Lessons Learned

"And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned." 

(Carrie Underwood- Lessons Learned)

I may have had a bit of a break down last week...ok, maybe it was more than a bit of one. It was a full blown melt down. 

I decided I was finished with people.

I was over trying to be part of a community that I didn't feel wanted me.

I was through trying to show love to people who didn't love me back.

I was done caring for people who didn't seem to care about me.

It hurt. 

And I was tired of being hurt.

I was tired of being let down over and over again.

So I decided to walk away from everyone who I felt didn't care. After all, they didn't care about me anyway, right?

I spent the past week doing everything I could to not be around people. 

And I was successful. And people didn't chase after me.

And I was happy.

It didn't take long though for me to realize how very selfish that was. I'm called to love. I'm called to love when I don't want to. I'm called to love those who may not always love me or make me feel loved. I'm called to love when it isn't easy.

And I cannot do that in solitude. 

It took honest conversation and soul searching to realize that my expectations for people are entirely too high. I want them to show me love the way that I show people love and the way I think they ought to. But I never tell them that so who am I to say they don't care? I can't.

I realized that the problem lies with me and that walking away from people all together could never fix me and my heart.

And maybe all of this was God sending me a wake up call. Maybe he was telling me that I wasn't loving people because I REALLY loved them....but because I wanted to feel loved in return. As much as I hate to admit it, that's probably the case. And I needed to learn that. It needed fixed.

Needless to say, this wasn't an easy lesson to learn. It was painful. It was confusing. And, quite frankly, it sucked. But it needed to happen and maybe if it hadn't hurt, I wouldn't have listened.

Looking back on my life so far, I can see other times like this in my past. Painful moments that have become some of the most beautiful and cherished memories because they mark a turning point. They are lessons that I took to heart and let change me for the better.

They are times that God woke me up to something I wasn't seeing.

And I am forever grateful for them. 

Despite the tears.

Despite the frustration.

Despite the anger.

Despite the confusion.

God is still teaching me. And sometimes I don't like those lessons in the moment, but I'm thankful God loves me so much that He is willing to teach me. 

He teaches me when I'm reluctant to learn. 

He teaches me when I'm hostile to the lesson.

He patiently teaches me even when I think I have it all figured out.

Keep learning, dear friends. Sit at the feet of the Father and soak up all He wants to teach you.