My Final Goodbye

 I guess the title is pretty misleading in a way....this is not my final goodbye, but I wish it was. I wish this was my suicide note. My heart is heavy and I just want to be done. I am sad, I am lonely, I am empty, I am terrified. No one truly cares besides my family. But are they enough to keep me here for forever? Can I hang on when I feel rejected by the rest of the world? I'm not sure I can; in fact, I'm sure I can't. I'm sure one day I will indeed be writing my final goodbye. I will lose this fight with my mind. Will you weep when I am gone? I doubt it. I will be another sad story; merely another statistic. "Why didn't she reach out?" you'll say. I have tried, and received not love nor support in return, so it's not even worth my time anymore. No one reaches in just to ask how I am. I put on my happy face and do life. So I must be ok, right? I must be smiling, laughing, and joking because I am truly filled with joy. For who could be such a great actor? But I am. I've been wearing this mask my whole life, so by now I am a pro. But that won't save me. Nothing will. Not the medication. Not the years of therapy. Not having my brain zapped in desperation. Not God. I am irreparable. There is no hope; no light. My heart is heavy and my mind is dark. I just want to be done. I want to say my goodbyes and know that those I love will be ok without me. I want them to be at peace knowing that I am no longer hurting. I don't want them to have to visit me in the hospital and watch me struggle like I do. But it's not that easy. So the tears will fall, the thoughts will tear me apart, and I will continue to stand. Not because I can, not because I am strong, certainly not because I want to; but because I must. No cry for help can ever be cried loud enough. I am alone in the deepest, darkest of pits and will never truly see the light. How long can I keep this up; this agony, this torture? How do I keep myself from writing my final goodbye?