They call it mindfulness; the art of learning to truly be present and appreciate where you are in the hear and now. It has been a big struggle of mine for so so long. This, I think, is probably not helped by my anxiety issues, but alas.
I have almost always been one to worry about things and blow things out of proportion before they even happen. This has been especially prevalent when comes to my mental health and the idea of getting "better." I do this thing where I don't believe that I can truly get better; but what's more, sometimes I doubt my even wanting to get better. Sounds crazy, right? But the thing is that I'm not sure what to do with feeling better anymore. I've felt so shitty and been fighting so hard just to keep from killing myself for so long, that it's like that's all I've ever known. Of course, I've known times that it wasn't the case that things, were so rough for me, but they're sometimes hard to remember. Sometimes it's hard to even remember how to function as a normal human being again. How does one maintain good hygiene, a clean home, normal eating habits, work life, social life, etc? It all just seems like so much that it still overwhelms me at times.
The thing is though, that I'm actually starting to feel better. I'm starting to feel what I think of as "normal," like me again. It's honestly a strange feeling. I'm slowly beginning to complete basic life tasks again. I'm smiling from a genuine place inside of me; laughing for real, not just to keep up the facade. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. The thoughts of leaving this world still cross my mind on a daily basis, but they are fleeting; nothing I'm seriously considering. The cool thing though, is that I'm thinking about the future again. I can see myself continuing on, aging past where I am now, doing things I've always wanted to do, and finding a career that I love. That hasn't happened in so long. What I'm having to learn though, is to accept all of this for what it is; to be truly present and mindful.
You see, for too long, I've ruined moments like this. Self sabotage has long been an issue of mine. I worry. I feel like this can't be real, like it's just a cruel joke. Good days will never last and I can't truly be better ever again. I focus on what I'll do when I spiral downwards again rather than being grateful for the good things that are happening in my life. This worry actually keeps me in my funk and tends to land me at the bottom of the rabbit hole that is the negative parts of my mind. I make myself worse! But it's different this time.
In talking with my psychiatrist recently, I reported that I had been feeling better, but I had no idea why. "I don't know why either, but I don't care; I'll take it," she replied.And I must say that I agree with her. I'm savoring this feeling. I'm doing things I love again rather than lying in my bed for days on end. I'm taking playing and being silly with my nephews and giving them all the time I can. I'm happy. I'm living in the present; I'm embracing it. I'm letting myself think about being more than my illnesses; letting myself dream again. And let me tell you, it feels amazing.
So long story short; be here, now. Don't live in the future, that allows for time to be over taken be anxiety. Don't live in the past, it leaves you longing for times that may never repeat themselves or hung up on all of the hard times that you've walked through. Be here, now. Laugh, smile, play; let yourself truly live and enjoy the life you're lucky to have. I know that's easier said than done and I kind of think that it's less about doing work to get there as it is just falling into these feelings. For me, it's about not letting my anxiety ruin the present by keeping me in an uncertain future, by worrying about when I'll get bad again. It's not an 'if' for me, it's a 'when' because of my illnesses and I've come to accept that. I'm learning, though, that I can face that when it comes rather than letting it ruin more than it already will. My illnesses don't have to control me all the times; sometimes I can stare them down and simply say, "not today, brain, not today." I hope you can learn to do the same.
Be here, now.
