodness I was working with a wonderful crew who didn't give me crap about messing up, but instead encouraged me and loved on me when I needed it. There were shenanigans that forced me to spend the day looking into my own heart and not liking everything I saw there. But I think that's good and it's important. We can't fix those things if we never stop to consider them.

All things considered, it was a fantastic trip! I got to work hard and serve while spending an entire week in fellowship with my brothers and sister from Campus House, which is always a blessing in and of itself.

Tear Streaked Prayers

It's hard to ignore the reality lately that we live in a fallen and broken world. It's been all around this week. Monday, my sweet little cousin, Tommie, would have turned 14 years old had she not left us in a tragic car accident 7 years ago. 

Tuesday, we all got the terrible news of precious Hailey being taken. 

And Wednesday, the heartbreak grew and the reality of Hailey's tragedy set in. 

There was news from my home town of some high school kids in a bad car wreck. 

And then news today about deep hurts within a family that is very near and dear to my heart. A family who we've lost contact with through the years but now I desperately just want to hug each of them and tell them how much they mean to me and how much I love them.

And I don't know what to do. 

I don't know how to respond besides to sit here and cry out to God as the tears stream down my face. 

All of this hurt is so big. 

It's so real. 

And I wish I could take it away. 

But I can't. 

But I know that the God who put the stars in their places and set this world into motion can. 

And He wants to. 

He wants to wrap his arms around us and let us cry on his shoulders, like any father does. 

We have to bring it to him though and hand our hurt over to him.

Honestly, words aren't enough tonight. And maybe they never really are, but I'm at a loss here. I'm surrounded by brokenness that I am absolutely powerless to fix and I hate that.

So I'll sit here and I talk to the Father.

I'll sit here and let the tears streak my face because I really don't know what else to do.

Cliff diving and other adventures...

I got a call last Friday that sent me jumping around my apartment in excitement. In fact, I haven't really stopped jumping around about it since. It is the opportunity to do something awesome. It is an opportunity that, in all honesty, I didn't think I would actually get. But I did.

And now I'm staring at this big, unknown adventure.
It kind of like I'm about to dive off a cliff with no idea where I'll land.
Once upon a time this would have scared me. I wouldn't have even been brave enough to dream of it being possible.

I guess there are still things that scare me. Mostly about how real life is going to happen and I will return to being a responsible adult after this adventure. It occurred to me tonight that I only have one year left in school and then I'm supposed to be on to the "real world" doing "grown-up" things. I know what I want to do, but I don't know how to make that happen. And it's hard to keep those things from affecting the now. It's hard to keep them from clouding my excitement about this opportunity.

Wouldn't it be easier to stay where I am?
Wouldn't it be safer to do what I know?
Wouldn't it be more responsible to save and save to ensure an easier and more secure future?

Yes. The answer to all of those is yes, I know it is.

But I don't want easy.
I don't want safe.
And to a degree, I don't want "responsible."

I want radical.
I want world changing.
I want such unshakable trust in the Lord that I will walk into anything He has for me.
I want to stand on the edge of those cliffs and know that jumping doesn't mean I'm falling into the unknown; it means I'm jumping into the arms of the Father.

Where I'm going to land: Glorieta, New Mexico

Being in America is weird...

I've been back from Nicaragua for just over a week now. It was a phenomenal trip. But coming back this year has been harder to process than last year.

Honestly, being in the states brings a steady stream of frustrations for me.

For example...I wait tables on the weekends. I make more in tips in one day than it costs to send a kid to school for an entire year at one of the schools we worked at. Why is that a reality?!? Why are there kids who can't go to school when people can hand me outlandish amounts of money just for bringing them cashew chicken? I literally do not understand this.

Why do I get to sit here on my big comfortable bed, in my nice comfortable apartment while there's a family in Tipitapa huddled together in one bed tonight because they only have one mosquito net in their home that's just one room? 

Why do I complain about my homework when most of the world will never even get the chance to go to school?

Why am I stashing money away in a savings account when there are children starving all over the world and even right in my own city?

What did I ever do to deserve the blessing that is simply being born in the richest country in the world?

Nothing. I don't deserve this. None of us do.

But that's how it is.

 

So do we just go on living it up as rich Americans and occasionally saying thanks to God for having so richly blessed us?

I REALLY don't think so. And I really think we've gotten it largely wrong so far.

I know that we've been so blessed because we have a mission in this world. Those are our brothers and sisters out there in the world and they need our love. Sometimes showing love means sharing our the abundant resources that God has placed in our care.  

Poverty, hunger, homelessness, human trafficking, and every other ill in this world are not nameless faceless issues. They are full of faces of people who need our love. People who have stories just like you and I do. My hearts aches for them. My soul yearns to be sitting side by side with them, living this life, fighting its battles, and praising God together.

But right now I'm here. Right now I'm trying not to get frustrated with the world around me as it spins on, largely unaware of what I've seen and the people I've met and grown to love. Right now I'm in America, and it's weird.

Nicaragua 2014

A bit more than a year ago, I first entertained the idea of MAYBE going to Nicaragua.....but I was scared. That's when a very wise friend of mine gave me some of the best advice I've ever gotten, "It scares you? You know what that means, right? It means you HAVE to do it."

When applications for the trip came out this year, I wanted nothing more than to return to the place that I had so grown to love, the place that I'd thought and prayed about almost daily since I first left it.

And thanks to God placing in my life some amazing churches and individuals who partnered with me, I was able to end 2013 the same way I began it; watching fireworks and burning scarecrows through the gate of Pequeño Benjamin. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Our first day at Pequeño Benjamin didn't go quite as planned. Seeing as it was New Year's day and it poured down rain that morning, we had no kids around. So Alexandra, the director of the school, told us she had some classrooms that could use painting. We set to work right away by taking everything off the walls, spraying them with water, and scrubbing them down to get them ready for fresh paint. After all of this we got the chance to sit down and talk with Marcus, the missionary we work with in Nicaragua, and hear about his vision and why he does what he does. He's a really cool guy and he's doing lots of big things for God!

After listening to Marcus, some of the older kids ( ages11-15 or so) from the school came to start work on a drama that Blake had written for them. Being that age of kids, I think we were all worried they would hate it...but they really got into, even on the first day, which was so fun to see.

After everyone had gotten to experience their first bucket showers, our team spent the evening eating dinner, worshiping, and talking together. All in all, it was a great start to the trip!

 Day 2 was much like the first with the exception that the kids actually showed up :). We kicked off with some fun VBS type songs and a short devo before the boys took off for the soccer field. Those of us not playing soccer spent the morning coloring, making bracelets, playing jump rope, and just generally hanging out with the kiddos. After our lunch break it was back to work on the classrooms that we now had paint for. I, and some others, spent the rest of the day painting away while some people worked on the drama and others went with Pedro to help out with moving some stuff at the farm. We wrapped up our day in our usual style, dinner as a team and later some worship and a devo...my devo, which I was kind of freaking out about before hand. But I think it went well.

I don't want to bore you with repetition so let's just say ditto for day 3. That night was different because we got to do home stays. Courtney and I were welcomed into the home of a single mother and her two kids.They shared their photo albums with us and told us all about their lives then took us on a short walk around Tipitapa before heading back to the house. Their home was literally just one big room for everything and still they welcomed us, complete strangers, in and shared all they had with us. That kind of thing really gets to you, let me tell ya. 

Saturday was our 4th day in the country and our first time to venture past the walls of the school. We headed out to Marcus' farm to clean up the storage area and get it ready for the next shipment that he was waiting on from the states. We also cleaned up all the trash that was around the farm while we were there. That day we finally finished up the painting work! And those classrooms looked totally new and amazing, if I do say so myself. That evening, the kids in the drama met us at school to walk to church for the youth service. As we set out, I noticed that the boys from the school spread out and were walking in a sort of circle around us. Alexandra told me that the boys had said they were going to protect us as we walked. The kids did their drama and it was amazing! We got to worship in Spanish which was also so great. When the time came to head back to the school, the boys again volunteered to walk with us. They led the way and stood on each side, making sure we were safe. Seeing them do that really touched my heart.

Sunday we got up bright and early to head off to Granada for the day. We got to go to a church service that was in both English and Spanish. We walked around Granada and went to a burger joint for lunch, which really made the team happy. Later that day we went to Masaya for shopping at the market and to see the volcano. We didn't get too close to the volcano because there was too much activity, it was still cool though. We finished off our day with what else but Papa John's for dinner before heading back to school.

On Monday, we got to head to San Benito to the school where Valerie worked for 6 months. It was way different than Tipitapa. The houses are smaller and look more like shacks. The school is newer so it's still small and being developed. The kids, we were told, spend most of their days fending for themselves because their parents often get on the bus really early to go to work in Managua. Monday is also the day I began feeling ill. It was terrible because I felt totally useless all day, which I really hated. Still, I enjoyed seeing a new place and meeting new kids as well as the teachers at the school in San Benito.

Tuesday was also spent in San Benito, where we were hosting a soccer tournament. We also played jump rope and things with the kids who weren't playing soccer. Our afternoon work projects in San Benito consisted of the boys helping put up a concrete fence and us girls working on scraping walls so they could be repainted. I was still not feeling great on Tuesday and spent some of the morning napping in the truck before we could get medicine in town at lunch time. I was so worn out from not feeling good that I slept straight through our evening devo time and didn't wake up until the next day.

Wednesday was much the same. We wrapped up the soccer tourney and then headed out to the farm to help Marcus with one last project. The project was bringing big bundles of cornstalks in from the field. We even got to ride on top of the cornstalks after they were piled up on the trailer.

And that was it. We cleaned up Pequeño Benjamin and headed off to Managua to stay the night before leaving the next morning. While in Managua we got to eat dinner at the house where Valerie lived and we got to here stories from many of our Nicaraguan brothers and sisters. It was a wonderful night filled with laughter and love like you'd find at your typical family dinner.

Despite the fact that my stomach started hating me halfway through this trip, it was a truly amazing experience. I'm still in awe of the fact that God has let me go love on these amazing people 2 times now. My eyes have been opened up wide to this great big family we have in Christ. My heart longs to meet my brothers and sisters all over the world and get the chance to love on them and spend time with them and hear their stories. I want all of my days to feel like my days in Nicaragua, like I'm waking up with purpose and have a job to get done that is about more than me. I've realized that I wasn't born into the richest country in the world by pure luck. God wants me to do something with that blessing. And looking into the future, I can see it. I can see myself all over the world helping my brothers and sisters and loving them because God loves them and we're family in the grand scheme of things. And that makes me so ready to go, so ready to chaseafter these dreams, so ready to be His hands and feet in this world.

If you've read all the way to here, thanks! Sorry it was long...I tried to condense, but there's lots of greatness to share :) If you want to hear more or have questions about my trip, hit me up some time.