By now you probably know that I struggle with serious mental illness and have for several years now. In light of that, I've been wanting to write something for mental health awareness month, but I just haven't been able to find the words.
I was 15 the first time I remember wanting to be dead. At the time, I didn't want to hurt or kill myself, but I told God that I felt like it was my time to go. I guess I was wrong about that, because here I am. I'm still here after numerous suicide attempts (only 1 big one that required medical attention). I'm still here after 8 hospitalizations because the suicidal ideations got too strong. I'm still here, but I daily wish I wasn't. What I want you to understand is that there is no reason for this...my life is good. I have a job I enjoy and a supportive family who loves me more than I deserve; things are alright. The reason I think the way I do is simple, I am sick. My mind is ill and it seems after all this time that it can't be "fixed."
I used to hope for something to fix me. I hoped that the right medicine would turn off the thoughts. I diligently went to therapy each week. I spent 5 months in residential care. I let the doctors zap my brain 12 times in ECT. I sat through magnetic stimulation treatments each day for a month. Nothing has changed though; I've actually gotten significantly worse over time. Don't get me wrong, there have been glimpses of hope, they just didn't last and I don't know how to get that back.
The thing I hoped for the most for a long time was to get back the life I lead before everything went to hell. When it all hit the fan, I was about to graduate college and begin my dream job. I had to come home early from the way of life I loved and wanted to keep on living as a long as possible. Sometimes, people find out about my old life and ask why I'm not teaching anymore. The answer to that is simple; I'm scared.
The thing about living in places like I was living is that it's so much more difficult to access the resources I need just to stay alive. Finding a therapist is a joke, the doctor's office is almost primitive and I can't see making them understand what kind of medication I need and why, hospitals aren't near and I'm not even sure if they have psych wards, and the stigma is terrible. What would I do if all of my supports were suddenly gone and everything got really bad? How would I keep myself alive? I'm not sure I could and that's what's keeping me here for now...and maybe forever.
Another thing I miss about my life before is doing things. You see, I had a best friend who left when I got really bad. She didn't say I was too much to handle, but I suspect that's why she's gone. We used to do so many things together and just live a random and fun life. From pub trivia on Monday nights to Friday night wine and coloring night, we were always together and always enjoying the world around us. I miss all of that. I miss going to movies because doing so has been ruined by my social anxiety. I miss road trips to see musicals and trips across the country to go to Comic Con. I miss really living and enjoying life.
My life now consists of working and sleeping. Occasionally I'll spend time with my family, but usually I'm too tired for even that. It's not even exhaustion from working too much that does it to me; it lethargy. Exhaustion is something that you can sleep off and eventually stop felling, this is different. I can sleep all day and night and still wake up feeling like I never even slept. I am tired; all the time. I miss family dinners, baseball games, and bonding time with my nephews because I feel like I can't get out of bed no matter how hard I try. I hate this symptom of my illnesses because it keeps me from doing the things I have always loved as well as experiencing new things that life might have to offer. One piece of advice I can give you when it comes to dealing with this from your loved ones is this; don't give up.
Never stop believing that one day things will change. Keep texting. Keep calling. Keep inviting. REACH OUT! I can guarantee you that the hurting people in your life aren't going to tell you that they are struggling because they don't want to burden you. Don't let that detour you from loving on them.
Lastly, I want to ask you to stop telling people that they need to reach out because you're "always there" for them. While it may be true, we cannot understand why it would be. We see ourselves as the worst people you could ever imagine; worthy only of death Remind us of what's true to you. Remind us that you love us despite our illnesses. Remind us that our struggles don't make us less than. Remind us that we're not too far gone. Tell us about hope. Hold onto that hope that we have let slip from our hands; keep it safe for us. Trust me, when you reach in rather than telling someone to reach out, you can truly change a life. If you learn anything from mental health awareness month, let it be that.
If you've sat there and read all of that, I hope you know how truly grateful I am for your time. Thank you for letting me express myself, even when I didn't know what to say. Thank you for supporting me on my journey. Thank you for holding out hope; since I lost it long ago.
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