'Tis the Season

I love Christmas.
I love the lights.
I love the decorations.
I love the music.
I love the movies.
I love Christmas cookies.
I love the sound of bells.
I love spending time with loved ones.

But this year, as with most before, I look around and I don't like what I see.
Because what I see is not a picture of cheer and love and hope and faith and togetherness.

What I see is greed.
What I see is excess.
What I see focuses more on what's beneath the tree than it does who's sitting around it.
What I see is kids learning that the list they write to Santa is what Christmas is all about.

I was recently in a conversation about Christmas shopping that led to me talking about why I hate Christmas shopping. I hate it because in most cases it exemplifies everything that is wrong with this season. We give each other lists of things that we don't actually need. We spend money on trivial things that the people we buy them for people could buy themselves.
Does your kid need that $500 Xbox?
Do you need that iphone 5s or whatever you're asking for?
No matter what it is, in most cases, if we really needed it we would buy it for ourselves. If we wanted it bad enough, we'd buy it ourselves. 

So why do we spend so much money on people that already have so much?

How much of a difference could we make in our own community and the world if we took all of that money and spent it people who actually might need it? How many kids out there would know they are loved and that there are good people in this world if they got even just  a small gift? How many families need something to eat this year? How many people don't even have a coat to keep them warm this winter?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I handle Christmas perfectly either. I made my Christmas list when I was asked to. But now I'm wishing I hadn't. I'm wishing I'd asked for the money that was going to be spent on buying me things to go toward adopting a kid for Christmas instead. Or to a million other places besides into things. Things that I don't need.

I am of the belief that nothing in this world really belongs to us anyway. It belongs to the One who created it all, we are just stewards. We are just the hands to do His work according to His purpose. What better time than when we're celebrating the birth of our Savior to reach out and show His love by focusing on others?

So my challenge to you, and for myself, is to make it more. Make Christmas a time for love, hope, cheer, togetherness. Find out what you can do to make the world a little bit better and do it, all the time. Let this Christmas be a kick starter for a lifetime of doing more for others than for you. 
'Tis the season, so let's make it count.

Lessons Learned

"And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned." 

(Carrie Underwood- Lessons Learned)

I may have had a bit of a break down last week...ok, maybe it was more than a bit of one. It was a full blown melt down. 

I decided I was finished with people.

I was over trying to be part of a community that I didn't feel wanted me.

I was through trying to show love to people who didn't love me back.

I was done caring for people who didn't seem to care about me.

It hurt. 

And I was tired of being hurt.

I was tired of being let down over and over again.

So I decided to walk away from everyone who I felt didn't care. After all, they didn't care about me anyway, right?

I spent the past week doing everything I could to not be around people. 

And I was successful. And people didn't chase after me.

And I was happy.

It didn't take long though for me to realize how very selfish that was. I'm called to love. I'm called to love when I don't want to. I'm called to love those who may not always love me or make me feel loved. I'm called to love when it isn't easy.

And I cannot do that in solitude. 

It took honest conversation and soul searching to realize that my expectations for people are entirely too high. I want them to show me love the way that I show people love and the way I think they ought to. But I never tell them that so who am I to say they don't care? I can't.

I realized that the problem lies with me and that walking away from people all together could never fix me and my heart.

And maybe all of this was God sending me a wake up call. Maybe he was telling me that I wasn't loving people because I REALLY loved them....but because I wanted to feel loved in return. As much as I hate to admit it, that's probably the case. And I needed to learn that. It needed fixed.

Needless to say, this wasn't an easy lesson to learn. It was painful. It was confusing. And, quite frankly, it sucked. But it needed to happen and maybe if it hadn't hurt, I wouldn't have listened.

Looking back on my life so far, I can see other times like this in my past. Painful moments that have become some of the most beautiful and cherished memories because they mark a turning point. They are lessons that I took to heart and let change me for the better.

They are times that God woke me up to something I wasn't seeing.

And I am forever grateful for them. 

Despite the tears.

Despite the frustration.

Despite the anger.

Despite the confusion.

God is still teaching me. And sometimes I don't like those lessons in the moment, but I'm thankful God loves me so much that He is willing to teach me. 

He teaches me when I'm reluctant to learn. 

He teaches me when I'm hostile to the lesson.

He patiently teaches me even when I think I have it all figured out.

Keep learning, dear friends. Sit at the feet of the Father and soak up all He wants to teach you.

A call to action...

You may or may not know that I sponsor youth group activities at my church. I love those kids! Nearly every Sunday night, I am afforded the opportunity of hanging out with the junior high girls small group. And while it sometimes feels like herding cats, I love it. Those girls are so great! My time with them has led me to have some interesting conversations lately...one being focused on prayer.
I noticed that when the time rolled around each week for prayer requests I would inevitably hear things like, "I really wanna make the cheer squad" or, "Well I have a really low grade in this class...." and I started to get frustrated after hearing this over and over. On some level, I realize that these are just 6-8th grade kids, but still...anyway, I was discussing this recently with one of our campus ministers. She said something along the lines of, "Yeah, but don't you see the same thing around here? In your small groups and whatnot?"
It's so true. So many times, our prayers requests are things like the stress level of school, or how many tests we have, or money or what have you. This frustrates me to no end. I'm not perfect, I'm sure I've made my share of silly prayer requests...but there's a point.
There's a point where you've got to get up off your praying knees and get to work. Harsh? Oh well.
If you're stressed about school maybe you need to study more and work harder...sure, tell God about it, he wants to hear about everything in our lives. But don't expect test answers to magically fall from Heaven or your stress level to lessen if you aren't going to make some changes.
If money is your problem, maybe you need to manage yours better or work more. You can't just sit there and pray for financial blessing and think you're good. God's not going to make it rain hundreds just because you whine about your student loan debt.
I wholeheartedly believe that we are God's hands in this world, and if the hands don't get to work nothing will ever get accomplished.
My small group is currently walking through the book of Ruth and in doing my Bible study today, I found something that related perfectly...basically the author of our study was pointing out that Ruth went to work in the fields and just so happened to end up in Boaz's field. Moral of that story? If Ruth hadn't been willing to go to work and get things done, her story wouldn't have been the same.
I think I can somewhat relate to this in my own life at the moment...at the end of this summer I decided that my next summer will be doing something big, something that matters. I'm still not sure what that'll be though, there is so much I want to do/ could possibly do. I've prayed about it, I've told God that I'm open to wherever He calls me. Have I had a divine revelation about where I'm supposed to go? Nope. But you know I did last week? I applied to work at camp next summer.
Would I love to be there? Absolutely!
Do I think God is calling me there? Eh...I dunno.
I am, however, certain that if that's not where I'm meant to be, that door will be closed. Sometimes, when we're not sure which way God wants us to go, we have to do our best to follow His will as we know it, then take action. If we're in the wrong place, I'm quite certain God will make it known to us in big ways and we can go from there. I think that if we're truly focused on doing God's will and making things happen for the Kingdom, God will direct our steps and use us in big ways, even if they aren't what we expected.

So basically, I hope that all of us will remember 2 things:

• God is not our cosmic genie, there to grant our wishes.
• Sometimes, we have to be people of action, willing to take that first step out in faith to make things happen.

So hit your knees and talk to God. But then get up and get to work for the Kingdom.

To Write Love On My Arms

A week ago, I let people who mean a whole lot to me, literally write love on my arm, for forever. And I told you I based the idea off of To Write Love On Her Arms...but maybe you don't know much about this organization. And I'm quite certain you don't know why I'm passionate about it.

I've struggled with depression since I was 15 years old. At first, it manifested itself physically in terrible terrible headaches that couldn't be explained with any amount of testing, insomnia, and a total lack of motivation to do anything besides lay in bed.
Then they sent me to a counselor...I told her she was wrong.
Then they sent me to another doctor, who I also told he was wrong.

I fought them because I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want that stigma attached to me.
I didn't want people to treat me differently. 

Eventually, I realized they were right and I was tired of feeling the way I did so I started looking for ways to deal with depression without medicine. I am still rather opposed to ever being medicated, the short while that I was was awful and I was a total zombie. Anyway, I eventually came out of it and thought I was good forever...until it came back. It came back without warning and stole my light. It stole everything beautiful and wonderful in the world until all I felt was hurt.

I tried to hide from it, to mask the pain, to not feel anything at all. And I usually succeeded in the not feeling anything department. But that only lasts for so long. The hangover shows up and the warm fuzzies wear off. So I'd do it all over again. Over and over and over always trying to squash the pain in my heart. 

Then one day, it all changed.

One day I took a leap of faith.

I asked for help.

I let someone in.

I let someone love me even though I didn't feel like I deserved it.

That's when I got my life back.

That's when I realized that hope is real and rescue is real.

Unfortunately, I've since learned that this struggle isn't one that plans to leave me alone. It still pops in from time to time and hits me like a semi truck. It happens for no reason at all and I have no power to stop it even though I wish I did. Those times are hard. They present me with a daily, hourly, by the minute battle. But I will always fight because I've learned that things can be beautiful and full of light again.

I've learned not to be silent about it. I've learned to let people in. I've learned to let people love me. I've learned how much God loves me. 

Many times I need to be reminded of that and need to be told that I matter.

But it gets better.

I know when it's happening now.

I know better how to deal with it.

I know how not to "deal" with it.

I know that even when I'm at the lowest of lows, I'll eventually pull back out of it.

I know that people care.

I know that love is real and it is powerful

So, now I have love written on my arm. And some day, maybe not far down the road or maybe years from now, I'll need it. I'll need to look at it and remember the good times and good people. I'll need to remember the ones who cared when no one else did, the ones who listened, the ones who were there.

But most of all, I need to remember that there might be people in my life who are hurting, who may be afraid to speak up, and who need me to write love on their arms. To let them know they matter and that someone cares.

In case you're wondering why I decided to share this...well I don't know really. I guess I kind of had 2 goals in mind...1 being that I wanted to put a face and a story to this thing that so many people deal with but no one really understands. I want people to know that someone they love might be fighting and might need love. And that if you happen to be reading this and you relate, I want you to know you aren't alone.
My other goal is a bit more selfish in that I wanted to take away the power that depression held over me for so long. Trying to fight it alone and hide it and be "normal" consumed my thinking. Always wondering if someone might have figured me out and if they thought I was crazy. Putting it out there on my own is my little way of letting you in, of realizing I have nothing to hide.
Love is real. Hope is real. Rescue is real.

Nicaragua

A year or so ago I was sitting at Tuesday night 8:01 when an announcement was made about a Christmas break mission trip to Nicaragua...and I thought it would be kind of cool but dismissed it. I mean, I didn't really know these people or anything and I 'd never been on a mission trip before so I probably wasn't the person for this trip. But then for the next few weeks, they kept making the same announcement that they had a few more spots...and I couldn't get it off my mind. So I prayed about it and took the leap.
Then on that snowy New Year's Eve as we all sat around in the Springfield airport, I realized I still didn't know these people I was about to spend 12 days with and I was so scared that it wouldn't go well. We settled in to our home for the trip, a school in Tipitapa, that night and set to work first thing the next morning. After a long day of work, we sat around and worshiped together and had a devotional time together and discussed the day.
The best part came the next morning when the kiddos arrived at the school for VBS...

We played games, taught VBS, and did a craft with these amazing, sweet children who are so full of love! It was so great and the 3 days spent doing that were simply perfect. The end of VBS was sad for me as I didn't know what the kids were going home to or who would take the time to spend with them and show them that they're so loved.

Fortunately, the trip didn't end there! We had the chance to do 2 more days of VBS in other towns. One was called Tule, it is a very small, very poor, community way up off the beaten path and we were the first group of visitors ever to go there.

One thing that struck me about this town were words from their pastor who told us that they TRY to feed the kids every day but they always make sure they're fed on Sundays...it was absolutely heart wrenching. Not to mention that we later found out that these people had really wanted to cook a meal for us...they have nothing, but they wanted to give what they do have to us. The entire community packed into their tiny church for VBS with some of the older men crowding around the windows just to see inside.

After that we played the biggest game of duck, duck, goose I've ever seen. It was so fun seeing an entire community laughing and cheering over a children's game!

Tule was amazing! Truly a lesson in relying solely on God and about how much joy you can have even when you don't have anything else.

Our other VBS experience happened in a town called Masaya.

There, had lots of time to play games with the kids during the day before attending a youth service at their church that evening. During the service, on of the most memorable moments of my life happened; some of our team were leading a few songs and they started singing Revelation Song, after maybe 2 lines our Nicaraguan brothers and sisters picked up the same song in Spanish. So we had a church full of people all singing the same praises at the same time, in both Spanish and English and it really hit me how big the family of Christ is! Amazing!

Our last day in Nicaragua was spent doing various work projects at the home base for our partner missionary and wrapping up all the we had experienced.

It was such an amazing trip and really pounded home my love for this world and all of the amazing people God has put in it. I learned to trust...I went into the trip scared and not sure about it. I came home with a whole new group of family! And now I'm getting ready to return. The team is different and the experience promises to be different but I cannot wait. I look forward to what God has to show me there, bonding with our team, and wrapping my arms around all of my Nicaraguan brothers and sisters that I've missed so dearly since we left!
So, talk to me if you'd like to partner with me and CCH in this amazing trip, your prayers or support would be greatly appreciated!

Too Cool for School

I don't love studying.

I hate studying.

I like learning.

Learning is beautiful.

-Natalie Portman

I contemplated this today while I was last minute skimming over my educational psych stuff before our first test this morning. I love this quote as it encompasses my feelings about college almost perfectly. 

When I look through the course list for Missouri State, I want to take everything. I want to learn all of the history of everywhere, be at least able to hold a conversation in a whole host of languages, I want to learn about cultures and what the rest of this big old round world is like, I want to take photography and video classes, I want to write and read and learn everything this hub of knowledge has to offer. But that's not how we see college, is it? We see as the means to an end. A ticket to a job that we might not even really want. A piece of paper entitling us to a bigger paycheck. We are supposed to get in and get out and be big kids as fast as we can.

I'm asked, at the very least, once a week how much longer I'll be in school...and I hate that question. I don't know. It really depends how many more times I'm distracted by the draw of learning something that's not part of my degree like when I took French or my Comparative Mythology class. Were they necessary? Nope. Did I study for those classes? Nope. Did I learn new things and love them. YES!

The other thing that absolutely kills school for me are the professors that take what might be awesome learning and turn it into drudgery. Like my edu psych professor who told us to be studying 9 hours a week outside of class...yeah, right. I'm going to take your class, take the tests, and never bother to think about it again. If a professor isn't excited enough to find resources other than the book, why should I be?

Sure, I could read books about anything and everything on my own, but how much more will I learn and how many more questions can be answered if I have a professor who is, theoretically, an expert on a given subject teaching me? 

Let's not forget the fact that my major classes are a colossal waste of time. Yes, Spanish literature is awesome. But let me discover that on my own. Let me go out in the world and start doing something that matters with what I know. Let me perfect my language skills in a place where I have to use them, mess them up, and test them out on my own. Don't make me sit through a class on business Spanish which will bore me to death.

 Blah, where was this originally headed? I dunno. Maybe it was just me ranting. Ask me how school is and I'll tell you it's school. I'm tired of it. I wanna be learning all the things, even those not in my major, or be out and about really experiencing this world and learning from the real world.

Do Everything

Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you, 
Cause he made you, 
To do
Every little thing that you do 
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do

Just over 7 months ago on my first day in Nicaragua, these lyrics kept repeating themselves in my brain. It was a hot day and I was spending it picking up trash at the farm of the missionary we were working with...not exactly how I'd pictured my first mission trip. Throughout that week though, God used that to change my heart. That day in particular, I realized that even though it wasn't fun, those tasks our team helped with on our first day helped to free up Marcus' time so he could be out ministering to and loving the people of Nicaragua. 

When I put it in perspective and realized that I was doing what I was doing for God, picking up trash didn't seem so bad...I wasn't just helping out Marcus, I was cleaning up a farm that belongs to God.

When it was my turn to do a devotion for the group that week, I talked about this. I talked about how it's easier to have this "do everything for God" mentality when you're in a foreign country specifically to do kingdom work. But what about when we got back home? Would I find a way to make my jobs show glory to God? How do I make waiting tables and taking care of kids something more, something that honors God?

This is something that I've been thinking about for a long while now and maybe I still don't have it right, but I'm trying each and every day. Maybe it means not getting angry with a table for leaving me a bad tip, maybe it's going out of the way to help a co-worker, maybe it's laying down my pride and apologizing to a co-worker for something I said when I was stressed out, maybe it's loving on a foster kid at the daycare even if they drive me crazy. I'm sure I could make this list go on and on if I really thought about it. While there are so many ways to show God the glory in our every day lives, I think it's important that our self centered human nature doesn't always want to do that and sometimes it's hard.

In those times, it's important to remember why we want God's light to shine through us...we want everyone to know that love and joy and hope...it's not about us. For me, it usually takes tripping up and doing something that might not bring glory to God before I take a step back and try again. For example, last night a work everything was falling to pieces and I was stressed out because things weren't perfect and I couldn't fix all of them...I began to get grumpy with my tables and my co-workers and I wasn't very loving. So in the midst of all the craziness I said a prayer, "God, I can't do this on my own, I need your help to be patient and kind and understanding. I don't want to be this way, I want Your light to shine through me." And it all turned around right there, God calmed me and helped me through the rest of my night.

So, I want to challenge you today, look to an area of your life where you might not think about it being something you do for God...and make it something you do for God. Anything can be kingdom work if we have willing workers.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:31)

Story Time!

I love testimonies!
There's just something about hearing someone excitedly tell you how God has changed their life that sends chills up my spine every time. Testimony has power. It's something tangible that we can point to and say, "Why do I know that God is real and loves me like His own child? Because He cares so much for me that He took the dirty rotten mess I'd made of my life and turned it into something beautiful!" That touches people in a way that I think scripture sometimes can't, if they can know that someone else has been where they've been and made it through to something infinitely better then they can know that with God there's hope even in the hopeless.
That being said...I don't share my testimony. People don't know my story. Often times in small group or something, a question will arise that I can easily relate to my life...but I sit by silently because I don't want the people in that room to judge me.
Thinking about that now, I realize how terribly selfish that is of me...what if someone in that room is in the same place I've come from and they need to know that they can make it through? What if they need to know that there's someone who's been there that they can confide in?
It was a long while before someone said to me, "Hey, I've been there before and I'm here for you now to help you see the way out." And while I really wish that day had come sooner, I know it all played out exactly how it had to. I wouldn't be the same person now if not for the person I once was.
The reality is that I'm different, I know that. Some part of me feels like other people may want to associate me with my old self if they know about it though...mainly because some that were around to know that version of me still associate me with it even though I'm not the same.
It's one of those things that keeps tripping me up because I am constantly comparing myself to others saying, "Well, my sin was/ is waaaaaay worse than so and so, everyone will think I'm awful if they know!" or a whole variety of other things to scare myself out of sharing. There's that part of me has trouble remembering that it's all forgiven...that God doesn't even see all of that junk anymore,so why should I?
I am infinitely grateful for those people in my life who have had the courage to look me in the eye and tell me their stories! They have taught me so much about being real with people and how that plays out and what a beautiful thing it is.
Soooo, I think what I'm going for here is the idea that we should really all share our stories more. Let us not be silent because there is power in talking about that past as something God helped you to overcome rather than working to hide it and letting it still have control of us in that way. Not to mention how much accountability you create for yourself by letting people know what things you may be susceptible to slipping back to.
Someone out there needs to hear your story and you never know who that might be.

Inked

  So in May of 2012, I decided to get my first tattoo...and I thought long and hard before getting it...and then I thought long and hard about what I would get. I didn't want to get something I would ever regret. I wanted it to be meaningful and real...and now I have lots and lots. But people don't see most of them often so I thought I'd share...Also, most of my work has been done by Trever Collins, owner of Trever Collins Tattoo Company in Nixa, MO. Some have been done by his (now former) apprentice, Jess Holliday, I'll let ya know which ones she did.
Here's tat numero uno:

Why these words and why together you may ask...or you may not because I've learned that people just stare and never really ask (rude!). Let me just tell you :) Ephesians 2:10 is my most favorite verse and it says, "For we are God's masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works that were planned long ago." I picked the word fearless to go with this because this verse always reminds me that I never have to fear inadequacy because I am the MASTERPIECE of the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE...and that's pretty powerful stuff! And also that I shouldn't fear the future because God's already got good works lined up for me to do.

Tattoo numero dos:

This one has a couple of different meanings for me. Remember the LIVESTRONG bracelets that everyone and their mom used to wear? Well the livestrong foundation is dedicated to cancer research so this tattoo is partly for my grandparents as my grandmother is a cancer survivor and my grandpa spent 2 years battling brain and lung cancers which eventually took him from us. Also, this one is a daily reminder to give life all I've  got every day because things don't come easily in this world, life takes hard work and dedication.

Numero tres: 

I think this is pretty self explanatory :)

Numero cuatro:

So this is the big one and I spent lots of time figuring this one out for sure. I had a friend of mine draw it up and am so happy with how it turned out! So, this here is a lotus flower...the lotus flower grows up from the muddy depths of a river or pond or what-have-you and then blooms above the water surface. The symbolism here is both of a new beginning and also growing out of maybe not the best circumstances both of which were huge factors in my selection of the lotus flower. The words in the middle say, "Be the change" from the Gandhi quote, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." 

5:

Isaiah 6:8...I got this upon returning home from my first mission trip to Nicaragua...it was then that I was really sure that I want to go wherever God may have me go to share His love and keep growing the family of Christ.

6 and 7:

Captain America and Batman with the words 'Heroes Exist'...not only are these my favorite super heroes, they're awesome. Before Cap became a super soldier, he was just a regular guy who wanted to do good and help his country, nothing special or unusual...just a good guy who wanted to help. Batman, besides being filthy rich, also has no powers. He just wanted to get rid of all the bad guys so he trained and worked hard to make himself into a crime fighting machine. This tattoo not only reminds me about my real life heroes, who are just regular people, and how much they mean to me but it also reminds me that I can be someone's hero too. Just because I'm nothing special doesn't mean I can't do big things to help people in this world.

Number 8: This love one is so special to me! Each letter was drawn by a different person and has its own special significance. I got the idea based of To Write Love On Her Arms and then decided to make it literal by letting people who have figuratively written love on my arms do so literally. It's reminds me that even when I don't feel lovable, there are people who love me. Even when I try my best to push them away and even when I'm hard to love, they're right there next to me loving me through it. 

L: From the one who taught me that it doesn't matter what people think of you. If you love something, love it and be excited about it. 

O: From the one who has been there through so much and taught me to see the beauty in even the smallest things.

V: From the one who reminded me that I have a voice and I have a story and that people really do care.

E: From the one who taught me about being real with people. And showed me that I'm not always in alone in things I think people don't understand.

Number 9: My world map with the word allons-y across it :)

The map comes from my love of travelling and experiencing other cultures and meeting new people all over this world. Allons-y is my sneaky little geeky tribute to Doctor Who, as it's the 10th Doctor's catchphrase. But it happens to fit perfectly seeing as it means "Let's go" in French and I am so ready to go and explore the world!

10: 

Beauty and the Beast!! Right outer calf.

11: 

This beauty is a work in progress. We're 3 sessions and 13 hours in and nowhere near finished. Can't wait to see the finished product, which will cover my entire left thigh.

12: 

This one was done by Jess. I think it's fairly self explanatory. It's a good reminder to myself on my rougher days of battling mental illness. Left inner forearm where I can see it easily and often.

13. 

Another Jess tattoo. This is Elvish, like Lord of the Rings, Elvish. In Two Towers, Frodo asks Sam why they're still trying. Sam replies, "There's some good in the world, Mr. Frodo and it's worth fighting for." I got this from that statement and it says, "It's worth fighting for." Another good reminder for myself on rough days. Left outer forearm.

14 and 15. 

More tattoos by Jess! Love my watercolor deathly hallows. Harry Potter nerd for life! Perks of Being a Wallflower is my favorite book ever and the only one I've read over and over because it never gets old. Might add some more to this one soon.

16. 

We'll see you tomorrow was To Write Love on Her Arms' theme for World Suicide prevention day 2015. The idea of tomorrow and just holding on for one more day at a time when it gets hard to stay alive really resonates with me and my ongoing fight with my own brain.

17. 
I know we've already talked about this special piece, but it was made even more special when I added the semicolon. Semicolon project is the idea that the story isn't over. A writer could have chosen to end a sentence, but instead paused with a semicolon and then continued. Much like I have to remember to pause when I want my story to end and choose to keep going instead. Left inner arm, right above the "ditch"

18. 
I'm on the right. More Harry Potter here. Bestie is on the left. Back of my left shoulder.

19.

Here's some more work from Jess. It's a hobbit hole door, because I'm such a giant nerd. Jess did this piece while she was still an apprentice which I think is beyond amazing. I love the color in this one.Right inner forearm.

20.

Galaxy Peter Pan! This was the beginning of a much more intricate Disney piece. Wraps around outside of left calf.

21.

So, I took the Peter Pan piece and had Trever turn it into a Disney mash up, hopefully one day it will be a Disney leg sleeve. Represented here is Little Mermaid, Brave, and Tangled. This is an in progress shot, there's a bit more to it now, it's just super hard to take a picture of myself. lol Outside/ back of left calf.

Ok, that's the update for the moment, I have several more to add, but I need to snap a few pictures first.

Do Something Awesome

It's summer...and for me that basically means that I work, lounge around my apartment, and spend time with friends. Which is all fine and good...but it all feels so pointless. I have friends who are doing really cool things like being half way around the world teaching English or working at camp all summer...and I'm just here. The week that I did spend at camp was fantastic and felt like it had purpose to it. Getting up every day and going to work has literally one purpose, to pay bills. I just feel like I could be doing so much more.
So here's the thing, my lease will be up at the end of May next year and I theoretically could wait to sign a new one until school started up again in the fall, leaving me rent free for the whole summer...so I would have all of next summer free to do something awesome. The thing is that I don't know what I want to do!
So I need some help here from you lovely people that care enough to read my ramblings...what awesome thing should I do with summer 2014?!? I mean, I'd love to be the one on the other side of the world teaching English or hanging out with kids all summer at camp or even just living somewhere else for a summer and getting the chance to be part of other people's lives for a little while. I want to be serving somewhere and not just when work allows me to, I want to dedicate all of my time, at least for the whole summer to something of importance.
 I want to start thinking about it now so I really have time to figure out  what I want to do/ how I'll make it work. So, really, I'd like your input, people! What ideas do you have? Do you know people that you could put me in touch with such as missionaries or anyone else who might have something awesome for me to do? Have you ever just taken off and done something like this, if so, what? Would I enjoy doing what you did?
I'll be collecting ideas for a while and hopefully going to ICOM (international conference on missions) later this year to meet people/ get more ideas of what I could do. If you think of something, please let me know! Really, I'm excited about the world of possibility here, help me out!

The elephant in the room...

I probably shouldn't touch this one with a 10 foot pole...but I want to. It's something that my gut tells me need to be talked about, to be dealt with...to change. So today, as I'm sure we all know, the supreme court made a huge decision. The supreme court threw out DOMA and prop 8, effectively lifting any bans on same sex marriages. And this doesn't affect me in any way so I heard the news and went on about my business until I saw the following post pop up on my news feed:

"Leviticus 20:13 "If a man also lies with a man, as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them" That's what my bible says and that is what I believe, that's my opinion like it or lump it... I do not believe that gay marriage should be allowed"

And let me just tell you that I had so much trouble not commenting on that status! My brain went crazy with all the things I wanted to say and I managed to scroll on...but now I feel like they need to be said.

Once upon a time, some people felt like the Church of England was oppressing them and making them practice things they didn't necessarily believe in, so they decided to leave. Hopefully you know the rest of the story about them founding this amazing country where we have religious FREEDOM. And while those founders were indeed Christians...they didn't want to force it on anyone because they knew what that felt like (I mean, I assume that's why...I wasn't there). So somewhere along the line, someone decided that our government and the church needed to be 2 separate entities to prevent the country from oppressing anyone of a different faith.

Do you understand how cool this is?!? For a long time, I didn't think the separation of church and state was a good thing...but now I know differently. Just take a minute to think about what it would be like if the church and state weren't separate and some extremist group of a made up religion came into power. What if they suddenly started making laws for everyone based solely on what their holy book and their god said? I wouldn't like it and I'm willing to wager that you wouldn't either.

So with that knowledge, why are we trying so hard to govern our country by the Bible?!? Yes, I believe what the Bible says and that we should follow it. But I do not believe it is our place to force other people to do so. If we wanna govern this country by the Bible, we best get busy passing laws to ban all sins...let's get some tighter divorce laws up in here, better find a way to ban anger and jealousy, too. While we're at it, let's try to ban drunkenness again...it worked so well last time. Don't forget about gluttony, sloth, and envy. The list goes on, kids. Man, how are we ever going to stop all of those sinners out there from doing these things...Oh, but when we include all of those things we're all bound to have fingers pointing right back at us because we're all sinners. So, let's not try to stop them, I mean, those sins aren't as bad...right? (Ugh *eye roll*) 

Can we also address the nonsense people like to spew about marriage equality "destroying the sanctity of marriage" because, really? Last time I checked, the laws put in place by the United States government had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the laws set up by God...so how exactly is the sanctity of marriage being destroyed by a gay couple who simply wants to the same legal rights as a straight couple? A marriage that puts God in the center and that works to glorify Him shouldn't be affected by the marriage of anyone else...and if it is, I think that couple probably needs to refocus their marriage a bit and look within rather than at what everyone else is doing. 

I always feel really awkward when my Christian friends bring this up and are very much like that facebook post I saw tonight. Because while I hold the same view of marriage as they do, I'm rather opposed to forcing that view on other people. I wouldn't ever want anyone forcing their views on me and deciding things for me based on their beliefs. So let's embrace the freedom that our forefathers risked their lives for and fought so hard for. Let's show people love and not spew hate, even if it's unintentional.

Chosen- Maranatha 2013

Sometimes you decide to sponsor jr high church camp...and you're the only female sponsor with 11 girls. Did I mention they're in junior high?

And also sometimes, God uses that time to remind you about such very important things as kindness, gentleness, love, patience and the like.

Because when a kid has been on your nerves all week and they keep at you, you have to practice kindness, patience, and love to keep yourself from snapping at them.

Or when a girl is crying over something silly, but she sees as super important and world ending, gentleness and love are the things that will help her through not telling her to cut it out because there's really nothing to be upset about...even though that might be what you're thinking.

Now that it's all said and done, there's a part of me that's sad it already ended and we have to wait a year to go back!

As much as I'm sure all these kids learned, I'm sure I learned infinitely more this week...

I learned some practical things like:

•  How to work as a team of family leaders with people I didn't know and how to connect with these kids who I was around for such a short time.
  
• Take more bandaids to camp...kids hurt themselves...a lot
• Junior high girls do not share my OCD tendencies...so try not to freak out over the messy dorm
• Spend as much time hanging with the kids as possible, even if you can barely keep your eyes open or they want you to do archery with them when you already have huge bruises from archery with a different kid 
  
  
  
• Sadly some kids would rather spend their money on 10 candy bars than give it to missions...that's ok, they're still learning and they have to learn on their own.

I also had the absolute pleasure of listening to some of the most amazing sermons and devotions that I have ever heard! We had two speakers from OCC who both blew my mind with what they had to say...the first showed us pictures of leprosy and explained the disease to us while comparing sin to spiritual leprosy. So true and such a great way to put it and one that I certainly won't forget any time soon. The other speaker from OCC, who was my favorite from the week, recited the Tell Tale Heart....may sound crazy but it was a PHENOMENAL lesson. He said that our old self is like the old man in the story and that we all have an old man to kill. But that once we kill that old self we're left with the dilemma of where to "hide the body". He said that most of us, like in Poe's story, try to hide our old sinful self and act like it never existed...but then it starts to haunt us just like the heart beat in Tell Tale Heart...and then we can't handle it anymore so we shine the light on that old self and we finally tell someone about it. And man do I understand that! Satan has so much power over us when we live in constant fear of someone finding out who we once were. But when we let someone in, when we confess our junk, that power is gone! We realize that there is no longer anything to fear because we  aren't our old selves anymore and we have the power to keep ourselves from going back and when we confess we also have other people to keep us accountable to the way we should be living and help us make sure that old self stays dead where it belongs. 

Also, Rapha House (www.freedomforgirls.org)  was our mission for the week and I basically love Rapha House so I was extremely happy to have them there and support them. I also loved seeing our kids wanting to learn more about Rapha because they too had hearts that were broken by the stories we heard. I couldn't help but remember the first time I heard about Rapha and learned about the girls there...my heart was broken for them, I wanted to help so much...all I wanted to do was jump on a plane to Cambodia right then and there. A huge part of my heart still aches to go to Cambodia and wrap my arms around these girls and let them know how loved and worthy and beautiful they are. 

I am so thankful to have Maranatha Bible Camp as a part of my life for so long now! I have so many memories there and God has done and continues to do so many big things in that amazing place! 

Pray for the camp staff as they keep pouring out love to different kids all summer, they are truly a wonderful group of kingdom workers.

Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today

Today I spent 12 hours in a field. Not just randomly, mind you. I spent 12 hours in a field for the wedding of two of my oldest and dearest friends. And it was lovely! After much hard work on their parts to prepare plus so many friends and family doing so many different things to make this day special for them, I can easily say that this was the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to!
A little background info to tell you how much I love this couple...
So my 4 year old self went to a babysitter everyday and sometimes a girl named Clarey Collins would come to my babysitter. I did not like her. When this Clarey character was around, my friends wanted to play with her instead of me...it was not cool. But then we went to different elementary schools so I never really crossed paths with her again until jr. high when we became friends because of a mutual friend...the three of us did everything together all the time. But then our third amigo decided to start running with a new crowd, which pretty much sucked. I think it's safe to say it was really hard for both of us to watch our friend walk away like she did and into what she did...but Clarey really helped me through that time and our friendship grew. Then at our last CIY conference together I remember walking together one night and Clarey saying to me something along the lines of, "Matt's talking to his dad right now about marrying me one day..." and even though we were still just kids really and they hadn't been dating all the long, my reaction was pure excitement because I just knew that it was right...these two were meant to be.
As for Matty, I met him in first grade. I remember that I his birthday was the first time I went to a boy's birthday party. He was the only person I knew when I started going to KITES so we always spent our KITES days hanging out. A few of my favorite memories from high school include the year we both wrote papers about how we needed a high school gifted program then got to speak at a school board meeting and then got to be a part of that program the next year when it was started and also our history class together where we'd always finish our work early and spend the rest of the class period playing cards with our group of friends.

As much as I claim to not believe in relationships....Clarey and Matty's love makes me a bit less jaded. It's so pure, so real, so lovely. One day they will be that little old couple who still holds hands that everyone says is so cute. I am so honored to call these two my friends and even more so to have gotten to stand up with them on their special day. It is a day I will never forget and I'm so happy to have been even a small part of it.

Hard to love

So many things that I want to discuss today...hmmm, I think I'll go with the one that seems to keep slapping me in the face over and over and continue to leave me puzzled...
I think this issue really came to light for me at CCH Spring Retreat...one of the speakers brought up those people in our lives who are really hard to love. You know those people, right? The annoying ones, the mean ones, the ones you just want to avoid. The lesson was basically about how those people might annoy the ever loving crap out of us, but it is our call to love them anyway. I mean, if we could potentially impact the trajectory of a life and someone's eternity can't we just deal with the annoyance?
Easier said than done, right?
For me, this topic shot one person to the forefront of my brain right away...then the thoughts of them and if I was really loving them like I should kept nagging at me relentlessly. On the one hand, I desperately want to look them in the eye and say, "Hey, I care about you way too much to watch you live this way. God has way bigger things for you if you'd just hand it over to Him, follow His plan, and trust Him." But on the other hand, you know they'll be on the defensive and tune you out if you just straight up said that to them.
So how do you go about such a situation? Just love them, right?
But what if you feel like they're constantly talking down about your life? What if you feel like they're laughing at the life choices you make, even when you know they're right? What if they're always bringing you down? What happens when you don't even feel comfortable around this person anymore and can't relate to them?
This is a thing in my life right now...and I honestly don't know how to approach it. For me, it's someone I feel that I no longer relate to at all...but I also feel an enormous weight of responsibility...I mean, with eternity literally on the line, can I just walk away? No. Do I want to sometimes? Absolutely.
It's tiring. Many times, it's so tiring that I just avoid the situation all together...but I know that's not the right approach either. I recently brought this whole thing to someone whose advice I very much trust and was told basically to be there for the friend that needed me but to always make sure I was being the influence and not the one being influenced. She told me to go out of my way to be the influence...but I'm not really sure what that looks like...One might think, well spend time with this person so they know you care enough to sacrifice other things in your life for them. But is that a good idea when I always walk away from our time together feel defeated and negative about everything? I can only be relentlessly positive against total negativity for so long before I just want to give up.
I just don't really know. What I do know is that this topic came up again at 8.01 tonight. What I do know is that I'm about 110% sure that God's trying to get my attention here. Maybe He's been trying to get yours, too...is there someone in your life who you could be influencing for the better? Someone who needs you to show them the unconditional love that God shows you? I know it's hard...I'm right there too, but God will always give you the words to say and the strength to get through even the most tiring and defeating of situations if you just trust Him.

Humanness

Six years ago today my mom got a phone call, the kind of phone call one never hopes for...I remember her trying to stay calm as she said to me, "There was an accident..." then proceeded to tell me that my 7 year old cousin, Tommie, had been killed and my aunt was rushed to the hospital for surgery. What happened after that is basically a scary stressful blur looking back...

I remember shaking and bawling my eyes out as I saw my baby cousin for the last time.

I remember the helpless feeling of not having any words but desperately wanting to take my aunt's pain away.

I remember the most beautiful funeral I've ever seen as a caravan of motorcycles accompanied the tiny white coffin to the graveyard.

 I remember wishing I'd been around my family more rather than growing up 5 hours away.

I remember being so confused about everything.

I remember being angry with God...then being mad at myself for being mad at God.

Though I still have a hard time reliving this, I know I walked away from it a better person...I got to see my family band together even though they usually fight a ton. I realized just how important it is to tell people you love them...not to be terribly cliche, but you really never know when it may be your last chance to tell them. It occurred to me that I don't make it back to visit my family enough. 

Most importantly though, I was reminded of how very human I am...I was really angry with God for a rather long time and I felt like a terrible Christian for being mad at God...I mean, He's God, we're not allowed to be mad at Him, right? But we're human and that's a very real human emotional reaction. The thing is, sometimes you just have to let yourself feel whatever it is you're going to feel...but don't hold onto those feelings. Take them all to God and say, "Hey God, I really don't understand what you're doing and I'm having trouble with it and I'm a little ticked at you right now but I don't want to feel that way...could you maybe help me out with that?" He already knows what you're feeling anyway, He just wants you to talk to Him about it and ask for His help. Oh but we just hate to ask for help, don't we? It's hard to remember that God is our Father just waiting to help us and wrap His loving arms around us as soon as we turn our eyes to Him and say, "I can't handle this alone, please help me Abba Father." Abba Father...it's like you're saying Daddy...like a little kid calling out. I love that picture! Just think of your Dad...if you cry out to him, "Daddy, I need you help!" is he just going to ignore you? No, he's going to run to you and do everything in his power to help...and that's what God wants to do too.

So on a day that once held so much darkness for me, I can now rejoice in the love of God. I will never understand why Tommie left us so suddenly and at such a young age but I handed all of my pain from this situation over to God and he put my mind at ease. I'm held in the arms of the Creator of the universe and that's the most comforting feeling I know!

LiveSTRONG

So...let's talk about being healthy. First of all, let me say that I do not buy into this whole idea that you have to be skinny to be pretty or that you should always be on diets or that you need to try the newest fad workout or whatever. What I do believe is that health is the goal and that takes lifelong commitment and hard work, but it's totally worth it.

So story time: picture 15ish year old me...if you knew me, cool story. If not, I'll paint you a picture...I was unhealthy, very unhealthy. But I didn't care. I didn't think any less of my self because I was bigger than most of the girls at school, that was just the way I was. Sure I couldn't pass the mile test in gym, but who cares about that in real life anyway? But then lots of things happened that were very hard for my 15 year old brain to process...and things got pretty dark for quite some time. At some point I heard that working out can stave off depression. So I got a membership to the YMCA and that was a ginormous turning point in my life. I made a point to be at the gym almost every day. When I realized I really didn't know what I was doing at the gym, I decided to join a group fitness class...but I was really nervous to go so Rachel Shuck graciously went with me that first morning. 

All of that became so much more pretty quickly...I was running 5K races, working out regularly, seeking workout advice, etc. And then I decided that if I was going to work so hard, I shouldn't let what I was eating negate all of my work. So I started learning about eating right. Rach taught me so much about eating right and how food affect our bodies etc, it was awesome. I went from hating salad to suddenly being a health fanatic. After all was said and done, I lost quite a few pounds (about 50 I believe) and felt really good!

Which was awesome but looking back, I think I made a little too much of it. I was too hard on myself if I missed a workout, had a "bad" run, or ate something bad for me. And that's not a positive way to approach things. When you approach it that way, you can get discouraged really easily and think that it's all for naught because the goal's too big to ever meet...and then you give up and slip back into your old habits of being lazy and eating crappy food because that's easier. But that eventually gets to you and your body ends up screaming for you to take care of it.

Which is kind of the point I think I find myself at right now...not all the way back at start, but not anywhere near where my hard work got me. And today I said that's enough. I completely overhauled my entire kitchen, throwing out all the crap and making sure I'll always have healthy options to snack on, cook, make for lunch, etc. I hit the gym again, it wasn't easy but it felt great to have all those endorphins pumping again. And I'm determined to really make a change again, a forever change. I'm worth the time and effort to keep myself healthy. 

Soooo, why am I telling you this? Mostly because all of this brought up lots of thoughts today that I think are really important things to discuss...

• I wish that girls didn't try so hard to be "skinny" for the sake of other people.
• I wish I could explain to everyone how loved, important, and worthwhile they are, no matter their size.
• I also wish that I always remembered these things about myself.
• Sometimes you have to realize that if you really love yourself, you've got to take time to take care of your health...it's something you do for you, no one else. You are most motivated when it is something you truly want and value.
• Chocolate cake occasionally won't kill you and you deserve to splurge sometimes.
• A "bad" workout or run is still better than sitting on your butt.
• I am eternally grateful for Rachel Shuck's help in helping me get healthy over the years...and I feel a little like I let her down when I started slacking off and being a bum/ eating crappy again
• Health and fitness truly is a lifelong journey. You can't just stop and assume you're where you want to be because you won't stay there for long.
• Aren't our bodies super cool?!? Think about everything they do for us and how perfectly they function if we just take care of them.
• What a great way to tell God thank you for this amazing life he gave us...it's like you're saying, "Hey God, thanks for this awesome body and life you gave me! I'll be sure to take care it because it's super special and important to me!"
• While being in the gym, or running or whatever may take time away that I could be spending with people, it is necessary. I can't give of myself to others if I don't take that time out to restore myself and keep everything in working order.

And here's to picking up this journey again and becoming the best me I can be. Here's to showing God how cool I think His handiwork is by honoring it and taking care of it. Here's to me time and how that will make me better at time with others. Here's to living and living strong because we are all worth it.

Natural Beauty

I must admit that the 4:30am wake-up call and subsequent 3 hour drive to Arkansas maybe wasn't the most fun way to start a day off...but then we arrived at Devil's Den and set out on the Devil's Den trail...and I was immediately in awe of the beauty of creation! This place is full of caves, waterfalls, springs, crevices, overlooks, a river, and fantastic greenery as far as the eye can see! We spend the whole morning exploring and hiked at least 4.5 miles of gorgeous trail. I cannot wait until I get the chance to go back because there is still so much more that we didn't get the chance to see!

It is places like this that I can really see God. I mean, how can you look at all of the beauty this world holds and not see His finger prints all over everything?!? I will never understand how someone can experience the beauty that nature holds and still think that it all came from nothing which exploded into nothingness and then the nothing somehow turned into all of the fantastic wonders of our world...I, for one, love thinking about our Lord placing all of this here and allowing us to enjoy it! When I'm out and about exploring this world I just cannot help but start thanking God for giving us all of this.

We all need times like this...time to turn off the cell phone, be away from the television, off the computer, and just take in nature. Such a great time to just breathe and remember that no matter how ugly things may seem all around us, there will always be beauty left in this world. Maybe that's why God gave us places like this, to remind us that all of the beautiful things aren't gone, no matter how hard this world tries to tear them all away.  

 

Come down to the river...

"Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." (Acts 2:38)

So....baptism. This is something that's been weighing on my mind for a while now but even more so since spring retreat. At spring retreat one of the baptisms was a guy who was being baptized for the second time. His story was basically that he was baptized as a little kid but that now, as an adult, he finally knew what he was saying yes to and he really wanted to live his life for God. I even saw my own dad be re-baptized with basically this same rationale. And I started thinking about my own story...I mean, I was baptized at the age of 9 and I can tell you 100% that I did not fully understand what I was saying yes to...nor did I let it affect my life at all. So I decided to to do some digging on this subject and I've found widely differing views. Some say that it's really a matter of the heart so if you've already been baptized once there's no point in doing it again when you can just go to God, others say that if your heart wasn't really in the right place to begin with but now it is that re-baptism is acceptable, some just throw out a straight up no way no how because it's not found in the Bible. I did come across what I find to be a particularly interesting quote during my "research":

  “A man who knows that he is saved by believing in Christ does not, when he is baptized, lift his baptism into a saving ordinance. In fact, he is the very best protester against that mistake, because he holds that he has no right to be baptized until he is saved.”  ~ Charles Spurgeon

I like that he says, "he holds that he has no right to be baptized until he is saved." I mean, who's to say exactly what point we're "saved"? I can tell you when it is that I recognize as being when I was saved and it certainly wasn't when I was 9 years old and got baptized, it was 11 years later when I finally claimed my faith as my own for real. When I realized that I NEEDED God and that it couldn't be just a casual, when it was convenient for me type of noncommittal relationship. So does that mean that I had no right to be baptized the first time? I think maybe. BUT I have indeed been baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit...it was the repent part that I missed when I was a kid. I still haven't come to a conclusion about my own life and maybe being baptized again...I do know that I repented, God wrapped his loving arms around me, and I'm a child of the One True King...and that's really awesome.

In other news, we've had quite a few kids in our congregation getting baptized lately...don't get me wrong, I love seeing baptisms. But I wonder about these kids...do they really know what they're saying yes to? Are they ready to really live for God? Are they really ready to make such a big decision at such a young age? I certainly wasn't. Our church even did a class tonight for parents and kids talking about baptism...I really wish I could have sat in on it just to find out what exactly they were teaching. Were they telling people to encourage their young kids to be baptized right now? Were they making sure that parents understood their part in making sure their kids really understand the decision they're making? I guess I'll find out if a bunch of kids start getting baptized all of the sudden...

Really though, if you have thoughts on this subject please comment! It's intriguing to me that people actually read this, but I'd like to know what you're thinking too :)