Fighting for my Life

Not that anyone really gives a shit, but I've been totally out of communication for about 2 months now and I thought I'd tell the world why.

You see, about 2 months ago my therapist and I came to the realization that I simply wasn't stable, which was completely true. I wasn't doing anything at all besides working; my depression had reached the point that I wouldn't get out of bed even to shower or eat. There was a constant thought in my brain that I shouldn't be alive anymore. I lost the ability to trust myself to keep myself safe from myself and my terrible thoughts. I was urged to go to the emergency room and see about getting checked into the psych ward. Seeing how wonky my brain is and how bad my suicidal ideation was, I was admitted.I spent about 2 weeks there, had some ECT (electric shock therapy) treatments, got some new meds, and was sent home.

The thing is that they never should have let me go home. I was home for one day and decided that it was time for me to be done on this earth. Long story short, my mom found me the next morning, passed out, and I was taken by ambulance back to the hospital. I woke up in the emergency room to my parents on either side of me, looking sadder than I've ever seen before. I spent another 2 weeks in the hospital. I got some more ECT treatments, had some more therapy, and was again sent on my way, being diagnosed with Major Depression, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I was discharged to a long term treatment facility that would hopefully help me learn coping skills and things so I could learn to be home alone again.  So I'm in southern California at a treatment center and have been for a month. My treatment team says I'll be here for AT LEAST 90 days, likely more. I can see why, because I'm still having trouble wanting to live. I'm scared to death of eventually going home because I don't trust myself to be alone with the terrible things that my brain comes up with. But I'm trying to learn what I need to in order to be able to trust myself again.

I'm trying so hard to fight my mother fucker of a brain. I'm trying so hard to do this for my family. I'm still not at a place where I see the point in getting better for myself, but I can fight for the people I love. I fight for those 2 little boys that deserve to have their aunt around to see them grow up. I fight for my mom who has always worked her ass off to give me the world. I fight for my dad who loves me so well and is always there when I need him. I fight for my big sister who would fight anyone and anything for me. I fight for my step-dad who came into my life and loves me like his own, no questions asked. I fight because it's not fair to put them through the pain of just seeing me deal with these illnesses and it would be even more unfair to put them through the pain of losing a daughter/ sister/ aunt. I fight for them and I try so hard to remember that on my really bad days.

So that's where I've been and why I've been so quiet.
Also, if anyone wants to be super cool, I love snail mail! Letters and care packages are my favorite! My address is:
Sovereign Health
Atten: Jacque Graham MH
1211 Puerta Del Sol Suite 200
San Clemente, CA 92673