There once was a day my world stopped;
my hope was gone, all hope was completely dropped.
July 9th, that was the night;
the night I decided to quit the fight.
I bought the biggest bottle I could find;
gave in to the demons in my mind.
I thought they would be better without me;
hopefully one day they would see.
I woke in that hospital bed;
parents right there, eyes so very red.
I couldn't explain why I wanted it to be the end;
how I saw no light around the bend.
They never asked and I never spoke;
I suppose their hearts were already broke.
What went through their minds that day;
what are the words they wanted to say?
It awkward you know;
explaining why I needed to go.
More awkward still is my persistent desire to end it all;
despite all the help, further and further I fall.
Day by day, I fight to keep my head above the water;
though I feel like I've already failed them as a daughter.
I've already given up, resigned myself to my eventual fate;
nothing will stop me, it's already too late.
I'm not saying I'm leaving you now;
I don't know when, but I know how.
It'll be in my own time, in my own way;
I become more burdensome day by day.
They tell me it not true, that it's not what I think;
it doesn't matter, my mind tells me things that keep me on the brink.
They feel so true, the thoughts when they speak;
never sunny, always dark, always bleak.
For now I'm here, I'm fighting the fight;
I press on through day and night.
I'm only here for them, I can't lie;
but one day, I'll have to say goodbye.
I don't really know why, but it feels as though that's how I must end;
but what will I leave behind, what message will I send?
I did all the things, but it won't be enough;
It's been too real, too lasting, too rough.
Please don't be scared, I'll be at peace in my mind;
finally free from the despair that I can't help but find.
When I'm gone will you see me as a coward;
one who gave up before life truly flowered?
I hope you'll understand that it wasn't the easy way;
it will the hardest decision to make that day.
But it will seem like all I can do, the only choice to make;
don't let it fool you, I don't want your heart to break.
In fact, freedom is what I hope you'll see;
You'll no longer be forced to worry about me.
For the moment, I'm here, I'm fighting for those that love me;
They'll miss me one day, but for now I'll just be.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Hold the hope for me
By now you probably know that I struggle with serious mental illness and have for several years now. In light of that, I've been wanting to write something for mental health awareness month, but I just haven't been able to find the words.
I was 15 the first time I remember wanting to be dead. At the time, I didn't want to hurt or kill myself, but I told God that I felt like it was my time to go. I guess I was wrong about that, because here I am. I'm still here after numerous suicide attempts (only 1 big one that required medical attention). I'm still here after 8 hospitalizations because the suicidal ideations got too strong. I'm still here, but I daily wish I wasn't. What I want you to understand is that there is no reason for this...my life is good. I have a job I enjoy and a supportive family who loves me more than I deserve; things are alright. The reason I think the way I do is simple, I am sick. My mind is ill and it seems after all this time that it can't be "fixed."
I used to hope for something to fix me. I hoped that the right medicine would turn off the thoughts. I diligently went to therapy each week. I spent 5 months in residential care. I let the doctors zap my brain 12 times in ECT. I sat through magnetic stimulation treatments each day for a month. Nothing has changed though; I've actually gotten significantly worse over time. Don't get me wrong, there have been glimpses of hope, they just didn't last and I don't know how to get that back.
The thing I hoped for the most for a long time was to get back the life I lead before everything went to hell. When it all hit the fan, I was about to graduate college and begin my dream job. I had to come home early from the way of life I loved and wanted to keep on living as a long as possible. Sometimes, people find out about my old life and ask why I'm not teaching anymore. The answer to that is simple; I'm scared.
The thing about living in places like I was living is that it's so much more difficult to access the resources I need just to stay alive. Finding a therapist is a joke, the doctor's office is almost primitive and I can't see making them understand what kind of medication I need and why, hospitals aren't near and I'm not even sure if they have psych wards, and the stigma is terrible. What would I do if all of my supports were suddenly gone and everything got really bad? How would I keep myself alive? I'm not sure I could and that's what's keeping me here for now...and maybe forever.
Another thing I miss about my life before is doing things. You see, I had a best friend who left when I got really bad. She didn't say I was too much to handle, but I suspect that's why she's gone. We used to do so many things together and just live a random and fun life. From pub trivia on Monday nights to Friday night wine and coloring night, we were always together and always enjoying the world around us. I miss all of that. I miss going to movies because doing so has been ruined by my social anxiety. I miss road trips to see musicals and trips across the country to go to Comic Con. I miss really living and enjoying life.
My life now consists of working and sleeping. Occasionally I'll spend time with my family, but usually I'm too tired for even that. It's not even exhaustion from working too much that does it to me; it lethargy. Exhaustion is something that you can sleep off and eventually stop felling, this is different. I can sleep all day and night and still wake up feeling like I never even slept. I am tired; all the time. I miss family dinners, baseball games, and bonding time with my nephews because I feel like I can't get out of bed no matter how hard I try. I hate this symptom of my illnesses because it keeps me from doing the things I have always loved as well as experiencing new things that life might have to offer. One piece of advice I can give you when it comes to dealing with this from your loved ones is this; don't give up.
Never stop believing that one day things will change. Keep texting. Keep calling. Keep inviting. REACH OUT! I can guarantee you that the hurting people in your life aren't going to tell you that they are struggling because they don't want to burden you. Don't let that detour you from loving on them.
Lastly, I want to ask you to stop telling people that they need to reach out because you're "always there" for them. While it may be true, we cannot understand why it would be. We see ourselves as the worst people you could ever imagine; worthy only of death Remind us of what's true to you. Remind us that you love us despite our illnesses. Remind us that our struggles don't make us less than. Remind us that we're not too far gone. Tell us about hope. Hold onto that hope that we have let slip from our hands; keep it safe for us. Trust me, when you reach in rather than telling someone to reach out, you can truly change a life. If you learn anything from mental health awareness month, let it be that.
If you've sat there and read all of that, I hope you know how truly grateful I am for your time. Thank you for letting me express myself, even when I didn't know what to say. Thank you for supporting me on my journey. Thank you for holding out hope; since I lost it long ago.
I was 15 the first time I remember wanting to be dead. At the time, I didn't want to hurt or kill myself, but I told God that I felt like it was my time to go. I guess I was wrong about that, because here I am. I'm still here after numerous suicide attempts (only 1 big one that required medical attention). I'm still here after 8 hospitalizations because the suicidal ideations got too strong. I'm still here, but I daily wish I wasn't. What I want you to understand is that there is no reason for this...my life is good. I have a job I enjoy and a supportive family who loves me more than I deserve; things are alright. The reason I think the way I do is simple, I am sick. My mind is ill and it seems after all this time that it can't be "fixed."
I used to hope for something to fix me. I hoped that the right medicine would turn off the thoughts. I diligently went to therapy each week. I spent 5 months in residential care. I let the doctors zap my brain 12 times in ECT. I sat through magnetic stimulation treatments each day for a month. Nothing has changed though; I've actually gotten significantly worse over time. Don't get me wrong, there have been glimpses of hope, they just didn't last and I don't know how to get that back.
The thing I hoped for the most for a long time was to get back the life I lead before everything went to hell. When it all hit the fan, I was about to graduate college and begin my dream job. I had to come home early from the way of life I loved and wanted to keep on living as a long as possible. Sometimes, people find out about my old life and ask why I'm not teaching anymore. The answer to that is simple; I'm scared.
The thing about living in places like I was living is that it's so much more difficult to access the resources I need just to stay alive. Finding a therapist is a joke, the doctor's office is almost primitive and I can't see making them understand what kind of medication I need and why, hospitals aren't near and I'm not even sure if they have psych wards, and the stigma is terrible. What would I do if all of my supports were suddenly gone and everything got really bad? How would I keep myself alive? I'm not sure I could and that's what's keeping me here for now...and maybe forever.
Another thing I miss about my life before is doing things. You see, I had a best friend who left when I got really bad. She didn't say I was too much to handle, but I suspect that's why she's gone. We used to do so many things together and just live a random and fun life. From pub trivia on Monday nights to Friday night wine and coloring night, we were always together and always enjoying the world around us. I miss all of that. I miss going to movies because doing so has been ruined by my social anxiety. I miss road trips to see musicals and trips across the country to go to Comic Con. I miss really living and enjoying life.
My life now consists of working and sleeping. Occasionally I'll spend time with my family, but usually I'm too tired for even that. It's not even exhaustion from working too much that does it to me; it lethargy. Exhaustion is something that you can sleep off and eventually stop felling, this is different. I can sleep all day and night and still wake up feeling like I never even slept. I am tired; all the time. I miss family dinners, baseball games, and bonding time with my nephews because I feel like I can't get out of bed no matter how hard I try. I hate this symptom of my illnesses because it keeps me from doing the things I have always loved as well as experiencing new things that life might have to offer. One piece of advice I can give you when it comes to dealing with this from your loved ones is this; don't give up.
Never stop believing that one day things will change. Keep texting. Keep calling. Keep inviting. REACH OUT! I can guarantee you that the hurting people in your life aren't going to tell you that they are struggling because they don't want to burden you. Don't let that detour you from loving on them.
Lastly, I want to ask you to stop telling people that they need to reach out because you're "always there" for them. While it may be true, we cannot understand why it would be. We see ourselves as the worst people you could ever imagine; worthy only of death Remind us of what's true to you. Remind us that you love us despite our illnesses. Remind us that our struggles don't make us less than. Remind us that we're not too far gone. Tell us about hope. Hold onto that hope that we have let slip from our hands; keep it safe for us. Trust me, when you reach in rather than telling someone to reach out, you can truly change a life. If you learn anything from mental health awareness month, let it be that.
If you've sat there and read all of that, I hope you know how truly grateful I am for your time. Thank you for letting me express myself, even when I didn't know what to say. Thank you for supporting me on my journey. Thank you for holding out hope; since I lost it long ago.
Monday, January 21, 2019
Be here, now.
They call it mindfulness; the art of learning to truly be present and appreciate where you are in the hear and now. It has been a big struggle of mine for so so long. This, I think, is probably not helped by my anxiety issues, but alas.
I have almost always been one to worry about things and blow things out of proportion before they even happen. This has been especially prevalent when comes to my mental health and the idea of getting "better." I do this thing where I don't believe that I can truly get better; but what's more, sometimes I doubt my even wanting to get better. Sounds crazy, right? But the thing is that I'm not sure what to do with feeling better anymore. I've felt so shitty and been fighting so hard just to keep from killing myself for so long, that it's like that's all I've ever known. Of course, I've known times that it wasn't the case that things, were so rough for me, but they're sometimes hard to remember. Sometimes it's hard to even remember how to function as a normal human being again. How does one maintain good hygiene, a clean home, normal eating habits, work life, social life, etc? It all just seems like so much that it still overwhelms me at times.
The thing is though, that I'm actually starting to feel better. I'm starting to feel what I think of as "normal," like me again. It's honestly a strange feeling. I'm slowly beginning to complete basic life tasks again. I'm smiling from a genuine place inside of me; laughing for real, not just to keep up the facade. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. The thoughts of leaving this world still cross my mind on a daily basis, but they are fleeting; nothing I'm seriously considering. The cool thing though, is that I'm thinking about the future again. I can see myself continuing on, aging past where I am now, doing things I've always wanted to do, and finding a career that I love. That hasn't happened in so long. What I'm having to learn though, is to accept all of this for what it is; to be truly present and mindful.
You see, for too long, I've ruined moments like this. Self sabotage has long been an issue of mine. I worry. I feel like this can't be real, like it's just a cruel joke. Good days will never last and I can't truly be better ever again. I focus on what I'll do when I spiral downwards again rather than being grateful for the good things that are happening in my life. This worry actually keeps me in my funk and tends to land me at the bottom of the rabbit hole that is the negative parts of my mind. I make myself worse! But it's different this time.
In talking with my psychiatrist recently, I reported that I had been feeling better, but I had no idea why. "I don't know why either, but I don't care; I'll take it," she replied.And I must say that I agree with her. I'm savoring this feeling. I'm doing things I love again rather than lying in my bed for days on end. I'm taking playing and being silly with my nephews and giving them all the time I can. I'm happy. I'm living in the present; I'm embracing it. I'm letting myself think about being more than my illnesses; letting myself dream again. And let me tell you, it feels amazing.
So long story short; be here, now. Don't live in the future, that allows for time to be over taken be anxiety. Don't live in the past, it leaves you longing for times that may never repeat themselves or hung up on all of the hard times that you've walked through. Be here, now. Laugh, smile, play; let yourself truly live and enjoy the life you're lucky to have. I know that's easier said than done and I kind of think that it's less about doing work to get there as it is just falling into these feelings. For me, it's about not letting my anxiety ruin the present by keeping me in an uncertain future, by worrying about when I'll get bad again. It's not an 'if' for me, it's a 'when' because of my illnesses and I've come to accept that. I'm learning, though, that I can face that when it comes rather than letting it ruin more than it already will. My illnesses don't have to control me all the times; sometimes I can stare them down and simply say, "not today, brain, not today." I hope you can learn to do the same.
Be here, now.
I have almost always been one to worry about things and blow things out of proportion before they even happen. This has been especially prevalent when comes to my mental health and the idea of getting "better." I do this thing where I don't believe that I can truly get better; but what's more, sometimes I doubt my even wanting to get better. Sounds crazy, right? But the thing is that I'm not sure what to do with feeling better anymore. I've felt so shitty and been fighting so hard just to keep from killing myself for so long, that it's like that's all I've ever known. Of course, I've known times that it wasn't the case that things, were so rough for me, but they're sometimes hard to remember. Sometimes it's hard to even remember how to function as a normal human being again. How does one maintain good hygiene, a clean home, normal eating habits, work life, social life, etc? It all just seems like so much that it still overwhelms me at times.
The thing is though, that I'm actually starting to feel better. I'm starting to feel what I think of as "normal," like me again. It's honestly a strange feeling. I'm slowly beginning to complete basic life tasks again. I'm smiling from a genuine place inside of me; laughing for real, not just to keep up the facade. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. The thoughts of leaving this world still cross my mind on a daily basis, but they are fleeting; nothing I'm seriously considering. The cool thing though, is that I'm thinking about the future again. I can see myself continuing on, aging past where I am now, doing things I've always wanted to do, and finding a career that I love. That hasn't happened in so long. What I'm having to learn though, is to accept all of this for what it is; to be truly present and mindful.
You see, for too long, I've ruined moments like this. Self sabotage has long been an issue of mine. I worry. I feel like this can't be real, like it's just a cruel joke. Good days will never last and I can't truly be better ever again. I focus on what I'll do when I spiral downwards again rather than being grateful for the good things that are happening in my life. This worry actually keeps me in my funk and tends to land me at the bottom of the rabbit hole that is the negative parts of my mind. I make myself worse! But it's different this time.
In talking with my psychiatrist recently, I reported that I had been feeling better, but I had no idea why. "I don't know why either, but I don't care; I'll take it," she replied.And I must say that I agree with her. I'm savoring this feeling. I'm doing things I love again rather than lying in my bed for days on end. I'm taking playing and being silly with my nephews and giving them all the time I can. I'm happy. I'm living in the present; I'm embracing it. I'm letting myself think about being more than my illnesses; letting myself dream again. And let me tell you, it feels amazing.
So long story short; be here, now. Don't live in the future, that allows for time to be over taken be anxiety. Don't live in the past, it leaves you longing for times that may never repeat themselves or hung up on all of the hard times that you've walked through. Be here, now. Laugh, smile, play; let yourself truly live and enjoy the life you're lucky to have. I know that's easier said than done and I kind of think that it's less about doing work to get there as it is just falling into these feelings. For me, it's about not letting my anxiety ruin the present by keeping me in an uncertain future, by worrying about when I'll get bad again. It's not an 'if' for me, it's a 'when' because of my illnesses and I've come to accept that. I'm learning, though, that I can face that when it comes rather than letting it ruin more than it already will. My illnesses don't have to control me all the times; sometimes I can stare them down and simply say, "not today, brain, not today." I hope you can learn to do the same.
Be here, now.
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