What about that?

So Kyle Idleman has this book called Not a Fan, it's pretty fantastic and if you've yet to read it...do so, right now. I read this book with my small group this semester and loved it so much. There is a ton of fantastic stuff in it that I could really relate to. Like, I can look back on my life and really see this transition from fan to follower really happen and what it's meant in my life. Not terribly long ago, we discussed the very last chapter of this book which is called "Whatever. What about that?" and it was particularly intriguing to me.
Basically, the whole premise of this chapter is trying to get you to think about what it is that's holding you back from following or maybe what you wouldn't be willing to give up to follow Jesus. So I was stewing on this question for quite a while...and I was once again taken back to thoughts of Nicaragua and how we got to a certain point in the trip, and all I could think was, "I want my mom." I mean, I'm so sued to talking to her every day that I didn't know what to do without being able to for 10 days...and then it hit me: my family.  If it was necessary for me to give up my family to follow God....would I? Really though, I came back from that trip saying that I could never go to a place for a long amount of time where I didn't have some kind of phone or internet access to contact my family. But what if that's where God wanted and needed me? Of course, I'd like to say I'd go but that's a hard thing to say when I'm not actually in that situation.
I mean, in some countries people are accepting God knowing that they will be literally shunned by their families for doing so...no place to live, no one to return to. But they do it because they know that the kingdom of God is worth it. Yet, here I am, afraid of maybe ending up somewhere that I'm simply cut off from my family for a certain period of time. How does that mind-set change? Well, I know that I will never change it on my own, it's gonna take God to get me to that place where I'd really be ready to give up everything and everyone to really follow Jesus. Thank the Lord we are always learning and growing in this life!
So...yeah, short one tonight...but that's what I've been thinking about the most lately.

How do they know?

So as I'm sitting here pondering the fact that everyone seems to be packing up and heading away for the summer, I'm getting somewhat worried about what this summer may hold. I mean, soon I will be coming home to an empty apartment every day, my family group from this semester ended last week, people are moving away, and it seems like everything I've just gotten used to is changing. For my OCD self, change is hard. It takes so long to get adjusted and comfortable in new settings...like, I have been part of CCH for a full year now and as much as I would like to claim otherwise, I'm still not totally comfortable. I still feel like I'm not completely part of the "family" and that the majority of the people there don't care if I'm there or not. Blah, it's a pretty rotten feeling, but a real one. 

That being said, it brings me to my main point...do people know that you really care for them? Do you show your love to people? And no, I don't mean mushy romantic love, I mean brotherly love...how do the people in your life know that you're thinking about them? I mean, I'm sure there are ways I could be ways better at this but if I haven't seen someone in a while, I contact them and check on them and let them know they're missed. Sometimes, I randomly go through my phone and just send out good morning texts to let people know they are on my mind and that I genuinely want them to have a great day. But no one does these things for me. I'm only whining a little bit here because I'm really left wondering that if I feel this forgotten, how do people with an even more fragile psyche than mine feel? Do I even know who these people are in my life? Am I making an intentional effort to reach out to them and make them feel loved? 

I'm an introvert in what is sometimes the worst of ways. I enjoy time alone, but I still need to feel important and loved! As much as that's true for me, I know it's important for me to make an effort to make others know how much they mean to me all the time and to encourage them in any way I can. Sometimes, this takes enormous efforts for me because I just want to sit on my couch and read or watch Doctor Who but I've found it extremely rewarding to make myself give people that time. Being around people and talking to/ connecting with them helps keep me from going crazy. But sometimes it feels so one-sided and that's probably where my aggravation is stemming from...sometimes that first step toward someone else is ignored, they just don't care that I'm trying to be part of their life. I need someone to take that step toward me so I know they are approachable and I don't feel like a bother to them.

Maybe what I'm getting at here is that I wish people would stop assuming that everyone is ok...make the effort to check on people. INTENTIONALLY love people. Someone might be needing to talk but they are quiet because they don't want to be a burden to anyone, they need people to tell them how much they matter and really mean it. We need more people who will just be there all the time and less who pop in and out of our lives pretending to care.

Happy Mother's Day!

Oh mother's day, how I love mother's day because I have the best mom in the whole entire world! I love her 1 million red M&Ms!

 

She is pretty much amazing and I am so very thankful for her. I have watched this woman bend over backwards to take care of me and my big sister. For many years, that meant working 2-3 jobs at a time and sacrificing so much to make sure we had everything we needed and wanted. She had always sacrificed herself for our good. 

Now I get the absolute pleasure of working with my mom and I love it so much! I get to see her every day :) We talk about everything all the time and she's always there to listen no matter what. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Really, my mom is the coolest and words can't do her justice. What an amazing blessing she is!

I love her to the moon and back!

We have ways of making you talk...

We all know this scene from the movie, right? The one where the bad guy's been caught but he's not about to admit a thing or give up any secrets to anyone so they put him under that super intense light and whoever is interrogating him gets right up in his face and says, "We have ways of making you talk..." While I've never been in this situation for really real, this is how much of my life has felt...like someone is right up in my face, grilling me, trying to get me to say something.
And let me tell you, that's not a fun situation to be in. Yeah, I'm quiet, I know this. I've been like that for as long as I can remember so I really can't tell you why. I mean, I'm sure it's frustrating to people when they can tell I'm thinking something and I never say it...but if people could only imagine how much more frustrating it is to be on the flip side of this scenario, man would their perspectives change! Those times that you have a profound (or maybe just funny) thing to say, and you have it all worked out in your mind what you'll say and how you'll say it but then you, for some unknown reason, can't bring yourself to speak up...know what I'm talking about? That's pretty much all the time for me, and it sucks. I'm really not sure why this happens.
I've always seen myself as more an observer and a thinker. And let me tell you, silence has a huge advantage when you want to learn things...interestingly enough, my silence has helped me learn quite a bit about speaking up from time to time.
Let's go back to Christmas break in Nicaragua. Each night, our group would sit around and talk about the day. People would discuss what we'd done, things we'd seen, what God was teaching us, etc and I would listen. I never said a single thing on any of the nights we were there. Then on our last day, a counselor came in to talk to us and kind of debrief with us. He wanted to know how our week was, what we'd learned, general thoughts, and whatnot. I had successfully managed to sit by silently for most of that time until he called me out and made me talk...rude. After that little fun time, one of our fearless leaders, Molly, told me she was glad to hear what I had to say for once. Then we had the whole discussion about me being quiet all the time and I thought that was the end of that.
Little did I know that the first time I saw her again, Molly would offer me a challenge of sorts (though she probably wouldn't call it that). How? Well, I went to tell her good-bye and she said to me simply, "See you later...we'll talk?" In my head I was thinking, "Talk about what? Why do you want to talk to me? Didn't I explain this whole quiet thing to you?" but what I said was, "Yeah, that'd be great." And so we started talking...and it's been pretty great. There's now one more person in that small circle of people that I let in, people that I trust. And now, I'm really working on expanding that circle and letting more people in because I can really see the value in it. I mean, I am beyond thankful to have someone who takes an hour out of their busy week just to sit and talk about life, it's such a blessing in my life. I want to be that person to someone else...I want to be the person they trust, the one they know they can talk to, the one they can ask questions. That's a goal of mine, to get to that place where I can not only let people be that for me but to let people know that I'll be that for them.
I realize though, that that's going to take some real effort on my part. It means making that choice to spend time with people even though I'd rather be alone sometimes. It means speaking up when something's on my mind. It means not being afraid to tell someone I need to talk. Right now, it's a matter of trying and learning. I'm trying to be better about not only talking but really letting people in and connecting. I'm trying to speak up. I'm learning what it's like to have those people you can talk to about everything. I'm learning that people do want to hear what I'm thinking from time to time. Most of all, I'm learning that when it comes down to it, God will always give me the words to say if I ask Him and that's all that matters.

The "What If" game

What's up friends? So round abouts a year ago, this kid was planning on moving to Arkansas. Everything was in place...I had just put a deposit in the place I was going to live, I'd met a few new people, I was making plans to find a job, I'd done the whole campus tour thing, etc. and then I went to my advising meeting...and I left feeling very not right. In fact, before I was even back in Missouri I called my friend and said, "I can't do this." After a few super stressful days of trying to figure out what to do I decided that I really couldn't do it, telling everyone that it was because of money. Looking back though, it's not that it was a money issue, I mean yeah, it would have meant loans for me but everyone and their mom takes out student loans so I could have done that if it came down to it...there was something bigger and far more important at work in my heart.
Looking back now, it's clear that I am exactly where I am supposed to be...but for a while, it was so easy to play the "what if" game...

What if I'd gotten in to C of O like I originally planned? 

What if I'd made different choices along the way? 

What if I've made the wrong choice yet again? 

What if it was just my fear keeping me here? 

What if I'm missing out on something better God has for me in Fayetteville?

What if I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing in life?

And I probably played that game for most of the summer as I went through the great fun of telling everyone that I wasn't leaving after all. But then, around the beginning of the fall '12 semester, I was asked if I thought I made the right choice...and I cringed because I still didn't know if it was right or wrong or how I'd ever know. So my response something along the lines of, "Well, I don't think I'll ever know for sure but I'm not dwelling on that. I'm going to make the absolute best of the choice I did make because that's what I've got to work with." So that's what I've focused on doing this year, making the absolute best of the decision I made rather than sitting around wondering about what I walked away from.

And what an amazing year it has been! First thing I did, on the advice of a dear friend, was find a place to get involved. That place was Christian Campus House and so many of the reasons that this year has been amazing stem from there...I went on my first ever mission (to Nicaragua!), was part of a small group for the first time, went on another mission trip, went to spring retreat where I met people from other campus ministries, made some amazing new friends, and oh yeah, am the new CCH secretary for the '13-'14 school year. All of that in one year of making an actual effort to participate! I just can't believe what an amazing group I've been blessed to be a part of and I cannot wait to see what God's got in store for all of us.

Also, I started sponsoring youth activities at church...such great times! It is truly a blessing to be able to love on those kids and really pour into them and see them learn each and every week. It is my continued prayer to always encourage them and build them up so they may always know they aren't walking alone through this life. 

There are more things, but I doubt you want to read a novel right now so I'll get to the point...Where I was going with this was to encourage each of you to live your life right now, don't dwell on the past, the future, or the "what if" because then you miss so much of what's around you. 

Love God. Love people. Love life. Be present. 

God will work the rest out, all you have to do is trust Him and run after Him with all you've got.

Teacher appreciation day!

So, it's teacher appreciation day...what an important day! I mean, so many people really don't give teachers the respect they deserve. But let me tell you, I am deeply thankful for all of the amazing teachers that have blessed my life!
Any time people mention great/ influential teachers I immediately have 2 wonderful ladies come to mind...so I'm going to tell you about them and why they rock. I dunno if they'll ever see this, but I think everyone deserves to be told how great they are and how much they are appreciated!
So first of all, there's Rachel:

 

When I walked into my first day of freshman Spanish class I had no way of knowing how big a part of my life this amazing woman would become. Not only did she help me discover and really cultivate my love of Spanish, she taught me so much about life. From every morning that I just sat in her classroom because I loathed the crowded commons area to all the times I just needed someone to talk to (even in the middle of summer) because I felt so alone, she was always there. The day I found out that I'd been wait listed for the only college I wanted to go to, I went straight to her classroom, letter in hand, with tear filled eyes. That's when she told me, "God's got something different planned for you." At the time, I wrote it off as one of those things that people just say to you...but I look back now and know that it was indeed the truth.Still to this day, she'll help me out with Spanish stuff or just chat with me from time to time. It's always so nice to talk to someone who has a genuine interest in your life and really wants the best for you in whatever you do. Reading over this, I realized that I really can't make you understand how thankful I am for Rachel in my life...but maybe you've been around long enough to know. She has been my friend, mentor, teacher, counselor, personal trainer, and reality check for many years and I can never thank her enough for everything.

The other educator who I can never stop thanking is Tricia: 

This lady right here is amazing! She's really been a bigger part of my life after being my teacher than she ever was as my teacher...so that's kinda weird to most people, but I'm so thankful for her! First teacher I ever had in high school as she was my first block teacher...I was totally intimidated by her to tell the truth. How ridiculous of me! The year I graduated she moved to Arkansas so I pretty much figured I'd never see her again. But basically, when I came to a breaking point in my life where I was really lost, she was the first person I wanted to talk to...I had no idea why but I just really felt like I needed to get back into contact with her. I spent a whole day debating about if I should get in touch with her or not. When I did so via facebook message, I immediately thought I'd done something dumb, figuring she'd think I was crazy or something. Turns out later that night I had missed calls, texts, and fb messages from her asking what was going on and making sure I was ok. For the last year and a half or so, Tricia has been my rock. I can always talk to her about anything and everything, nothing is ever off limits. She knows my story and I know hers. There's something about a person who tells you, "You are never a bother to me, I'm always here for you. Remember that." that just makes you feel loved. It makes you feel important when someone who you know is busy takes time out for you and really does care. As is with Rach, I'm pretty sure words will never really express my continuing thanks.

So yeah, needless to say that I think teachers are fantastic! Man, what an impact they make on so many kids! How many lives do they change without knowing it? How many lives have they unknowingly saved? So here's my big thought today...think about a teacher who has impacted your life in big ways and call/ text/ email/ fb message them or whatever you have to do to get in touch with and tell them what they mean to you and thank them for all they do. Teaching isn't easy. It's long hours, terrible pay, rude parents, rude kids, nonsensical red tape...but look what a difference these people make! Truly world changers! God has blessed me with some amazing educators to help guide me through this crazy life, far more than I've mentioned here, and I can NEVER thank them enough! I'm lucky enough to have teachers who have become real friends and I know that's so rare. I don't really know how to close this out except to say please pray for the educators in this world, they have a lot on their shoulders and are unfortunately very undervalued by so many. 

I declare...shenanigans

So if you don't know, I love to read...all the time. Recently, my book list has consisted of various things from Christian authors and I've loved all of them, they have all taught me so much and challenged me in the best of ways. But last night I picked up a new book, which was recommended by someone I really look up to so I thought I'd give it a shot. So I read the book I Declare by Joel Osteen. About 5 pages into it, I knew something was off with what this guy was saying...I finished it for the sake of being able to talk about it and why I think it's flawed.
Basically, this book is a month's worth (31) declarations to speak of your life to make it better. Um, ok. The thing is it's all "health and wealth preaching" which tells you that if you just speak favor over everything in your life, it'll all be glitter and rainbows. You'll get that promotion, get well, people will go out of their way to be nice to you. I don't know what Bible Mr. Osteen is reading, but mine doesn't say that...in fact, based on what I've read, this type of teaching is one of the most dangerous things that people can encounter. Why do I say that? Because even Jesus said it wouldn't be easy to follow Him...Matthew 8:20 says,

"Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Jesus was telling a would be follower, "Hey man, I'm homeless, follow me and you will be too...is it worth it to you?" 

Have you read 2 Timothy 3:12 lately? It says,

 "In fact, everyone who wants to live a Godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted."

Wait, persecuted? That can't be right, can it? I mean, according to Joel Osteen, all I have to do is speak favor and people will want to be awesome to me. I Declare says that, "You need to prepare for an exceeding, abundant, above-and-beyond life; a life where people go out of their way for no reason to be good to you; a life where you get promoted even though you weren't the most qualified; a life where you find yourself in the right place at the right time." Hold up, that doesn't sound anything like what we find in 1 John 3:13 which says,

  "Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you."

So what happens when things aren't good? What happens when you're speaking favor over your life but you aren't suddenly rich  or don't have people tripping over themselves to be good to you? Well, maybe you aren't doing something right...because Joel Osteen clearly says that everything will be awesome all the time if you simply "speak to you mountains" and they will fall. He even says, "You may be praying about things you should be speaking to. You don't need to pray about that fear anymore," and "If you have health problems, instead of begging God to heal you, you need to declare to that sickness, "Sickness, you have no right in my body. I'm a child of the Most High God..." 

Maybe I'm missing them, but I'm not seeing any verses about declaring things better...there are, however, numerous verses about praying. Take Philippians 4:6 for example:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God."

So when people think that everything will be good, but it's hard...or when they've been told they can just tell their problems to go away and they will, but they don't...how does that leave people feeling? What about when a famous pastor has told them that all of these things will come to pass because of the fact that they are favored by God? Think that leaves them really wanting to know God and trust Him with everything? Or will it leave them blaming God for things that don't go as planned in life? I personally think it leads to nothing good and could create some serious trust issues between us and God who we should be trusting with every part of our being.

I don't mean to entirely bash Joel Osteen and his teaching here because I do think that there is a great amount of good that comes from a positive attitude in life...I think all of this is just poorly, and somewhat incorrectly presented. I believe that people need to be presented with the truth that truly living for God isn't easy, it's worth it though. I also believe that something not taken into account in this book is the fact that this positive attitude is a product of joy...joy that comes only from the presence of God in our lives, not telling ourselves to be happy all the time.

So why am I ranting about this? It's unrealistic. It tells people basically that life is always easy and favored when you live for God...but it's not. Life still gets hard, people die, jobs are lost, we get sick...when these things happen, we can turn them over to God or try to deal with them on our own. I think that "declaring" things better is just another feeble human attempt to play God...and when that doesn't work, we get frustrated and think that God isn't showing us the favor we deserve and that's when people turn their backs on God. And that's why "health and wealth" preaching like this is dangerous. 

Life with God is awesome, but it's not always easy and we can't just speak ease into existence and I pray that you and I always remember that.