Humanness

Six years ago today my mom got a phone call, the kind of phone call one never hopes for...I remember her trying to stay calm as she said to me, "There was an accident..." then proceeded to tell me that my 7 year old cousin, Tommie, had been killed and my aunt was rushed to the hospital for surgery. What happened after that is basically a scary stressful blur looking back...

I remember shaking and bawling my eyes out as I saw my baby cousin for the last time.

I remember the helpless feeling of not having any words but desperately wanting to take my aunt's pain away.

I remember the most beautiful funeral I've ever seen as a caravan of motorcycles accompanied the tiny white coffin to the graveyard.

 I remember wishing I'd been around my family more rather than growing up 5 hours away.

I remember being so confused about everything.

I remember being angry with God...then being mad at myself for being mad at God.

Though I still have a hard time reliving this, I know I walked away from it a better person...I got to see my family band together even though they usually fight a ton. I realized just how important it is to tell people you love them...not to be terribly cliche, but you really never know when it may be your last chance to tell them. It occurred to me that I don't make it back to visit my family enough. 

Most importantly though, I was reminded of how very human I am...I was really angry with God for a rather long time and I felt like a terrible Christian for being mad at God...I mean, He's God, we're not allowed to be mad at Him, right? But we're human and that's a very real human emotional reaction. The thing is, sometimes you just have to let yourself feel whatever it is you're going to feel...but don't hold onto those feelings. Take them all to God and say, "Hey God, I really don't understand what you're doing and I'm having trouble with it and I'm a little ticked at you right now but I don't want to feel that way...could you maybe help me out with that?" He already knows what you're feeling anyway, He just wants you to talk to Him about it and ask for His help. Oh but we just hate to ask for help, don't we? It's hard to remember that God is our Father just waiting to help us and wrap His loving arms around us as soon as we turn our eyes to Him and say, "I can't handle this alone, please help me Abba Father." Abba Father...it's like you're saying Daddy...like a little kid calling out. I love that picture! Just think of your Dad...if you cry out to him, "Daddy, I need you help!" is he just going to ignore you? No, he's going to run to you and do everything in his power to help...and that's what God wants to do too.

So on a day that once held so much darkness for me, I can now rejoice in the love of God. I will never understand why Tommie left us so suddenly and at such a young age but I handed all of my pain from this situation over to God and he put my mind at ease. I'm held in the arms of the Creator of the universe and that's the most comforting feeling I know!

LiveSTRONG

So...let's talk about being healthy. First of all, let me say that I do not buy into this whole idea that you have to be skinny to be pretty or that you should always be on diets or that you need to try the newest fad workout or whatever. What I do believe is that health is the goal and that takes lifelong commitment and hard work, but it's totally worth it.

So story time: picture 15ish year old me...if you knew me, cool story. If not, I'll paint you a picture...I was unhealthy, very unhealthy. But I didn't care. I didn't think any less of my self because I was bigger than most of the girls at school, that was just the way I was. Sure I couldn't pass the mile test in gym, but who cares about that in real life anyway? But then lots of things happened that were very hard for my 15 year old brain to process...and things got pretty dark for quite some time. At some point I heard that working out can stave off depression. So I got a membership to the YMCA and that was a ginormous turning point in my life. I made a point to be at the gym almost every day. When I realized I really didn't know what I was doing at the gym, I decided to join a group fitness class...but I was really nervous to go so Rachel Shuck graciously went with me that first morning. 

All of that became so much more pretty quickly...I was running 5K races, working out regularly, seeking workout advice, etc. And then I decided that if I was going to work so hard, I shouldn't let what I was eating negate all of my work. So I started learning about eating right. Rach taught me so much about eating right and how food affect our bodies etc, it was awesome. I went from hating salad to suddenly being a health fanatic. After all was said and done, I lost quite a few pounds (about 50 I believe) and felt really good!

Which was awesome but looking back, I think I made a little too much of it. I was too hard on myself if I missed a workout, had a "bad" run, or ate something bad for me. And that's not a positive way to approach things. When you approach it that way, you can get discouraged really easily and think that it's all for naught because the goal's too big to ever meet...and then you give up and slip back into your old habits of being lazy and eating crappy food because that's easier. But that eventually gets to you and your body ends up screaming for you to take care of it.

Which is kind of the point I think I find myself at right now...not all the way back at start, but not anywhere near where my hard work got me. And today I said that's enough. I completely overhauled my entire kitchen, throwing out all the crap and making sure I'll always have healthy options to snack on, cook, make for lunch, etc. I hit the gym again, it wasn't easy but it felt great to have all those endorphins pumping again. And I'm determined to really make a change again, a forever change. I'm worth the time and effort to keep myself healthy. 

Soooo, why am I telling you this? Mostly because all of this brought up lots of thoughts today that I think are really important things to discuss...

• I wish that girls didn't try so hard to be "skinny" for the sake of other people.
• I wish I could explain to everyone how loved, important, and worthwhile they are, no matter their size.
• I also wish that I always remembered these things about myself.
• Sometimes you have to realize that if you really love yourself, you've got to take time to take care of your health...it's something you do for you, no one else. You are most motivated when it is something you truly want and value.
• Chocolate cake occasionally won't kill you and you deserve to splurge sometimes.
• A "bad" workout or run is still better than sitting on your butt.
• I am eternally grateful for Rachel Shuck's help in helping me get healthy over the years...and I feel a little like I let her down when I started slacking off and being a bum/ eating crappy again
• Health and fitness truly is a lifelong journey. You can't just stop and assume you're where you want to be because you won't stay there for long.
• Aren't our bodies super cool?!? Think about everything they do for us and how perfectly they function if we just take care of them.
• What a great way to tell God thank you for this amazing life he gave us...it's like you're saying, "Hey God, thanks for this awesome body and life you gave me! I'll be sure to take care it because it's super special and important to me!"
• While being in the gym, or running or whatever may take time away that I could be spending with people, it is necessary. I can't give of myself to others if I don't take that time out to restore myself and keep everything in working order.

And here's to picking up this journey again and becoming the best me I can be. Here's to showing God how cool I think His handiwork is by honoring it and taking care of it. Here's to me time and how that will make me better at time with others. Here's to living and living strong because we are all worth it.

Natural Beauty

I must admit that the 4:30am wake-up call and subsequent 3 hour drive to Arkansas maybe wasn't the most fun way to start a day off...but then we arrived at Devil's Den and set out on the Devil's Den trail...and I was immediately in awe of the beauty of creation! This place is full of caves, waterfalls, springs, crevices, overlooks, a river, and fantastic greenery as far as the eye can see! We spend the whole morning exploring and hiked at least 4.5 miles of gorgeous trail. I cannot wait until I get the chance to go back because there is still so much more that we didn't get the chance to see!

It is places like this that I can really see God. I mean, how can you look at all of the beauty this world holds and not see His finger prints all over everything?!? I will never understand how someone can experience the beauty that nature holds and still think that it all came from nothing which exploded into nothingness and then the nothing somehow turned into all of the fantastic wonders of our world...I, for one, love thinking about our Lord placing all of this here and allowing us to enjoy it! When I'm out and about exploring this world I just cannot help but start thanking God for giving us all of this.

We all need times like this...time to turn off the cell phone, be away from the television, off the computer, and just take in nature. Such a great time to just breathe and remember that no matter how ugly things may seem all around us, there will always be beauty left in this world. Maybe that's why God gave us places like this, to remind us that all of the beautiful things aren't gone, no matter how hard this world tries to tear them all away.  

 

Come down to the river...

"Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." (Acts 2:38)

So....baptism. This is something that's been weighing on my mind for a while now but even more so since spring retreat. At spring retreat one of the baptisms was a guy who was being baptized for the second time. His story was basically that he was baptized as a little kid but that now, as an adult, he finally knew what he was saying yes to and he really wanted to live his life for God. I even saw my own dad be re-baptized with basically this same rationale. And I started thinking about my own story...I mean, I was baptized at the age of 9 and I can tell you 100% that I did not fully understand what I was saying yes to...nor did I let it affect my life at all. So I decided to to do some digging on this subject and I've found widely differing views. Some say that it's really a matter of the heart so if you've already been baptized once there's no point in doing it again when you can just go to God, others say that if your heart wasn't really in the right place to begin with but now it is that re-baptism is acceptable, some just throw out a straight up no way no how because it's not found in the Bible. I did come across what I find to be a particularly interesting quote during my "research":

  “A man who knows that he is saved by believing in Christ does not, when he is baptized, lift his baptism into a saving ordinance. In fact, he is the very best protester against that mistake, because he holds that he has no right to be baptized until he is saved.”  ~ Charles Spurgeon

I like that he says, "he holds that he has no right to be baptized until he is saved." I mean, who's to say exactly what point we're "saved"? I can tell you when it is that I recognize as being when I was saved and it certainly wasn't when I was 9 years old and got baptized, it was 11 years later when I finally claimed my faith as my own for real. When I realized that I NEEDED God and that it couldn't be just a casual, when it was convenient for me type of noncommittal relationship. So does that mean that I had no right to be baptized the first time? I think maybe. BUT I have indeed been baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit...it was the repent part that I missed when I was a kid. I still haven't come to a conclusion about my own life and maybe being baptized again...I do know that I repented, God wrapped his loving arms around me, and I'm a child of the One True King...and that's really awesome.

In other news, we've had quite a few kids in our congregation getting baptized lately...don't get me wrong, I love seeing baptisms. But I wonder about these kids...do they really know what they're saying yes to? Are they ready to really live for God? Are they really ready to make such a big decision at such a young age? I certainly wasn't. Our church even did a class tonight for parents and kids talking about baptism...I really wish I could have sat in on it just to find out what exactly they were teaching. Were they telling people to encourage their young kids to be baptized right now? Were they making sure that parents understood their part in making sure their kids really understand the decision they're making? I guess I'll find out if a bunch of kids start getting baptized all of the sudden...

Really though, if you have thoughts on this subject please comment! It's intriguing to me that people actually read this, but I'd like to know what you're thinking too :) 

What about that?

So Kyle Idleman has this book called Not a Fan, it's pretty fantastic and if you've yet to read it...do so, right now. I read this book with my small group this semester and loved it so much. There is a ton of fantastic stuff in it that I could really relate to. Like, I can look back on my life and really see this transition from fan to follower really happen and what it's meant in my life. Not terribly long ago, we discussed the very last chapter of this book which is called "Whatever. What about that?" and it was particularly intriguing to me.
Basically, the whole premise of this chapter is trying to get you to think about what it is that's holding you back from following or maybe what you wouldn't be willing to give up to follow Jesus. So I was stewing on this question for quite a while...and I was once again taken back to thoughts of Nicaragua and how we got to a certain point in the trip, and all I could think was, "I want my mom." I mean, I'm so sued to talking to her every day that I didn't know what to do without being able to for 10 days...and then it hit me: my family.  If it was necessary for me to give up my family to follow God....would I? Really though, I came back from that trip saying that I could never go to a place for a long amount of time where I didn't have some kind of phone or internet access to contact my family. But what if that's where God wanted and needed me? Of course, I'd like to say I'd go but that's a hard thing to say when I'm not actually in that situation.
I mean, in some countries people are accepting God knowing that they will be literally shunned by their families for doing so...no place to live, no one to return to. But they do it because they know that the kingdom of God is worth it. Yet, here I am, afraid of maybe ending up somewhere that I'm simply cut off from my family for a certain period of time. How does that mind-set change? Well, I know that I will never change it on my own, it's gonna take God to get me to that place where I'd really be ready to give up everything and everyone to really follow Jesus. Thank the Lord we are always learning and growing in this life!
So...yeah, short one tonight...but that's what I've been thinking about the most lately.

How do they know?

So as I'm sitting here pondering the fact that everyone seems to be packing up and heading away for the summer, I'm getting somewhat worried about what this summer may hold. I mean, soon I will be coming home to an empty apartment every day, my family group from this semester ended last week, people are moving away, and it seems like everything I've just gotten used to is changing. For my OCD self, change is hard. It takes so long to get adjusted and comfortable in new settings...like, I have been part of CCH for a full year now and as much as I would like to claim otherwise, I'm still not totally comfortable. I still feel like I'm not completely part of the "family" and that the majority of the people there don't care if I'm there or not. Blah, it's a pretty rotten feeling, but a real one. 

That being said, it brings me to my main point...do people know that you really care for them? Do you show your love to people? And no, I don't mean mushy romantic love, I mean brotherly love...how do the people in your life know that you're thinking about them? I mean, I'm sure there are ways I could be ways better at this but if I haven't seen someone in a while, I contact them and check on them and let them know they're missed. Sometimes, I randomly go through my phone and just send out good morning texts to let people know they are on my mind and that I genuinely want them to have a great day. But no one does these things for me. I'm only whining a little bit here because I'm really left wondering that if I feel this forgotten, how do people with an even more fragile psyche than mine feel? Do I even know who these people are in my life? Am I making an intentional effort to reach out to them and make them feel loved? 

I'm an introvert in what is sometimes the worst of ways. I enjoy time alone, but I still need to feel important and loved! As much as that's true for me, I know it's important for me to make an effort to make others know how much they mean to me all the time and to encourage them in any way I can. Sometimes, this takes enormous efforts for me because I just want to sit on my couch and read or watch Doctor Who but I've found it extremely rewarding to make myself give people that time. Being around people and talking to/ connecting with them helps keep me from going crazy. But sometimes it feels so one-sided and that's probably where my aggravation is stemming from...sometimes that first step toward someone else is ignored, they just don't care that I'm trying to be part of their life. I need someone to take that step toward me so I know they are approachable and I don't feel like a bother to them.

Maybe what I'm getting at here is that I wish people would stop assuming that everyone is ok...make the effort to check on people. INTENTIONALLY love people. Someone might be needing to talk but they are quiet because they don't want to be a burden to anyone, they need people to tell them how much they matter and really mean it. We need more people who will just be there all the time and less who pop in and out of our lives pretending to care.

Happy Mother's Day!

Oh mother's day, how I love mother's day because I have the best mom in the whole entire world! I love her 1 million red M&Ms!

 

She is pretty much amazing and I am so very thankful for her. I have watched this woman bend over backwards to take care of me and my big sister. For many years, that meant working 2-3 jobs at a time and sacrificing so much to make sure we had everything we needed and wanted. She had always sacrificed herself for our good. 

Now I get the absolute pleasure of working with my mom and I love it so much! I get to see her every day :) We talk about everything all the time and she's always there to listen no matter what. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Really, my mom is the coolest and words can't do her justice. What an amazing blessing she is!

I love her to the moon and back!

We have ways of making you talk...

We all know this scene from the movie, right? The one where the bad guy's been caught but he's not about to admit a thing or give up any secrets to anyone so they put him under that super intense light and whoever is interrogating him gets right up in his face and says, "We have ways of making you talk..." While I've never been in this situation for really real, this is how much of my life has felt...like someone is right up in my face, grilling me, trying to get me to say something.
And let me tell you, that's not a fun situation to be in. Yeah, I'm quiet, I know this. I've been like that for as long as I can remember so I really can't tell you why. I mean, I'm sure it's frustrating to people when they can tell I'm thinking something and I never say it...but if people could only imagine how much more frustrating it is to be on the flip side of this scenario, man would their perspectives change! Those times that you have a profound (or maybe just funny) thing to say, and you have it all worked out in your mind what you'll say and how you'll say it but then you, for some unknown reason, can't bring yourself to speak up...know what I'm talking about? That's pretty much all the time for me, and it sucks. I'm really not sure why this happens.
I've always seen myself as more an observer and a thinker. And let me tell you, silence has a huge advantage when you want to learn things...interestingly enough, my silence has helped me learn quite a bit about speaking up from time to time.
Let's go back to Christmas break in Nicaragua. Each night, our group would sit around and talk about the day. People would discuss what we'd done, things we'd seen, what God was teaching us, etc and I would listen. I never said a single thing on any of the nights we were there. Then on our last day, a counselor came in to talk to us and kind of debrief with us. He wanted to know how our week was, what we'd learned, general thoughts, and whatnot. I had successfully managed to sit by silently for most of that time until he called me out and made me talk...rude. After that little fun time, one of our fearless leaders, Molly, told me she was glad to hear what I had to say for once. Then we had the whole discussion about me being quiet all the time and I thought that was the end of that.
Little did I know that the first time I saw her again, Molly would offer me a challenge of sorts (though she probably wouldn't call it that). How? Well, I went to tell her good-bye and she said to me simply, "See you later...we'll talk?" In my head I was thinking, "Talk about what? Why do you want to talk to me? Didn't I explain this whole quiet thing to you?" but what I said was, "Yeah, that'd be great." And so we started talking...and it's been pretty great. There's now one more person in that small circle of people that I let in, people that I trust. And now, I'm really working on expanding that circle and letting more people in because I can really see the value in it. I mean, I am beyond thankful to have someone who takes an hour out of their busy week just to sit and talk about life, it's such a blessing in my life. I want to be that person to someone else...I want to be the person they trust, the one they know they can talk to, the one they can ask questions. That's a goal of mine, to get to that place where I can not only let people be that for me but to let people know that I'll be that for them.
I realize though, that that's going to take some real effort on my part. It means making that choice to spend time with people even though I'd rather be alone sometimes. It means speaking up when something's on my mind. It means not being afraid to tell someone I need to talk. Right now, it's a matter of trying and learning. I'm trying to be better about not only talking but really letting people in and connecting. I'm trying to speak up. I'm learning what it's like to have those people you can talk to about everything. I'm learning that people do want to hear what I'm thinking from time to time. Most of all, I'm learning that when it comes down to it, God will always give me the words to say if I ask Him and that's all that matters.

The "What If" game

What's up friends? So round abouts a year ago, this kid was planning on moving to Arkansas. Everything was in place...I had just put a deposit in the place I was going to live, I'd met a few new people, I was making plans to find a job, I'd done the whole campus tour thing, etc. and then I went to my advising meeting...and I left feeling very not right. In fact, before I was even back in Missouri I called my friend and said, "I can't do this." After a few super stressful days of trying to figure out what to do I decided that I really couldn't do it, telling everyone that it was because of money. Looking back though, it's not that it was a money issue, I mean yeah, it would have meant loans for me but everyone and their mom takes out student loans so I could have done that if it came down to it...there was something bigger and far more important at work in my heart.
Looking back now, it's clear that I am exactly where I am supposed to be...but for a while, it was so easy to play the "what if" game...

What if I'd gotten in to C of O like I originally planned? 

What if I'd made different choices along the way? 

What if I've made the wrong choice yet again? 

What if it was just my fear keeping me here? 

What if I'm missing out on something better God has for me in Fayetteville?

What if I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing in life?

And I probably played that game for most of the summer as I went through the great fun of telling everyone that I wasn't leaving after all. But then, around the beginning of the fall '12 semester, I was asked if I thought I made the right choice...and I cringed because I still didn't know if it was right or wrong or how I'd ever know. So my response something along the lines of, "Well, I don't think I'll ever know for sure but I'm not dwelling on that. I'm going to make the absolute best of the choice I did make because that's what I've got to work with." So that's what I've focused on doing this year, making the absolute best of the decision I made rather than sitting around wondering about what I walked away from.

And what an amazing year it has been! First thing I did, on the advice of a dear friend, was find a place to get involved. That place was Christian Campus House and so many of the reasons that this year has been amazing stem from there...I went on my first ever mission (to Nicaragua!), was part of a small group for the first time, went on another mission trip, went to spring retreat where I met people from other campus ministries, made some amazing new friends, and oh yeah, am the new CCH secretary for the '13-'14 school year. All of that in one year of making an actual effort to participate! I just can't believe what an amazing group I've been blessed to be a part of and I cannot wait to see what God's got in store for all of us.

Also, I started sponsoring youth activities at church...such great times! It is truly a blessing to be able to love on those kids and really pour into them and see them learn each and every week. It is my continued prayer to always encourage them and build them up so they may always know they aren't walking alone through this life. 

There are more things, but I doubt you want to read a novel right now so I'll get to the point...Where I was going with this was to encourage each of you to live your life right now, don't dwell on the past, the future, or the "what if" because then you miss so much of what's around you. 

Love God. Love people. Love life. Be present. 

God will work the rest out, all you have to do is trust Him and run after Him with all you've got.

Teacher appreciation day!

So, it's teacher appreciation day...what an important day! I mean, so many people really don't give teachers the respect they deserve. But let me tell you, I am deeply thankful for all of the amazing teachers that have blessed my life!
Any time people mention great/ influential teachers I immediately have 2 wonderful ladies come to mind...so I'm going to tell you about them and why they rock. I dunno if they'll ever see this, but I think everyone deserves to be told how great they are and how much they are appreciated!
So first of all, there's Rachel:

 

When I walked into my first day of freshman Spanish class I had no way of knowing how big a part of my life this amazing woman would become. Not only did she help me discover and really cultivate my love of Spanish, she taught me so much about life. From every morning that I just sat in her classroom because I loathed the crowded commons area to all the times I just needed someone to talk to (even in the middle of summer) because I felt so alone, she was always there. The day I found out that I'd been wait listed for the only college I wanted to go to, I went straight to her classroom, letter in hand, with tear filled eyes. That's when she told me, "God's got something different planned for you." At the time, I wrote it off as one of those things that people just say to you...but I look back now and know that it was indeed the truth.Still to this day, she'll help me out with Spanish stuff or just chat with me from time to time. It's always so nice to talk to someone who has a genuine interest in your life and really wants the best for you in whatever you do. Reading over this, I realized that I really can't make you understand how thankful I am for Rachel in my life...but maybe you've been around long enough to know. She has been my friend, mentor, teacher, counselor, personal trainer, and reality check for many years and I can never thank her enough for everything.

The other educator who I can never stop thanking is Tricia: 

This lady right here is amazing! She's really been a bigger part of my life after being my teacher than she ever was as my teacher...so that's kinda weird to most people, but I'm so thankful for her! First teacher I ever had in high school as she was my first block teacher...I was totally intimidated by her to tell the truth. How ridiculous of me! The year I graduated she moved to Arkansas so I pretty much figured I'd never see her again. But basically, when I came to a breaking point in my life where I was really lost, she was the first person I wanted to talk to...I had no idea why but I just really felt like I needed to get back into contact with her. I spent a whole day debating about if I should get in touch with her or not. When I did so via facebook message, I immediately thought I'd done something dumb, figuring she'd think I was crazy or something. Turns out later that night I had missed calls, texts, and fb messages from her asking what was going on and making sure I was ok. For the last year and a half or so, Tricia has been my rock. I can always talk to her about anything and everything, nothing is ever off limits. She knows my story and I know hers. There's something about a person who tells you, "You are never a bother to me, I'm always here for you. Remember that." that just makes you feel loved. It makes you feel important when someone who you know is busy takes time out for you and really does care. As is with Rach, I'm pretty sure words will never really express my continuing thanks.

So yeah, needless to say that I think teachers are fantastic! Man, what an impact they make on so many kids! How many lives do they change without knowing it? How many lives have they unknowingly saved? So here's my big thought today...think about a teacher who has impacted your life in big ways and call/ text/ email/ fb message them or whatever you have to do to get in touch with and tell them what they mean to you and thank them for all they do. Teaching isn't easy. It's long hours, terrible pay, rude parents, rude kids, nonsensical red tape...but look what a difference these people make! Truly world changers! God has blessed me with some amazing educators to help guide me through this crazy life, far more than I've mentioned here, and I can NEVER thank them enough! I'm lucky enough to have teachers who have become real friends and I know that's so rare. I don't really know how to close this out except to say please pray for the educators in this world, they have a lot on their shoulders and are unfortunately very undervalued by so many. 

I declare...shenanigans

So if you don't know, I love to read...all the time. Recently, my book list has consisted of various things from Christian authors and I've loved all of them, they have all taught me so much and challenged me in the best of ways. But last night I picked up a new book, which was recommended by someone I really look up to so I thought I'd give it a shot. So I read the book I Declare by Joel Osteen. About 5 pages into it, I knew something was off with what this guy was saying...I finished it for the sake of being able to talk about it and why I think it's flawed.
Basically, this book is a month's worth (31) declarations to speak of your life to make it better. Um, ok. The thing is it's all "health and wealth preaching" which tells you that if you just speak favor over everything in your life, it'll all be glitter and rainbows. You'll get that promotion, get well, people will go out of their way to be nice to you. I don't know what Bible Mr. Osteen is reading, but mine doesn't say that...in fact, based on what I've read, this type of teaching is one of the most dangerous things that people can encounter. Why do I say that? Because even Jesus said it wouldn't be easy to follow Him...Matthew 8:20 says,

"Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Jesus was telling a would be follower, "Hey man, I'm homeless, follow me and you will be too...is it worth it to you?" 

Have you read 2 Timothy 3:12 lately? It says,

 "In fact, everyone who wants to live a Godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted."

Wait, persecuted? That can't be right, can it? I mean, according to Joel Osteen, all I have to do is speak favor and people will want to be awesome to me. I Declare says that, "You need to prepare for an exceeding, abundant, above-and-beyond life; a life where people go out of their way for no reason to be good to you; a life where you get promoted even though you weren't the most qualified; a life where you find yourself in the right place at the right time." Hold up, that doesn't sound anything like what we find in 1 John 3:13 which says,

  "Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you."

So what happens when things aren't good? What happens when you're speaking favor over your life but you aren't suddenly rich  or don't have people tripping over themselves to be good to you? Well, maybe you aren't doing something right...because Joel Osteen clearly says that everything will be awesome all the time if you simply "speak to you mountains" and they will fall. He even says, "You may be praying about things you should be speaking to. You don't need to pray about that fear anymore," and "If you have health problems, instead of begging God to heal you, you need to declare to that sickness, "Sickness, you have no right in my body. I'm a child of the Most High God..." 

Maybe I'm missing them, but I'm not seeing any verses about declaring things better...there are, however, numerous verses about praying. Take Philippians 4:6 for example:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God."

So when people think that everything will be good, but it's hard...or when they've been told they can just tell their problems to go away and they will, but they don't...how does that leave people feeling? What about when a famous pastor has told them that all of these things will come to pass because of the fact that they are favored by God? Think that leaves them really wanting to know God and trust Him with everything? Or will it leave them blaming God for things that don't go as planned in life? I personally think it leads to nothing good and could create some serious trust issues between us and God who we should be trusting with every part of our being.

I don't mean to entirely bash Joel Osteen and his teaching here because I do think that there is a great amount of good that comes from a positive attitude in life...I think all of this is just poorly, and somewhat incorrectly presented. I believe that people need to be presented with the truth that truly living for God isn't easy, it's worth it though. I also believe that something not taken into account in this book is the fact that this positive attitude is a product of joy...joy that comes only from the presence of God in our lives, not telling ourselves to be happy all the time.

So why am I ranting about this? It's unrealistic. It tells people basically that life is always easy and favored when you live for God...but it's not. Life still gets hard, people die, jobs are lost, we get sick...when these things happen, we can turn them over to God or try to deal with them on our own. I think that "declaring" things better is just another feeble human attempt to play God...and when that doesn't work, we get frustrated and think that God isn't showing us the favor we deserve and that's when people turn their backs on God. And that's why "health and wealth" preaching like this is dangerous. 

Life with God is awesome, but it's not always easy and we can't just speak ease into existence and I pray that you and I always remember that.

So...blogging...

Hey, hey! So, this is kinda weird...we'll see where it goes though. Basically lots of awesome, exciting, confusing, cool, crazy things have been happening in my life and I really want to share them. I don't wanna be  "that girl" that writes novels on facebook though so the solution is this! If you're reading it, you want to hear what I have to say so that's cool and I'm glad you're here :)

So you probably don't know my story, and that's ok, I'm not convinced you need to know the whole thing. What you should know though is that things have changed so very much for me. My heart has changed thanks to the love of the one and only God who reached down and pulled me up from darkness and being lost to quite literally save my life. He didn't do this for nothing and I'm learning so much about why He did and what He wants me to do in response to this knowledge. The Rascal Flatts song, Changed, has been stuck in my head for a while...I think it pretty well sums up my life...

"I got off track, I made mistakes

Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost

Lines get crossed

And the pain won’t go away

I hit my knees, now here I stand

There I was, now here I am

Here I am

Changed"

Currently on my mind is the whole idea of letting God work through me. Earlier this year, I went on my first mission trip...best thing I've ever done in my whole entire life. A little after that trip I was talking to a missionary I know about another trip I was planning to take, a spring break mission trip to Oklahoma. I remember saying to her, "It's just a little trip, but I think it'll be pretty great." She replied with something that I've been thinking about ever since, "I mean, sure it's a smaller trip. But it's not about how big or small or how far away something is. All that matters is that you're giving your time to God and letting Him work through you." Oh, so that's how this deal works? Ok.
And of course, she was right. Oklahoma ended up being huge for me and taught me so much! This year as a whole has really taught me a ton about allowing God to work through me, to be willing to move when He tells me to move. For so long, my life has been so consumed by work. And I've always let that be my excuse for not going on mission trips, not serving in the church, not spending time with people just to show them love, etc. It has almost always been, "I can't get time off" or, "I really need money, I have to work." But so many things are just so much more important than work!
Example? I stopped working Sunday nights in order to sponsor youth activities at church. So, yeah, I miss out on the hours and tips from that night but I have the chance to really love this group of amazing junior high and high school kids! I can show them that they are so much more important to me than anything else I could be doing during that time or anything I could buy with the money I would make from working during that time. And yeah, taking time off for mission trips, camp, and various other things God has me doing makes things a bit tighter when the rent is due...but it doesn't even matter anymore because God's got it all handled, always.
My other excuse has traditionally been the fact that I don't have the answers...how am I going to talk to people about God if I don't know what to say to them? My friend Rachel said to me in response to this one, "Maybe it's not about having all the answers..." That's the cool thing, it doesn't matter that I don't know what to say, because God does know! He knows exactly what every person needs to hear at a given time or exactly who I'm supposed to be spending my time with in order to share His light with them.
I guess that's what it's all about, right? Being the hands and feet of God to show His love to the world. But we can't do that if we aren't willing to let God lead the way. I shall continue to look for these opportunities and stop making excuses not to take them, hope you do the same :)