I'm lying to you.

Ever since I've been back in the world of the internet machine, I've been sharing things with all of you.

I shared pictures of my artwork.

I showed you the quotes that I posted at my house to try to keep some positive vibes around.

I posted pictures from family weekend.

I shared posts from To Write Love on Her Arms.

I told you that you're all making me feel very loved.

The only thing is...I'm lying to you, or at least I feel like I'm lying to you.

I'm doing that thing that we all do on social media, I'm sharing only the good stuff. I'm painting the picture that I want you to see.

In that picture I'm happy and better and everything is fine.

In that picture I never think about the fact that I think the world would be a better place without me. In that picture I don't feel alone. 

In that picture I don't feel like I'm a burden to everyone.

In that picture it's not dark as night.

In that picture smiling is not a chore.

In that picture I'm not anxious as all get out in normal situations.

In that picture it doesn't take 20 pills a day just to keep me functioning.

But that picture isn't the real one. That picture is the goal, but it's not my life right now. There are very few happy little trees in my world right now. My world right now is pretty dark. It's not as dark as it was, thankfully, but it's still pretty dark. I still fell most days like I am a burden to everyone, especially my family. It doesn't matter what anyone tells me or shows me, I feel like I'm such a burden. Much of the time I still feel as though the world would be a better place without me in it. It's been quite some time since I've felt like actually taking myself out of the world; I'm incredibly thankful for that. I'm learning lots of things to help with those thoughts, as well. I'm working to reframe my irrational thoughts into more rational ones. I'm working on using coping skills to pull myself out of the terrible thoughts so that I don't get stuck in them and just sit around and ruminate. That doesn't always work, but it's something. One thing that's been really bothering me as of late is my anxiety. It has gotten to where most of the groups that I'm supposed to go to freak me the fuck out. Luckily, I'm able to employ my coping skills such as coloring or playing with my fidget spinner when I'm having a tough time. I'm working and I'm learning and that's what matters right now. 

So I do feel like I'm lying to you by only sharing all of the good things, but honestly speaking, who really wants to know about the bad?