Pull the trigger

I spent 6 months away from home (roughly 1 month in the hospital and 5 months in a treatment center). I learned so much while I was away and I changed a great deal. I went from constantly wanting nothing more than to die to that popping up only occasionally to it popping up almost never. Don't get me wrong, the thoughts still enter my head from time to time. In fact, I just had a bit of a rough patch this weekend. You see, the thing that I knew, but didn't realize would have such a profound effect, was that I was basically in a bubble while I was in treatment. I had people to remind me to take my medicine every morning. If I was having a really rough time and needed to talk, I had access to a therapist at the push of a button or by simply walking down the hall if it was the right time of day. Everything was new and different there. I was far from home and my past and the memories of the darkest times of my life. Upon returning home though, everything came rushing back in like the tide. I was right back in the place where I tried to kill myself, alone again. I am surrounded by things like the store where I bought the pills I swallowed that night and I'm still not sure how to handle it. It doesn't seem rational to other people, but I have trouble even driving by the place. Over the weekend, I had to sit outside of said store while my sister ran in, unsure of why I refused to get out of the car. I started to have a panic attack and didn't regain normal breathing until we'd made it back home. Can I tell you how much I hate this? It seems so silly that something like a store can almost completely shut me down, can make me feel like I'm a failure because I'm having a panic attack and flashes of all the reasons I shouldn't be alive again. I lay in my apartment each night and wonder about that morning, wonder what it was like when the paramedics broke down my door and found me there. I flash back to that ultimate decision and the actions that followed. I often get very upset by this, so it's good that it only happens at night and I can sleep it off.

In the therapy world, things that set off these flashbacks, thoughts, and feelings are called triggers, and boy have I been inundated with triggers since I came back. It's like everything suddenly reminds me of all of the darkness I lived in for so long. Sometimes, it's a stretch, but my mind makes the connections to bring me crashing back into the past. I'm working on dealing with my triggers and learning how to live with them. The reality of the situation, I know, is that these things aren't simply going to go away. Even if I change my whole life, there will be things that pop up that trigger me. That's forever for me. What I'm focusing on is not letting that control me. For now, it means not shopping at a certain place, spending the majority of each evening at my mom's, and not having anything I could hurt myself with in my apartment. Sure this is mildly annoying at times, like when I need a kitchen knife because I'm cooking, but the annoyance is worth it until I feel more secure in my ability to face my triggers without giving in to them. Right now, all I've got is today. That's what I have to focus on, making it successfully to the end of the day. And, boy, does it feel like an accomplishment making it through each day! I still have lots of help from my family and my amazing therapist/life coach or whatever you want to call her, and I know that I will need that for quite some time, and that's something I'm learning to be ok with. No one can do this life thing alone, so even though it's tough for me to lean on others, I'm doing it.

I am surrounded by triggers and tough stuff here, but I'm still making life happen. For me, it's all about practicing mindfulness and staying in whatever moment I'm in. Letting myself drift into the past is dangerous territory and the future is so big that it scares me. But here and now, I am in control and I am safe and I can handle things. Remembering that keeps me moving forward and still looking up, even when I take a few steps back. I'm doing this thing. I'm hanging in there. I know I'm not alone. I'm not giving up ever again.